Love ... two
The main ideas of
- Dual relationships are not always conceal a self-interest: some are real feelings for him.
- We love a lot of faces that really gives us an opportunity to love each in their own way.
- Survive in a love triangle easier for those who can talk about their feelings and sexuality.
Is it possible to love two people at once at the same time? This question caught us by surprise: our first desire - to respond immediately, "no." And it is clear: everyone has a memory many instances where one spouse is cheating parasite once for two people who love him. And he, in fact, does not like a single one. However, we are not attracted to another option: to be a prisoner absolutely sincere feelings to the two partners at the same time.
"We are unconsciously afraid of the opportunity to get in a love triangle - says family therapist Ina Khamitov. - Not only because we all need a stable, trusting relationship. Infidelity can lead to many losses: close people turn away, possible divorce ... "
Love triangle - a classic story. We always care about movies, novels in which the hero or heroine is torn between two loved ones or the two of them try to sort out their feelings. We sympathize with them, but at the same time trying to understand that men and women are looking for in a bifurcation of relations?
"A lot of people who at some stage of his life realizes that love just two, - says a French psychotherapist Sarah-Anne de Saint-Hubert. - Physiology love our contemporaries no longer fit into the framework of classical morality. Today I was a dualistic understanding of love (like / do not like), we see that this feeling has a lot of nuances. "
"Rating" of love in our lives is very high, but because it is her we are increasingly inclined to believe the cause of (their) infidelity. "Even 40 years ago, when speaking of adultery, married men implied that it was a casual one-night, - explains the sociologist Sergei Hunger. - Today, other motifs often refer to it in the love of another woman. "
Ideal and Reality
"We have traditionally focused on monogamous relationship, - says Inna Khamitov. - We hope to meet someone who can give us everything we expect from love. We are willing to live with him a long life together grow old and die in one day. But it is - a rare happiness, perfect story. The reality in most cases does not live up to expectations. "
Why is this happening? According to French psychoanalyst Didier Dumas, "the desire for monogamy reflects our unconscious desire to revive the primary relationship with the mother. For the mother of the child is his universe, it gives inexhaustible love and acceptance. And, as adults, many expect from your partner the same sense of love and security, both in early childhood. Becoming a partner in the place of the mother, such a person condemns himself to eternal dissatisfaction, because the love of a partner not call up the ideal of maternal feelings. In this case, the love two people - a way to avoid the projection of a partner relationship with our mother. "
Another reason for the split in love can be so-called splitting, when a person regains his drive and different needs with different partners. Freud spoke of two inclinations - the tender (it is in some sense due to the attachment to the mother) and sensory (its purpose - sexual satisfaction). "In the adult man, they should merge and be directed to one partner - says the analyst Natalia Kigali. - Often, however, they remain divided, and therefore to satisfy them are elected by different objects of love. "
Finally, some couples the third vital: it helps keep the relationship together. "A pair - it is always (to a degree) merging with each other - explains Inna Khamitov. - But some people have an unconscious fear of excessive merger with loved ones, they are afraid to feel absorbed. If both partners in a couple are, they are bad and together intolerable apart. In this situation, I love the third one of the partners makes it possible to keep a distance. For example, the husband is not fully intimate with his wife, because he has a mistress. But the merger does not take place, and with it, as a wife. A similar story can last for years, until one of the lovers do not get tired of the uncertainty and did not come out of the game. "
attachment or a variety of
The exclusive right to the parallel stories a long time owned by men. Today, women are more likely to behave in the same way, as if to erase the differences between the sexes. "Structural differences exist, but rather between the masculine and the feminine, - says Sarah-Anne de Saint-Hubert. - Men driven by centrifugal force, and more often than feminine generates attraction to double love relationships. A centripetal feminine being inherently attachment, strongly focuses on one person and less disposed parallel to subjects. "
It seems that we have to admit that some of this double love really need to address their underlying needs. "Let us not forget that there are as many kinds of sexuality, how many lives of people in the world - like Didier Dumas. - As there are no two people with exactly the same individuals, because no two people with exactly the same sexual behavior. A man who loves two women, in this respect behave with each of them in different ways. Sexuality - it works, and the one who connects his life with two partners, creates two dissimilar works. "
To tell or say nothing?
