3 exercises to improve relations with family and friends
The relationship with the child
Controlling parent wants to know about the baby all, she wants him to be transparent for him in his actions, emotions, feelings. What his unconscious purpose? Save the child completely to himself and to fashion out of it that meets the needs and expectations of the parents.
One of the reasons - panic fear of separation and the accompanying existential emptiness. The second - the inability to imagine the child as an independent person and not as an extension of themselves.
Parent expresses this fantasy by cold or emotional authoritativeness extroversion or invading surrounding excess concern by resorting to intimidation affective denying difference between generations, transforming itself into a god for the son or daughter.
Child with whom to treat, unable to get in touch with their wishes. Pleasure, to support, to be "good target" for parents - a condition of his mental survival.
Always on the lookout - "Did I do the right thing?", - he puts all his energy into the suppression of aggressive impulses.
Results: to communicate with their peers, he often takes the position of either excessive restraint or authoritarianism.
Exercise: Revise your past
Controlling parent - a former child who grew up in captivity affective relationship based on merger and invasion. If we look at his childhood through this prism, again to explore their personal history - their own or with the help of a therapist - this will help to reduce the internal stress, which is caused by the suppressed aggression, and find a more suitable distance in the relationship with their child. Specifically, this means respect his territory - the bodily, emotional and spatial - depending on their age and personality characteristics.
with a partner relationship
Turning to the other as a child - anticipating and satisfying all his desires and needs, jealous - barring the way to any intervention of third parties, real or symbolic - or devaluing partner, showing affective coldness, the controller unconsciously trying to reduce the physical, emotional and symbolic distance between himself and others.
He hopes to relive the initial fusion, or, conversely, to compensate deficiency of the first communication, which lacked parental attention. At the beginning of a love relationship is not easy to distinguish between the expression of the passion of love and the desire to control.
And passion, and control the same inherent tendency to fusion, jealousy bordering on obsession thoughts and feelings. Only with time more clearly looming controlling behaviors. Then there are two possibilities.
Or a pair of functioning in a "dominant-subordinate" and it suits both for reasons related to the personal history of each - as is the case with the merger scheme - either the dynamics of relationships defined by one of the partners, the controller and the other of her suffering. Again and again there are conflicts, and the flight is often the only salvation of the one who subjected to ill-treatment.
Exercise: to achieve greater independence,
The controlling partner lives, unaware of their needs and desires. His energy in the service of illusion, "if I loosen the connection, then left me." But it is taking care of their basic emotional and affective needs, we can establish a relationship of proximity. To develop their own interests, take care of your body, to begin psychotherapy - all the way to restore the shaken sense of inner security and broken self-image.
relationships with friends and colleagues
To control in two ways. Active controller builds relationships with its environment, full of affects, always based on domination, and sometimes conflicting, according to the "who is not with me is against me." Passive prefers not to come to the fore, go with the flow and avoided conflict.
Active controller longer feared and respected than liked. This brings him pain and can increase its aggressiveness. Passive, on the contrary, suffer silently because it paid little attention and respect him enough.
In regards inspector can identify themselves with the controlling, invading parent and dominate, or to remain in the role of a child who is holding back their emotions and desires. He was too depressed to engage the original, based on the equality relationship in which communication takes place "with a raised visor." In order to win the love of it "enjoyable".
Results: in both cases we are talking about how to keep a distance of another person, posing a potential threat, trying to keep him on the affective power and not be excluded from the circle of relationships.
Exercise: cease to be a center of the world
Controller's hard to imagine that the world does not revolve around him. Each for a long time does not ring? This is not to suggest that other issues, but the fact that he is opposed to the controller. The employee does not support the proposed project supervisor? He did not just defending another point of view, as attacks Controller personally. To cope with these feelings, you can make a list of possible motivations of others, trying to consider all the options. Passive controller can learn to assert themselves in a safe environment, in dealing with people he trusts.
About the expert
Isabelle Korolitski (Isabel Korolitski) - psychoanalyst, author and expert of the French Psychologies.