"Maybe he does not beat you, but ..."
When Zahir writer Kelly spoke about their experiences of emotional abuse and invited other women to write about it with the hashtag #MaybeHeDoesntHitYou ( "Maybe he does not hit, but ..."), she did not know what the avalanche of responses ensue. Subject touched some nerve. Too many women had no idea that they are living, experiencing emotional abuse, which during this time managed to take far from harmless form. They live for many years in fear, without telling anyone.
Yes, this is the two most important questions: why it is easier to write on the Internet, what to tell family or a close friend?
And the second question - why it's difficult to guess it?
Emotional abuse takes many forms, from personal comments and insults at home with the children, to public humiliation, jealousy, prohibition to do and say what you want. As a result, how to write one of the girls, "you have to hide a part of you the most from him, to make him feel comfortable."
Here are some real recognition:
So, maybe he does not hit, but ...
"... But as the long weeks when you feel like a complete jerk for having cut her hair" without permission "
"... But you have to ask his permission for everything and it refers to you as his property."
"... But he compares you with another woman, criticizing your body and constantly tells you what you're doing to him a little."
Iman A. "... But he says that you should be glad that he does not."
"... But it makes you believe that you are not fit for someone else once wanted to be with you."
"... But he'll call you 40 times if you do not answer his call."
"... But you have to hide a part of your own, to make him feel comfortable."
"... But he always tells you that you are without it - nothing."
Why we are content with the crumbs?
Why are all these women - why we believe that we are without a man no one?
Because so many of us think, "I am unhappy, living with that person, but do not think I can live without it. I for some reason can not find the strength to face the loneliness. I need someone, anyone, to soften the shock of collision with loneliness. And no matter what the price. "
The woman tends to improve, to do "as well", not noticing that turns into a performer of another's will
The problem is that the woman feels responsible for the relationship and doing its utmost to "repair" to "fix" without noticing that the attacks and verbal abuse gradually deprived of its confidence in its own values. It seeks to improve, to do "as well", not noticing that turns into a performer of another's will.
Many of us are waiting for other people so much and need other people so much that catered too small. We become addicted to disadvantaged people. We become dependent on people who do not particularly like, we do not even particularly like. Sometimes we need people so much that can satisfy almost anyone. Our need becomes so great that we are content with the crumbs. Our expectations are falling below the normal strap, below what we should be getting from the relationship. And then we find ourselves trapped in a dead end.
Emotional abuse is clear and recognizable pattern of development:
- Verbal assault / ridicule / criticism - a woman trying to "soften", to appease, to solve the matter peacefully, and its attempt to adapt to cajole, - phase of peace and prosperity, his remorse, promises that the more it will not fall apart.
They stay together, man, "working on them" and then all of a sudden everything is repeated. But each time becoming more nagging. It is necessary to understand one simple truth: you'll never be good enough.
He finds himself in something worse than you, below, and aims to level the score humiliation and total control
The truth is that emotional abuse is moving in a circle, just nagging soon followed by demands and threats.
The reason is that the their purpose is not to "make the relationship better," we naively think. Their goal - to power and control, and the one who seeks it, long for them for one simple reason: because he considers himself something worse than you, below, and aims to level the score humiliation and total control.
Emotional abuse is more difficult to identify, and he has another unpleasant aspect: if you are having it for a long time, you are very hard to get out of these painful relationship. Becoming a victim, you get attached to her - let's call a spade a spade - the executioner.
Here are signs that you are experiencing emotional abuse:
You're afraid of displeasing the partner, so as not to upset him?
Are you looking for an excuse his behavior, blame yourself?
You are forgetful, scared or unable to concentrate?
Have you lost interest or energy for what you used to do?
You have lost confidence in themselves and are afraid that you can not handle on their own?
Do not expect that the frog turns into a prince!
Ultimately, according to Melody Beattie in the book? "To save or flee" (Eksmo, 2015), we can discover the stunning truth that in life are very few situations that can be corrected, do not take care of themselves and not giving himself the , what do you need.
Do not abuse forgiveness, to justify the wrongs inflicted by you. Do not stay with those who humiliate you. "Have you heard about the woman that kissed a frog? She hoped that the frog turns into a prince. But the frog did not turn. But the woman turned into a frog! "