Lyudmila Petranovskaya: "The purpose of the parent - become unnecessary"
From the moment of birth the child becomes the center of family life. Parents and grandparents take care of the baby, worried whether he ate, slept, trying in every way to please him well. Child every day receives the information that he received in the world, he formed the belief that "I'm fine, I'm here on the right." Children who have formed this sense, carry a charge of confidence, can safely and constructively respond to criticism, to find ways out of difficult situations.
If a child has been deprived of his family or parents doing anything but not to them, if he had formed the belief that it exists in the world of law, even as adults, any problem he will be perceived as a catastrophe that can not survive. Such a person is difficult to learn from their mistakes, it becomes very vulnerable, anxious, aggressive.
the number of frustrations experienced by a child, it seems over-limit for an adult. But the child copes
We come into the world completely helpless, we can not take care of themselves. Our survival, to become independent and responsible person depends entirely on whether we have "their adult", one who is willing to care for, protect, sacrifice their interests for the sake of us. He does not have to be sverhuspeshen, smart or strong. He has only to consider their child, take care of it, protect it.
Ideally, each of us should be "their adult", next to which is quiet and safe, which is a child in respect of attachment - the protection and care. This attitude of attachment to "their adult" becomes a bridge for children in life, passing through which they will develop and gradually become self-reliant. Learned to walk, a child begins to actively explore the world: always something touching, exploring, climbing somewhere. And, of course, when he actively studying the whole, he often feels frustrated - a negative experience associated with failure, the inability to get what you want.
I climbed on the sofa - down, playing with the door - to pinch your fingers, reached for the cup - the cup was broken, he wanted to eat candy - my mother would not let ... And so every day! For an adult the number of frustrations experienced by a child, it seems extraordinary. But the child cope. First and foremost, this is possible thanks to the fact that in any difficult situation to overcome the frustration he refers to "my adult". If he's a little upset him enough to stand next to my mother, if frustration is strong, then it is necessary to get it to the hilt, hugged, comforted.
We are social beings, we get the support and protection in relationships with loved ones. When we are faced with something that is too strong, unbearable negative emotions, which we can not handle, it is important to get support.
It is necessary that a man presented himself as a container, a psychological womb, created a safe cocoon between us and the world, to the cocoon we could safely endure any strong feelings. Through this mechanism - containment (from the English word container - "receptacle") - a man emerging from a stressful mobilization. Universal way of containment - arms.
For an adult can be quite a conversation, attention. He needs to get the message: "I am not alone, take care of me, I can not worry about their safety." For the child, it is particularly important, since experience frustration and at the same time impossible to take care of security. A sense of insecurity prevents him develop. Generally, a child two basic states: "I want to mother" and "mother nearby, all around interesting." When a child is close to her parents, for example, a walk in the park, he is busy exploring the world. But if suddenly the parents is not close - it stops the study as long as the parents are not there, and the contact will not be restored to them.
When a person experiences stress, there is a mobilization of all resources of the body
The same applies to the entire childhood in general. Once the child becomes "saturated" relationship with his adult, he goes to an independent life. The purpose of the parent - child become unnecessary. The child has learned to cope with difficulties without an adult, and eventually, he could build a relationship with their children.
When a person experiences stress, there is a mobilization of all resources of the body. To increase the chances of success, all systems are beginning to operate at higher speeds. But a long stay in this state is impossible, so after each mobilization to stress hormones are gone from the blood, it is necessary demobilization relaxation.
If success is achieved, demobilization occurs by happy feelings, causing relaxation. If, however, could not be obtained conceived, a child is experiencing frustration, and in this case is only possible through the demobilization of containment: aggression transformed into sadness through crying. We find ourselves in the embrace of a loved one, through tears and sorrow accept the situation. The body relaxes, there is a feeling of fatigue, sedation.
Only close relationships enable to cope with frustration lossless
Without containment child deprived of the opportunity to demobilize, he is stuck in a state of stress, it becomes tense, distrustful, it increases the level of anxiety, aggressiveness. To withstand the constant pressure of negative emotions, he can either go the way of reducing the emotional sensitivity, or do not mobilize.
Increasing protective "shell" in order not to feel the pain and resentment, he loses and positive emotions, and calm it still does not work, because only the containment, only a close relationship make it possible to cope with frustration without loss. A refusal to mobilize makes people apathetic, spineless, irresponsible. A child who has chosen this path, not even trying to reach the goal, the slightest difficulty on the road plunges him into despair.
If the child receives support from adults, he may experience severe stress without breaking, without acquiring pathological character traits, accumulating positive experience setbacks and learning experiences to learn from their own mistakes.