Problems of Children - a reflection of parents' problems?
"Son, we just at the hands strayed! - complains Marina, the mother of seven Potap. - I led him to a child psychologist, thought, will understand. And she said that we together have to go to it! They say, and I have to work! I say: why ?! I have some problems there! "
Parents often believe that the child psychologist can "fix" the child and return to his family, "corrected."
No substitute parenting
Children clinical psychologist Elena Morozova says that one day she was asked to take all the teenager to his re-education, because in her office he behaved himself and was willing to listen to her, and her mother constantly clashed.
"But the children less often lead, hoping that things will get better psychologist: click on the desired buttons, give a magic pill, - says Elena Morozova. - The main thing is that the child has become what it wants to see a parent. He's not trying to conceive a child, does not analyze why he goes one way or another, does not think as they learn each other better feel and interact. But education - a creative process that requires a serious, thoughtful consideration. "
Some parents, on the other hand, come to accept, feeling a strong sense of guilt, adds a child psychologist Olga Egorova: "They think I am a bad parent, again failed to cope with the upbringing. Plus they are under pressure from society assessment - condemnation of relatives, friends, teachers. "
However, those who believe that they themselves do not have problems, and those who blamed himself, ready to shift the responsibility to a specialist and the time to give him the right to raise children. But this is an illusion. "I explain to parents: yes, you have a hard, hard, but no one mission your mom or dad will not assume, - says Elena Morozova. - Even if you have a child with me solemnly it will pass, it will reject it. It will not be a stranger to build these intimate, sophisticated, with nothing comparable, and in no way interchangeable relationship. " So, for the sake of children's parents also need to be involved in the treatment process.
What to do: control and freedom to provide
Each child brings in his own way and makes inevitable mistakes. But even if they are costly for the child, a professional psychologist will never inspire a parent, that he is guilty.
"Guilt is not constructive and not helpful either to the parent or child - emphasizes Elena Morozova. - After the children read it and start to manipulate it. What happened - what happened, have not played back. The parent had reason to do so, maybe he was at the time insufficiently mature and understanding. But now we have an opportunity to fix it. And we must focus on this. "
Modern parents, our experts say, often go to extremes. Some try to raise an obedient child who would be no problems either to them or to teachers. But in doing so they raise spineless conformist, who is unable to defend himself and his position, take the initiative. "So the parents think that the child should be adjusted and train. And in fact, you need to understand, guide, empathize and help him to actively develop, "- says Elena Morozova.
A child who suffered, parents can check: whether and so much do you love me?
At the other extreme, often run into parents who themselves grew up in an atmosphere of strict prohibitions and restrictions on the principle of "nothing is impossible", continues Olga Yegorova. They want to raise their children in another way, to bring them a free and open. At the same time they confuse freedom and permissiveness, and do not place any frameworks, and in return receive whims, disobedience, aggression.
But realize that the problem is not in the child or not only in it, to see their own shortcomings and change its educational style is extremely difficult. Finally, there are the individual characteristics of the child, that parent is difficult to understand.
For example, it happens that the child and parent are not the same temperament, says Elena Morozova. Fast, dominant mother may feel that her delicate, floating in the fantasies of the child is very lazy and passive, and this causes her displeasure. But he is forced to defend itself against its head and go in your dreams. Conversely, balanced, slow mother would be difficult to hyperactive, dynamic kid, always demanding her attention. Here parents and help from a professional look.
Find a place to stand and learn how to build a relationship with the child
"Often, I suggest the parent and child together to do what they like - to draw, read, make crafts - and look what prevents their interaction, - says Elena Morozova. - We analyze with the parent that does not work for them and it is impossible to me what I do for a child I was not rude, he refused to do what I suggest, was not afraid to speak out. And how to make it and they came. " often difficult for parents to raise a child, because they do as a child did not receive from their mothers and fathers experience the openness, empathy, safety. Nevertheless, it is possible to learn, says Olga Egorova: "In the course of therapy, it is important to show the parents of his area of responsibility, but not to chastise him, and to help find the fulcrum. If it is really important the mental health of the child, he will overcome their fears, anxieties, and the process of change begin. "
But do not expect that the restructuring of the relationship will go smoothly. The child may resist change, warns Elena Morozova: "Maybe his earlier relationship and did not meet, but they are accustomed to it. He could manipulate the parent, and now it needs to change. A child who has suffered much, may start testing the parent: whether and so much do you love me? Is it possible to hope for you? Checking it is sometimes very hard: and defiant disobedience, and stealing. "
And parents have to learn endurance, consistency and patience: a positive result will be - but not as fast as we would like.
The child - witness the parents conflicts
But sometimes the problem of the child - the projection of family problems. "Family - it is a system, and if it is something unfavorable, then the first to suffer the most unprotected of its members, as a rule, a child - says Olga Yegorova. - He seems to be becoming a marker of trouble. But parents often do not want to notice this, because all of us easier to see the problem in a different, but not in themselves. " Therefore, lead the child therapy, not realizing that they themselves are in need of it. For example, parents can be sure that the child does not know about the serious conflict between them, because they will never quarrel with him. "But the tension still hangs in the air, the child feels and it feels uncomfortable - still a child psychologist - because that translates words, not supported on non-verbal level.
The child must somehow put it in the head and adapt. How this happens depends on its internal resources: someone becomes aggressive, someone closes, someone sick - because the whole family "united around a sick child. In such cases, family therapy or individual therapy at least one of the parents, emphasizes the psychologist - not counting the work with the child himself.
If the parents refuse to therapy
What if a parent agrees to undergo treatment, and second strongly against? This situation is not uncommon, confirms Elena Morozova.
"Most often, Dad refuses, saying," We have grown without this, do not do anything, everything will be solved by itself. " She recalls how four o'clock spoke with his father, whose daughter was in critical condition due to anorexia: "At first, he denied everything, indignant, but began to listen, and in the end we came across a couple of hours to ensure that he will not condemn and blame the daughter, and tries to maintain. And it really helped her. "
If the child is in a toxic environment, the main task - to help him maintain a healthy part of the psyche
The hardest thing when one of the parents is not ready to recognize problems and to engage in therapy. Could then a psychologist work with the child alone? Olga Yegorova confesses that her long tormented by the question. "After all, no matter what I did, every time the child returns to the family, where nothing has changed, and is faced with the same difficulties. Do all the efforts in the sand go? Once the workshop of the famous American psychotherapist Lynn Stadler, I asked her this question. " She replied that believes it is possible to work only with the kids when they get no contact with their parents: "If the child is in a toxic environment and he has behavioral difficulties, it is closed, aggressive, anxious, my task - to help him maintain a healthy part of the psyche" .
Olga Egorova follows suit, but never give up hope to choose the approach and the parent: "As a rule, the child gives mom and I try at least in those few minutes, when it comes and goes, talk about how the child is changing, or to say that it will support. And it happens that after some time, sometimes a few months later, the parents still change its position and agree to therapy. And then, of course, the whole family becomes a lot easier. "