Stand up for themselves at work
"You did not know how to write" - I heard these words in his address in the tenth year of active work in the media. And not on the critical reader or fellow competitors, but from the editor in chief, the master of Russian journalism. I would give up - let them flatters their vanity superior posts, the more that hurtful words have not shaken my confidence in their own professionalism.
But self - confidence and the feeling was as if I moved the locomotive, and so it pulled up to the level of the diaphragm. It hurted me. And now, a few years later, I was just painfully experiencing criticism superiors or colleagues at the same time (as before) all kind trying to show: "I am clever and beautiful, but you do not understand, just do not appreciate such happiness as working with me!"
In general, I treat the situation adequately. At a meeting with transactional analyst Vadim Petrovsky I went with the hope to understand themselves, their relationships with other people and learn how to calmly and objectively accept criticism.
The critic in me
What is it - high self-esteem and inability to defend its position, views? Or maybe I should just learn to accept as a fact: the authorities must keep subordinates in good shape, and it does so as he can, belittling, for example, their achievements and efforts.
"And yet, when the boss is dissatisfied with work, in which I have invested a lot of work, besides talking about it, not caring about the correctness of the statements, it hurts me. To recover, I need a lot of mental strength, "- I complain Vadim Petrovsky.
But he suddenly said: "You criticize yourself much stronger than your superiors." And offers to transfer to another chair: "Imagine yourself now in the skin of your inner critic. How did you feel? "
to appreciate themselves - this tends to only one part of your personality. Other - edits and constantly criticizes
The room has a round table and three chairs, each of which (says the analyst) I will now sit down and feel a different incarnation of the self. And if need be - and unfamiliar characters who most ingenious way to fit into my life.
"Yes, this is not the critic in me says, and the editor, proof-reader, which helps not to make mistakes - I protested. - It is much sharper than I feel in myself Tolstoy's Natasha Rostova who almost kissed his reflection in the mirror: "What a darling this Natasha!"
Appreciate yourself, be good to yourself - this tends to only one part of your personality, insists Vadim Petrovsky. Other - edit, censor and constantly criticizes you. And when this inner critic joins the outside, there is a chorus of voices that you can not ignore. "I want to understand your inner censor. What did he say? "- requires the therapist.
between parent and child: to find his adult
And then for me it starts to get uncomfortable, that I have already passed on the psychological training, - I should feel as if I have my internal censor, and on his behalf I have to say now. Probably a little artistry in me, and all that I utter, not for myself, but for the hero, seem to me unnatural, false.
Yet I begin: "Nastya, in each edition, where you come, at first you behave like insecure schoolgirl who moonlights as a courier, and is afraid even to the walls of the office, not to mention the staff. A master, go to the other extreme - you lose an eye, caution becomes too open to all, as if she worked here for many years. The distance between you and other people excessively reduced. "
In building relationships at work from the perspective of adults, we are objective and act independently
"Shortage-bust, the deficit-redundancy: you have too little - and the next moment is too much", - says Vadim Petrovsky. And it brings me to the classical triad of transactional analysis: Parent-Child-Adult.
Explains: "In you is obedient says, offended child, and then, immediately, - demanding and opinionated parents. Between these states is not the position of adults who can see the situation for what it is, analyze, compare, and most importantly - do not be afraid to make mistakes and do not rely on the fact that all his work would be successful. Building relationships at work with this position, we are objective and can understand how, for example, corresponding to that position, which is engaged in, looking for a compromise, acting independently. "
I became painfully sorry for the flooring that if he did not live an adult life, and I'm starting to prove the opposite therapist: "I understand that one can not exist alone between work and family. Recently, I said to myself: it is necessary to actively break from both, bought a subscription to a fitness club and now I go to the pool and the gym, and I like it. "
"Even when you're talking about the pleasure you use the word" should "- instantly notices Peter. - As if before you (or rather, the child in you) did not allow for too much. "
You grew up and controlling a demanding parent's voice began to sound within you
Of course, I think to myself, is not allowed! Our family could not be something I do not read, do not look, do not know ... For example, I was five years old when my grandfather found out that I did not familiar with the works of Lermontov, and began to read the "Song of the Merchant Kalashnikov". I tried to get away, because the song of something quite terrible, but he tied me to a chair with a towel and forced to listen to the end.
"There was a little girl Nastya and family, adults with their rigid attitudes, what is right and wrong, - analyzes the situation Vadim Petrovsky. - You grew up and controlling a demanding parent's voice began to sound within you. How did you feel? "
"We have to take a parental attitude towards all members of my family - I confess. - In addition, I spoke and as parents - the chief editor of one of the Internet projects. True, it was a positive experience: I was a creative supervisor, motivating subordinates to be creative, and to protect them before the management of the company. "
"This is a really positive experience, because it came together and strong parent and a young child, spontaneous, creative, fun, - says Vadim Petrovsky. - And in the background of this merger, "including" An adult who always listen and try to understand, is to encourage creativity and mobility of employees, to protect them. I think that the work you were comfortable. "
"I want to be me!"
