Is this love?
"Fifty shades of gray" - are not pornographic novel, and the description of the real model of love relationships in the modern couple. Such an unexpected conclusion came sociologist Eva Illouz, after careful study of the book EL James and hundreds of surveys in the different countries of the world. Why has disappeared from our lives, and why romantic love loving relationships between men and women today are more like chaos - these issues sociologist dedicated their books.
The first discovery is made Illuz - love in modern society brings more doubts and uncertainty than joy. "Love affairs have lost weight, became a place of ambivalence (duality), risk and uncertainty, - says Illuz. - Plans for the future in many pairs to discuss pending. Social norms and rituals, which previously allowed partners feel more comfortable (especially at the beginning of dating when still so vague), do not work today. Men and women overcomes a lot of doubts, "What to me this relationship?"; "Will they have a continuation?"; "Am I in love?"; "Am I satisfied with the sexy side?".
to end the relationship has become easier, but any break we react is still dire
Difficulties also arise because we are constantly confronted with two conflicting social attitudes - on the one hand, we should cherish their autonomy, with another - afford to be dependent on each other. This contradiction - the cause of frequent conflicts in the couple: we can not choose what is more important, how to act.
Another important fact to complete the novel has become much easier, but the relationship itself does not become less important for us. Any gap we react is still acute. Significant changes have also made the strengthening of the status of women in society. Previously, marital relations have been developing according to certain rules, which makes the atmosphere more transparent marriage. Feminism demanded by women to assert their rights and no longer totally dependent on men. Relationship instantly became more utilitarian: the partners began to divide responsibilities among themselves, count the number of benefits and losses.
On the personal life and influenced the culture of consumption. Today we have a huge selection. We are free, no one and nothing can make us not only to get married (to be married), but also to maintain long-term relationships. Part of this change is positive: it put an end to patriarchy and sexual sphere made more intense and exciting. Gay couples were granted the right to exist, women - to sexual pleasure. But there is another side: in romantic relationships become possible, all or almost all. They were among the non-binding. In other areas of life, such as work or policies required to comply with basic ethical rules of love - no more.
In the market of brides and grooms are hunting for the best deals. Women in this situation is more complex than men. Primarily because men have more choice and experience - their presence in the market lasts much longer. However, one and the other is not easy to choose. We sit in front of a TV remote control and click, and in romantic relationships - to "jump" from one partner to another. We no longer know what we want. We aspire to the ideal, so we have no desire to enter into a long term relationship - still Partner will imperfect, earthly. What are we looking for - maybe still love? Her most women desire: they need the recognition that they were deprived of for many years, excluded from active social life. At the fair sex and now less than men, opportunities to build a career and achieve success in business. Therefore, many people continue to invest in a loving relationship and motherhood. This is especially true of women, who do not have a lot of money and jobs: they want to realize themselves in the marriage and feel like a failure if they do not fail.
Negative experiences in romantic relationships leads to the fact that they cease to respect yourself. Unfortunately, today it is difficult to succeed in the classic marriage: a woman looking for a stable relationship, but met a man who did not want them to be included and to assume responsibilities.
The paradox of modern love is that there's little participation, care and responsibility, but it is important for us - is enormous. Not to be lost in this new world, says Illuz, need to leave the comfort zone, to resist the conventions of society, to realize that all that happens to us - the result of our inner spirit. If we can succeed in this - we will suffer less from the disappointments of love.