10 phrases that can not talk to children in a divorce
In most cases, a divorce - is stressful for both partners, even for the initiator. Expressions off scale, the ability to control herself reduced. But if you have children, it is necessary to inhale and pause before you say something rashly.
1. "Your father (your mother) is simply unbearable (a)"
Accusations against the wife put the baby in a terrible situation, he finds himself caught between two fires. Whatever made the former, children do not have to do with it.
"The child - half of each parent - explains child psychologist Nancy Marble. - When you criticize the father or mother of his children, and you blame the children themselves. They feel it and start to defend themselves and parents are accused. In this case, your relationship with your child will be spoiled. "
2. "I feel lonely when you're the father (mother)"
Parents usually mean that children miss. But if you tell them that your happiness and well-being in some way dependent on them. The child feels the pressure. "Do not make the child responsible for their own misfortune, - says Benjamin II of Valencia, family law specialist. - Children should not try to make you happy or less alone and to feel guilty for having to spend time with the other parent. "
3. "Because of him (it), we were left without money,"
No matter how it changed financial situation after divorce. Share these problems with the child inappropriately, for him it would be an intolerable burden.
"Explain that your situation has changed, and some will have to cut spending, normally, - says Nancy Marble. - But you do not need to "load" the child's adult issues and details of financial wrangling with former spouse. Let the children enjoy their childhood, while you as an adult solve problems on their own. "
4. "I would like (a), so we were all together, but your mother / your father is gone (to eat) from us"
This is another way to get the child to choose between you, even if you are doing it unconsciously. "Blaming the other parent, you are more confused child in this already difficult situation. He will feel embarrassment and anguish, - explains Nadine Gray, therapist. - You send the message: "You should choose me because your father / your mother is to blame for the divorce."
5. "All men - bastards" or "All women - liar"
Such generalized accusations could harm the future life of the child, nor lay the negative perceptions about the opposite sex. "Children are watching you much more closely than you might think - says Nancy Marble. - Do you want them to, repeating your mistakes? "
6. "If you behave properly, we would not quarrel"
During a divorce the children tend to blame themselves, such phrases only reinforce a sense of guilt.
"To settle disputes and cope with stress in a divorce - adult task, not children - says Ofra Obeyas, child and adolescent psychotherapist. - These words force the child to think that if he had been better, the parents would not have so many problems, and they would not be divorced. "
7. "You're all in my father (mother) '
Obviously you do not want to be with the other parent, and if the "accused" in the likeness of a child with him, it turns out, do not want to be with your child? "These words forced him to fear that he will one day lose your love - says Craig Pedersen, an expert on family law. - He begins to doubt whether the right to love both parents. "
8. "The Pope briefly left"
Avoid "white lies" or vague answers. Tell the children the truth, which corresponds to their age.
"Children need to understand that they live in a predictable world, then they have the opportunity to realize more or less predict the future, - says psychiatrist Alex Dimitriu. - You'll have to explain why the other parent left the house, otherwise the child will be in an atmosphere of uncertainty. Parents must come to a common version and stick to it. This will help children to cope with a difficult period. "
9. "If you're going to cry, go to my room"
To see the suffering of the child and to understand that the reason was the divorce hard. But let children express emotions and do not blame them for it.
"Separation of parents frighten children. Especially if they are not old enough to accurately express the feelings - says an expert on grieving Shelby Forsythia. - Forbidding them cry, sad or angry, forcing you to keep all the emotions in yourself, that may harm the psyche. "
10. "Now you're a man (woman) in the house,"
You may want to instill a sense of responsibility, but in fact report that now the child has to take the role of an adult, which is too much for him.
"The children understand the words literally, - says Carole Brody Fleet, author of the book" When bad things happen to good women. " - No child, no matter how much it may be years, not to live with the feeling that he is obliged to assume the responsibilities of an adult. "