How to talk to the victims of violence?
Psychologists work not only with the victims of violence, but also with the perpetrators. Often both of them are held hostage closed circle system. For some people, being beaten in the family are the norm. This vicious circle in which appear and rapist and the victim, can and must break off.
This can be done on several levels - the individual in the family as a microsystem, in the immediate social environment, school, kindergarten, through the media and social media and, finally, on the macro-level - is gradually changing due to cultural attitudes and stereotypes.
Action # Yaneboyusskazat became virtually the first attempt to start talking about the fact that there is violence in society. Thousands of women survivors of violence, openly talked about this publicly, risking and fearful, they overcame themselves, they said that the problem exists. And it is necessary to pay attention, it is necessary to deal with.
Beats - does not mean he loves. This means violence. This means dislike. This means hatred
Code of Ethics of psychological counseling is based on five key principles: "do no harm" welfare of the client, the client's protection and respect for the client's autonomy, honesty and fairness. Ie psychologist or therapist respects the client's right to freedom of speech, is doing everything in its power to support his client, to help him overcome the difficulties.
But psychologists also have to be attentive to the fact that the state publicly. The therapist has the power over the consciousness of people who refer to it as an authoritative person and depend on his opinion. Each person who wrote the post about their experiences of violence, could be a potential customer for each of the therapists who responded to the post. Unfortunately, many therapists have responded to these confessions, forget about professional ethics. When the psychologist writes victims that can not read and so that such things do not write in public, he says: "I do not want to help you. You're doing wrong. Shut up. " This it violates several ethical principles in the first place does not give the customer be autonomous, to make a decision about what, where and when to speak. Psychologist refuses to support on the basis that the story told not to his liking, making public statements without thinking about the customer, but thinking about themselves.
If you want to help women who are subjected to violence, remember, your goal - to be the complete opposite of a rapist
Occupational therapists can be considered a reaction that expressed their sympathy and offered help. This is the only thing that needed people who had the courage to publicly told about the unpleasant and sometimes terrible experience that they had. They did this not only for ourselves, we are all part of this big system that slowly, but is changing in small increments moving towards tolerance and inclusiveness. It's all new words for us. But they gradually acquire meaning. As well as the idea that the effort - not to love. This means violence. This means dislike. This means hatred. Here's how offers to act, turning to psychologists, but not limited to, violence psychology researcher Lundy Bancroft 1. If you want to help women who are subjected to violence, remember, your goal - to be the complete opposite of a rapist.
Rapist presses her
You must be patient. Remember that a raped woman needs time to get over it and deal with everything that happened to her. It will not help her to follow your advice on how to behave with her rapist, get away from him, call the police or any other advice that you want to give it. You have to respect her opinion about her actions - that is what the abuser never does.
The abuser verbally humiliates her
You treat her as an equal. Avoid any options arrogance. This applies to all, including professional psychologists and therapists. If you are talking about violence from the perspective of a top-down, as if you're smarter or wiser, as it passes through something that could never happen to you, you are doing absolutely the same, which makes the rapist. Namely - you tell her that she was "under you." That you are above it. Remember that your actions speak louder than your words.
The tyrant thinks he is better than she knows what is best
You have to take it as an expert in her own life. Do not think that you know better than her what she needs. Ask her that, in her opinion, help and work. And do not push, suggest something, respect her knowledge about why it will not help one or another plan of action. Do not tell her what to do.
The tyrant dominates the conversation
You have to listen less and talk more. You may feel a strong desire to convince her that the man with whom she lives, "complete bastard," to analyze his motives. But if you speak more than she, your behavior will tell her that your mind is more important than her thoughts. That's what tells her rapist. If you want it to start to respect their feelings and opinions, you need to show her that you respect them.
The abuser believes he has a right to control her life
You must respect their right to self-determination. She has every right to make the decisions that you may disagree. Including continue the relationship with the abuser, or to return to it after a separation. You can not convince a woman that her life belongs to her, if you at the same time their behavior and speeches transliruete that it belongs to you. Be for it even when you do not like her choices.
The abuser believes he understands her children and their needs better than her
You must believe that it is competent and caring mother. Remember that there is no single right idea of what will be best for the children of women who have been abused. Even if she would leave the abuser, the problems of its children can not disappear, and sometimes rapists make children's lives after separation is worse than before. You can not help her make the best choice for her children, if not realistic look at the situation and of how difficult the choices that she has to do.
The tyrant thinks of her
You need to think with it. Do not take on the role of teacher or lifeguard. Instead, join forces with her, be with her as an equal, be a team.
Be the opposite of a rapist does not simply mean to say the opposite of what he says. If he pleads with her: "Do not leave me," and you say; "Go away from him," and you and the perpetrator put pressure on her, forcing to make a decision based on your opinion. But we need it just ask: "What do you want to do?"
About the expert
Alena Prikhidko - family therapist, a graduate student at the University of Florida (USA). Studying emotional regulation, maternal effects on mental health, develop licensing standards for psychotherapists.
1 Author of "Husbands tyrants. How to stop the cruelty of men "(Eksmo 2012).