Why do not I feel anything?

The main ideas of

  • Some of us are not able to recognize their feelings, so people mistakenly think that they do not suffer.
  • One of the reasons insensitivity - the lack of training. Understand their feelings - it's a skill that may or may not develop.
  • Attention to your feelings helps to better understand others and make our lives brighter.


Why do not I feel anything?

"And I, you think, must feel?" - this question, my 37-year-old girlfriend Lina completed the story about how she had quarreled with her husband, when he accused her of stupidity and laziness. I thought (the word "must" bad fit with the feelings) and said gently: "And you feel something?" It is the turn of my friends think. After a pause, she said in surprise: "I think nothing. And it happens with you? "

Of course, it happens! But not when we quarrel with her husband. What I feel in these moments, I know for sure: resentment and anger. And sometimes the fear, because I imagine that we can not make peace, and then we have to leave, and that thought scares me. But I remember that when I was working on TV and my boss yelled loudly at me, I really do not feel anything. Just zero emotion. I was even proud of it. Although to call it a pleasant feeling it is hard.

"Absolutely no emotion? It does not happen! - objects to a family psychologist Elena Ulitova. - Emotions - reaction to changes in the environment. It affects and bodily sensations, and self-image and understanding of the situation. " The angry husband or boss - is quite a significant change in the environment, it can not go unnoticed. Then why emotions do not arise? "We are losing touch with their feelings, and so it seems to us that there is no sense," - explains psychologist.

We are losing touch with their feelings, and so it seems to us that there is no sense

So, we just do not feel anything? "Not so - again corrects me Elena Ulitova. - We have something to feel and can understand it, making sure your body reactions. Quickened breathing? The forehead was covered with sweat? In the eyes of tears? Hands clenched into fists or feet are numb? Your body screams: "The threat!" But you do not miss this signal into consciousness, where he could be related to past experiences and is called the Word. Therefore, subjectively you experience is a complex condition that caused the reaction faced with a barrier on the way to their realization, as a lack of feeling. " Why is this happening?

Excessive luxury

Attentive to the feelings the person is probably more difficult to step over "do not want"? "It is clear that feelings should not be the sole basis for decision-making, - says Svetlana existential psychotherapist Krivtsov. - But in tough times when parents do not have time to hear about the feelings, the children get a hidden message: "This is a dangerous topic, it can destroy our lives."

One reason for the insensitivity - the lack of training. Understand their feelings - it's a skill that may or may not develop.

"The child is for this need the support of parents, - indicates Svetlana Krivtsov - but if it receives a signal from them that their feelings are not important, do not decide anything, not taken into account, then it ceases to feel, that is no longer aware of their feelings."

Of course, the adults do not do it maliciously, "This is the feature of our history: the whole period the Company was guided by the principle" not to fat, have to live. " In a situation where it is necessary to survive, feelings are a luxury. If we feel we can not be effective, we do not do what is necessary. "

The boys often prohibit all that is associated with the weakness of sorrow, resentment, fatigue, fear

Time constraints and parental forces leads to the fact that we have inherited this strange insensitivity. "Other models can not digest - a psychotherapist regrets. - As soon as we begin to relax a bit, crisis, default, and ultimately make us fear again regroup and broadcast model "do what you must," the only correct ".

Even a simple question: "Do you want pie," someone is a feeling of emptiness, "I do not know." That's why it's so important for parents to ask questions ( "You're delicious?") And honestly describe what happens to a child ( "You've got temperature", "I think you're afraid of," "You might like"), and with others ( "Dad angry").

Oddities dictionary

Parents lay the foundation of vocabulary that will eventually allow the children to describe and understand their experiences. Later, the children will compare their experiences with the stories of other people, so that they see in the movies and read the books ... In the dictionary we have inherited and have forbidden words, which should be avoided. So there is a family programming: Some experiences are adopted, others are not.

"Program every family his - continues Elena Ulitova - they may be different and depending on the sex of the child. Boys often prohibit all that is associated with the weakness of sorrow, resentment, fatigue, tenderness, pity, fear. But resolved anger, joy, particularly the joy of victory. Girls often vice versa - is allowed resentment, anger is forbidden. "

In addition to the prohibitions and regulations have: girls require patience. A ban, respectively, to complain, to talk about their pain. "My grandmother used to say:" God is patient and told us, "- says 50-year-old Olga. - A mother proudly told me that during childbirth she "did not make a sound." When I gave birth to her first son, I was trying not to cry, but I did not succeed, and it was a shame that I do not meet "predetermined bar."

