Malediction hurts more than it seems

Malediction hurts more than it seems

"Many people live for years in an atmosphere of verbal violence, but do not suspect that something is wrong, because the insult and humiliation have long become part of their lives," - said Patricia Evans, the author of the book "Verbal aggression: how to recognize and defeat ".

Meanwhile, such a style of relationship is a serious blow psyche - our brain is experiencing verbal abuse as physical violence. "CT scans of the human brain that hears angry insults in the address, and tomography person who has just been hit on the head, look the same," - says Evans.

Two more serious consequences of verbal aggression - constant humiliation erode our self-esteem and impaired attention, we become distracted, we find it hard to concentrate.

Calling "nonsense" your words or actions, the aggressor insists that the last word is always followed

The verbal aggression - not necessarily rude curses, shouts and threats. Endless comments and "humorous" insults requests wounded at least in the form of orders. Here are a few examples of verbal aggression, to be aware of.

The refusal or silence. As the aggressor says: "I have what you need, and I can give or not to give it to you. Therefore, I control the situation. " Or, "If I do not answer you refuse to answer, I can be sure that everything will remain the same. I do not need to ask your opinion. I do not say "no" and do not say "yes." You're on the hook, and I'm not risking anything. " Opposition. to act contrary to your requests and desires, the aggressor is sure: "I can think and make decisions for both of us. You think wrong, and I'm right. If I make you doubt yourself, it would be easier to control you. "

The depreciation. Not giving importance to your words and actions, calling them "nonsense", "nonsense", "nonsense" aggressor insists that the last word should always be followed. "I can devalue your words and actions, but I have - beyond criticism and nobody is accountable. I accept the decision. When you see how you are insignificant / worthless, it would be easier to control you. "

Malediction hurts more than it seems

to "Humorous" insults. Calling insult "only" a joke, the aggressor has in mind: "It gives me such joy to see how hurt you my word that I'm not going to stop. I believe that my words should be perceived with humor. I can say what I want. I know the situation. "

Rough suppression. a sharp break conversation, ignoring your words, aggressor emphasizes: "I do not have respect for your opinion and answer to you, you are an inadequate person, so I can finish the conversation, when I want, - I decide."

charges. Stating that you are to blame for the fact that it offends you, the aggressor wants to make you think: "You're the one to blame / blame myself that hurt you, and that I am with you as I talk, and so turn and in general in everything that is not the way I want, so I do not change their behavior. " Damnation and comments. In condemning and criticizing, the aggressor gets another opportunity to subjugate our will: "When I tell you that you are wrong to think and act, I start to control you."

How to protect

1. Listen to yourself. "If you constantly feel close to someone on tenterhooks, or suffer from feelings of inferiority (" Forever I do not "), scoff at you, most likely, you are exposed to verbal aggression", - explains Evans. Listen to the way you talk. You say (decides for you) that you are kind of person, what you want in life? but ourselves, no one can know and decide what we want, what we think, what we feel. Trust your feelings first of all, to build on them.

2. Stop blaming yourself. "You have to realize that aggression - not your fault, but a problem of mentality of one who offends you - he emphasizes Evans. - All that he needs - total control over you. " If someone from your environment places the blame for the behavior of the aggressor to you, do not rush to blame themselves. "I once advised a woman, her husband which had a habit of yelling at her for no reason, and her mother thought she was partly responsible for this insane behavior of the spouse - Evans says. - It is absolutely wrong opinion, and it causes great harm to the psyche. "

3. Resist. There is no need to explain and justify - instead, begin to set boundaries: "I do not want to hear it," "Stop. Stop right now. " 4. Find a support group. It is important to find someone with whom you can discuss the situation, to share what the soul - it could be someone from relatives, friends or trustworthy therapist.

5. Do not try to change the aggressor. A man is able to change for the better, if you really want to - but you can not change it only by their own efforts. But you can treat yourself with respect and take care of his health.

see also

Malediction hurts more than it seems

Emotional Abuse - this disregard the dignity of others. Victims of domestic violence feel that they are treated as things: if the perpetrators of emotional abuse, does not see anything in them human. Therapist Mike Bandrent - how to repel an aggressor.

Infidelity bring the pain, humiliation, frustration and loss of confidence in the other. And a sense of guilt. But not the one who changed, and at the one betrayed. Man begins to feel fear, "to me it is not so bad, I tried", "it's because of me." When this hypothesis is untenable and harmful? Reflects a clinical psychologist Julia Lapina.