Deciding to hide a new love, any risk to feel like a member of vaudeville trio: husband, wife and lover (mistress). "To go through such a situation capable of only those who are able to talk, discuss with your partner your feelings and talk about sexuality - says Didier Dumas. - And it's not easy, because you have to overcome two thousand years of silence about anything related to sex! " "Such talk can make closer partners, if they are willing to listen and try to understand each other, - says Natalya Kigali. - To do this, you should be ready to examine not only different, but most of all himself. "
Not always, however, the desire to open up leads to positive results. "Before deciding on a conversation, ask yourself the question:" Why would I want to talk about change, "Understand, if you are driven only a desire to understand themselves and relationships, or there is something else, say, an unconscious desire to create a competitive relationship between? one partner and another - warns Ina Khamitov. - You have to understand that the partner will be hurt; it is possible that he will accept this information as a betrayal, not be able to process it correctly, will begin to suffer, feel useless ... Here is your straightforwardness is unlikely to be appropriate. "
In the case where the open loved one is not possible, and therefore, there is no chance together to analyze the situation, it remains little. "Accept and understand the knowledge that you love two people, and to understand why this is so, - says Natalya Kigali. - For each new knowledge about themselves (albeit wounding) enriches us, it leads to greater wholeness. Another thing - what do you understand about yourself. Sometimes it is there are things to know who does not want to. "
They live with this
A few months ago we were asked to share their experiences and reflections on the subject of parallel love. It's a lot of letters, here are two of them.
"One gives me a sense of security, and the other gives passion"
"We have been together for five years, but we do not have children, and all their unspent tenderness my husband showered on me. Pampered as a child, spares and protects. And I like to feel loved and protected. But once there he had a friend, cute, fun, simple-minded guy. After some time and I he becomes a friend. Sensitive, quiet, thoughtful, with him I can discuss everything that interests me. We went with him to rest. At one day he touched me - and I was like an electric shock. Sex with him turned out to be amazing. It was a passion that I have up to this point have not experienced ... And now to see him there and not be able to touch - the most severe torture. I tell my husband that I love his best friend, and walk away - a terrible thing, which I can not decide. And I live, I love passionately and tenderly one - another. Leave her husband - then break your heart to pieces, not love another - to tear your soul ... "
Anna, 27 years old
"I like that fighting for me,"
"I've been married 20 years, have two children: a son of 18 years, daughter - 10. Due to the poor health of senior wife became a housewife. But she is always aware of my affairs, can give advice, support morally. Five years ago, our company has come a young woman. About our passion wife no idea. A year ago, my sweetheart divorced, expecting that I, too, divorce and made her an offer. And then I suddenly realized that I could not get away from his wife. I can not part with his mistress. On the one I feel good, comfortable, I was grateful to her, I feel her tenderness, affection. But the other gives that to me is also very necessary - the feeling of drive ...
The situation changed when the mistress of a fan appeared, with whom she was going to start a family. It was not easy to decide, but I moved in with her. The wife, of course, crying, asked to come back ... Then ill. I lived with a mistress for several months, everything seems to be ustakanilos. But suddenly I realized that I just can not go back to his wife. And I'm back. Now I bugged his phone calls a lover ... And you know, now I like the fact that they are fighting for me, I am for them - as a trophy. "
Sawa, 45 years old
The gift of love
Many similar stories described in books or embodied in films evolve dramatically - explanations, tears, scandals ... In real life, there are people who live in a love triangle over the years ... and do not see this is no tragedy. "If you are truly sincere in their feelings, do not blame yourself because your life path does not coincide with the generally accepted ideal, - says Sarah-Anne de Saint-Hubert. - Even if many of you are convicted. Two parallel love stories rather say that you have this important gift - love. "