I transplanted again. Vadim Petrovsky says: "Here there sits Nastya, and here I am, as an employer or in general a certain status person. She waits patiently, and when I finish talking. She had a faraway look. And I want Nastya actively listened to me. That is, non-judgmental listening, not arguing and consulting nothing but giving me the opportunity to express their ideas and to be heard. "
Well, it looks like I really need to change the attitude towards life and others. "What would you like in reality?" - asks the analyst.
Wording get me a forced, but sincere. "I want to be closer to him. Spud his ego ... "- I say something that would not let herself in the presence of relatives or friends. - Who is in you'd like to "spud" their ego?
- "The momentum is coming from a child who has had too many shoulds. Understanding of what I need to get back to herself - by parents who constantly monitors and insisted. And clear, probably by adults who objectively evaluate what is now happening to me, and is ready to take a balanced, appropriate solution.
Vadim Petrovsky again asks me to change seats. Now I - Nastya-imaginary child, and psychoanalyst asks her about the cherished desires. My voice involuntarily changed, becoming shrill and a bit whimsical. But this is more honest reincarnation, I can easily say that I clearly remember from my childhood:
"I want to I had my own dog, or other animal, only mine, that I was responsible for it. And I want to be away from me did not require to be steeper my cousin because he was older than me by three years, smarter and stronger. I want to be myself. I want to relax and learn at the four and five. Maybe with two triples - how much comes out. And do not sit in the summer on a summer residence, reading sheet set "New World", and friends wander the dusty Moscow, to communicate. "
Therapy using transactional analysis should not be too long. Yet counseling can not be limited to one meeting
Vadim Petrovsky picks up: "I want to go where I want and to communicate with those with whom I want to do what I want. And to live every day to its fullest. And no "must", only the word "want", or rather "want" together - Nastya-large and small-Nastya ".
But at this moment the two ladies suddenly ceased to interest me.
They ought, grievances and claims are known to me. We have some time discussing with the analyst action that I should take in order to live in harmony with them. But it runs like a tangent, by my mind, because it can not help me back to "you must do" from which I seek to get rid of. I was a little embarrassed that I did not succeed in a single session to overcome the problem that I have come to Vadim Petrovsky. But he reassures me: "Therapy with transactional analysis should not be too long, the task of the analyst - to free the customer from the problems as soon as possible. Yet counseling can not be limited to one meeting. The usual course - a 4-6 two-hour sessions. "
I go out from Vadim Petrovsky, and all my thoughts switched to this mysterious adult, which I thought only at a meeting with a therapist. And the adult me very nice.
Former oppressive feeling that I'm living someone else's life, in which everything is just along the Hamburg score, and therefore can not be bosses of criticism, failures and missteps, let me go. I think that "includes adult" - this is a very exciting experience.
"I ventured to the role of leader of the"
Marina, 50 years, head of the PR-direction
"Fifteen years ago I worked as a PR-manager of one of the Russian IT-companies. By education I am a chemist and was just starting to develop information technology. Once at the representative forum was to speak one of the company executives. But he did not return from a trip, and I had to "close a recess."
I was really scared, but it was clear that I manage for the public reaction. Moreover, none of the participants who did not know me personally, did not suspect that deep down I do not understand the subject. And then I realized that I could promote any project technology. The main thing - to be sure of the quality of the product, its unique properties and to respect the audience, which is accessed.
Over time I realized that it was ready to planning projects "from and to" work on directives from above was not interested. And I decided to take a chance again, although there was a lot of doubt - along with a colleague to open their own PR-agency. And for me to fulfill a new role of the leader: to stimulate the creativity of employees, to teach them the responsibility for the result. It was not easy to take the company to the international level, the reputation of a reliable partner was created over the years. Until now, I was deeply hurt a situation where in order to win the competition people go to disinformation and forgery, exploiting the connection. If I say that I work very much, I do not exaggerate. Only total immersion brings the pleasure of working and gives the result of which is born of self-esteem: "I did it!" Faced with a large number of people, most of all respect them professionalism, interest, non-indifference, dedication, responsibility for the result and the ability to see a step forward. It does not depend on the status - a competitor, employee or partner ".
On the EA
Vadim Petrovsky - a psychologist, Doctor of Psychology, Professor of Psychology Department of the Faculty of Social Sciences NRU "Higher School of Economics." More detailed information on its website.