Why do not I feel anything?

To call a spade

By analogy with the way of thinking of each of us have our own "way of the senses", linked to a belief system. "At some feelings I have the right, and on the other - there is no, or only have the right, under certain conditions, - says Elena Ulitova. - For example, it is possible to be angry with the child, if he is guilty. And if I find that he is not guilty, my anger can be displaced or change direction. " It can send to yourself, "I am a bad mother," All mothers as a mother, and I can not calm her child.

Anger can hide behind the insult - all normal children, but I got here such, yelling and screaming. "The creator of transactional analysis Eric Berne believed that resentment does not exist - like Elena Ulitova. - It's - "reketnoe" feeling; we need it to use it to force others to do what we want. I take offense, then you should feel guilty and somehow make amends. "

If you constantly suppress one sense, others are weakened, lost shades, emotional life becomes monotonous

We are able to not only replace some feelings of others, but also to shift the range of experiences on a scale of "plus - minus". "One day I suddenly realized that I do not feel joy, - says 22-year-old Denis - snow fell, and I think:" Raskisnet will slob. " Day began to add, I think: "Yet how many expect to become much!"

Our "way of the senses" and in fact often gravitates to the joy or sorrow. "The reasons may be different, including the lack of vitamins or hormones, - says Elena Ulitova - but often this condition occurs as a result of education. Then, after realizing the situation, the next step - to give yourself permission to the senses. " The point is not to experience more of the "good" feelings. The ability to experience grief is just as important as the ability to enjoy. It is about expanding the range of experiences. Then we will not have to come up with "aliases", and we will be able to call a spade a sense.

Feelings and time

To deal with their feelings will help such a tip. It is classified as "his" time, a sense of helping to solve the problem. Otherwise, it masks a different feeling.

Sadness indicates that it is necessary to something simple, something otgorevat, forget, or, conversely, turn it into a memory.

Fear calls us to be protected from possible dangers.

Anger - signal that my boundaries are violated and they should defend right now.

Insult in this case does not help.

Joy out of time: you can rejoice in the fact that it was there now or will happen in the future. It helps us to enjoy life for all time intervals.

Excessive experience

It would be wrong to think that the ability to "turn off" feeling always comes an error, defect. it helps us sometimes. At the moment of mortal danger, many are experiencing numbness, until the illusion that "I'm not here" or "all is not with me." Some "do not feel" right after the loss, left alone after a breakup or a death.

"There is no sense of the forbidden as such, but the intensity of this feeling, - says Elena Ulitova. - Strong experience is great excitement, which in turn includes a security braking ". That's how the mechanisms of the unconscious: the unbearable displaced. Over time, the situation will become less acute, and the feeling will start to show.

off mechanism of emotion is provided for emergency situations, it is not designed for prolonged use

We fear that some strong sense of overwhelm us if let it out, and we can not cope with it. "Once I broke a chair in a rage and now know I can do real harm to the person, who is angry. Therefore, try to be cautious and not to give way to anger, "- says 32-year-old Andrew.

"I have a rule: do not fall in love, - says 42-year-old Maria. - Once I had a crush on a man, and he, of course, broke my heart. So I avoid attachments and happy. " Maybe it's a bad thing, if we abandon the senses, which are unbearable for us?

Why feel

The mechanism is disconnected from emotions is provided for emergency situations, it is not designed for prolonged use. If we continually repress one sense, others are weakened, lost shades, emotional life becomes monotonous. "Emotions show that we are alive - says Svetlana Krivtsov. - Without them it is difficult to make choices, to understand the feelings of others, and therefore, it is difficult to communicate. Yes and of itself an experience painful emotional emptiness. " Therefore it is better to restore contact with the "lost" feeling as soon as possible.

So the question "What am I supposed to feel?" Rather than simply "I feel nothing." And it is no wonder there is an answer - "sadness, fear, anger or joy." Psychologists argue about how much we 'underlying feelings. " Some include in this list, for example, self-esteem, which is considered innate. But with respect to said four all agree: this feeling inherent in us by nature. So I propose to relate it to Lina state with one of the basic senses. Something tells me that she chooses not sorrow and joy. As in my story with the head: I can now admit that the anger felt at the same time with a strong fear that prevented the anger manifest.