7 signs that you are not ready to be friends with the former
"Even if you are able to become friends after breaking up (and this option is not for everyone), it is better not to hurry with this", - says Susan J. Elliott, author of the book "How to survive a break.". She advises relations after a break of at least six months before you think about friendship. The duration of the pause depends on the couple, relationship and circumstances of separation.
"You need a break from each other and enter into a new role of a free man. You will need time and distance, to experience the mountain gap. Even if you broke up peacefully, all need time to deal with their feelings, "- says Elliot.
Some make great friends with the former. But if you have such a prospect does not appeal to, that's okay too. If your partner treat you badly or were dysfunctional relationship, it is best not to try to stay friends, no good it will not end.
If you decide to try to continue the dialogue, how do you know that you are ready for it? Here are 7 signs that show that too early to think about it.
1. You have remained offense or unhealed wounds
The consequences of the gap can not be overcome in a day. It takes time to experience this grief. It is important not to suppress emotions, and allow yourself to feel all: sadness, resentment, rejection, hurt. If you are not fully dealt with emotions, then, most likely, it is not yet ready to be friends with an ex-partner.
You can try to keep a diary in order to clarify and express thoughts and feelings
"After the break naturally feel pain, anger or other difficult emotions. But you will not be able to discuss it with him, because the former relationship and never will be, "- says psychotherapist in San Francisco Kathleen Dalen de Vos. Try first to understand their feelings. "If you need support, can help the therapist or the faithful and impartial one. Or you can, for example, try to keep a diary in order to clarify and express thoughts and feelings, "- she recommends.
2. You still can not speak calmly about the former partner
If every time when it comes to the former, you are allowed into the monologue or start to cry, it is a sign that you are not ready to be friends.
"Maybe you avoid feelings and their grief or still constantly think about him / her. When the sad emotions will be fully experienced, you will be able to talk about the relationship quietly. Before you become friends, it is important to understand what lessons you have learned, and which mistakes ", - says psychotherapist Tina from California Tessin.
3. The very thought that he was seeing someone, you feel uneasy
Among friends it is perfectly normal to discuss what is happening in the life of everyone, including those in private life. If you become ill, you represent former or ex with someone else, it may interfere with true friendship. "Friends tell each other, with someone there. If you still hurts to hear about it, you're obviously not ready for this ", - says Tina Tessin.
De Vos proposes to pass a little test. Imagine that you are sitting with a former partner in the cafe and see a notice on his phone - a match is found in the annex to Me. What do you feel? Nothing? Irritation? Sadness?
"Friends support each other in real-life challenges and trials. If you are not prepared for the fact that the former (the former) will talk about the new partner, it is better to postpone the joint campaign in a cafe, "- says Kathleen Dalen de Vos.
4. You represent that you are together again
Ask yourself why you want to be friends with your ex-partner. Maybe looking at heart to return to a relationship? If so, do not yet try to become friends. This may interfere put the past behind and move on.
"It is almost impossible to establish healthy friendships when you have hidden selfish motives. You only risk making yourself even harder. It is better to think about what you are missing, which gave a loving relationship than you can replace it, "- advises the therapist from Chicago Anna Poss.
Kathleen Dalen de Vos also emphasizes that the desire to become friends in the secret hope of ever again become lovers - a very unhealthy idea. You think, "If we again begin to chat and go somewhere together, he / she will regret parting" or "we will be able to rekindle the love extinct." Unfortunately, the more likely such hopes will bring only pain, frustration, and resentment.
5. You alone
If after the break you suffer loneliness, you may want to maintain at least some contact - even just a friendly.
Often after a breakup there is an excess of free time, especially if you previously lived together and circle of friends consisted mainly of friends and relatives of the partner. Now, when you became lonely, you may be tempted to re-establish contact with him under the pretext of friendship.
Do not make friends with the former only to monitor what is going on in his life
"The opportunity to return to the old and familiar way of life, at the same time convincing yourself that you are" just friends ", it seems very tempting. It briefly consolation, but can lead to the fact that once again begin fickle love relationship. It is fraught with even greater mutual misunderstanding, uncertainty, and ultimately - deep dissatisfaction ", - says clinical psychologist from Atlanta Zainab Delavalla. Other methods suitable for the struggle with loneliness. Remember old hobbies, go somewhere with relatives or sign up as a volunteer in charities.
6. All the time you are looking for information about the former / ex
If you have a compulsive need to always check for updates in Instagram former partner to know where he is and with whom you are not ready to be friends.
"If you want to know the details of the life of the former / the former, but not ready to ask directly, you probably have remained an internal conflict or you are simply not ready to accept the fact that he now lives his life" - says Kathleen Dalen de Vos.
7. Do you expect that the former partner will be the way you always wanted it to
It is not necessary to be friends with the former only to monitor what is going on in his life, secretly hoping that it will magically change. This is an unhealthy behavior and a waste of time.
"If you broke up because of the incompatibility of characters or serious problems (alcoholism, infidelity, gambling), it is hardly possible to hope for significant changes. In addition, trying to restore the previous partner, you miss the opportunity to get acquainted with someone else, "- says Delavalla.
Source: Huffington Post