Stop being angry at her parents ...
The main ideas of
- They are not perfect: the parents - ordinary people who gave us love as much as we could.
- We are not obliged to justify their expectations ... as they do not perform all of our desires.
- Taking their parents, we are able to live in peace with ourselves.
It would seem that we have long since grown, built adulthood and even themselves become parents. But are we up to the end we managed to deal with long-standing children's grievances that so often disturb our relations with the people closest to us?
"I have a wonderful mother - says 37-year-old Julia. - She loves me, cares about me to be happy. And I do not understand why I was offended and sometimes really hurts even the trifling criticism of her. It seems a common concern: "straighten your back, you slouch!" Or "it's time to have your hair cut!" - and I'm back I can not help it. Breaks down, screaming at her ... I want to be left alone, given the opportunity to live the way I want. But the result is that I hurt her and this constantly feel guilty ... "
Anyone, even the most ordinary gesture, casual look or a word of parents have a special meaning for us. And many familiar resentment, frustration, anger ... These feelings are the stronger, the deeper our affection and love.
"Pain - the wrong side of love - says family therapist Barbara Sidorova. - And in a relationship with my parents this duality of feeling is particularly strong. No matter how much we may be years, from them we are waiting for attention, support and hope that they will accept us as we are. "
For the first time we are "disappointed" in his parents very early. Already in 3-4 years, every child starts unconscious "counting" what adult nedodali he had missed what could not. Children analysts even believe: more attention to the child draws something (as it seems) he was deprived than the fact that he was given. Why do we fix on what we lack? "It is an existential doubt, - says family therapist Nicole Prieur. - All children are unconsciously looking for the answer to the question: Is it important for my existence to you, Mom and Dad? After all, in order to grow, you need to know if you can trust the parents, is it possible to rely on them. "
Particularly acute, this problem occurs whenever a significant event in the life of a family: the birth of a sibling, divorce of parents, step-parent appearance ... "But no matter what our parents did, they will never be able to live up to all expectations - emphasizes Nicole Prieur. - They will never be able to completely satisfy all of our needs. "
Hence, this unconscious resentment: they did not give us what we so wished. "This feeling affects the rest of his life - says family therapist Ina Khamitov. - receive less love, care, affection, we may feel a failure in the world, lack of confidence and, most likely, will blame the parents and try to change them. "
But there are those who argue that the bitterness in their relationship with parents there - only the joy and warmth of communication. What is the secret of such families?
"If the parents were able to give the child a sense of security of the world, a clear understanding of the boundaries - that is good, what is bad, that it is possible, it is impossible that he is already in force, and what is not, and put it into an independent life, claims and grievances had not remains - says Inna Khamitov. - And their relationship as they mature gradually develop into a partnership, friendship. This does not mean that these parents do not make mistakes (it does not happen, nobody is perfect), it is important that in such a family, the general vector of relations is positive, and parents see a child's self-identity, rather than its continuation. "
"My father is not obliged to admire only me"
"I've always been proud of my dad: smart, talented, charming, - says 43-year-old Xenia. - He's a mathematician, so in high school parents, I was transferred to the Physics and Mathematics boarding. I went to study and then easily entered the university, defended the candidate, got married ... each take in the life of the height in mind, I "devoted" Dad, I really hoped that he would be proud of me.
All these years, with the parents we met infrequently, and two years ago, my husband and the kids decided to go back to my hometown. Parents at this time retired, moved to live in the country. And it is very good friends with the neighbors - a young couple, post-graduate students of the Institute of my father.
And suddenly I began to catch myself on the fact that ... I just infuriates my father smiles of her neighbor Kate joked with her, says the compliments. I was tormented by shame, irritation, anger ... I do not understand where these feelings come from. Do me a mother of two children, an adult female, swept blind sibling rivalry? It was very stupid, but I felt that I had been betrayed. After all, I do not blame that so soon left home! Mom and Dad have gone to learn from me, and now friends with Vanya and Katya, drink tea with them in the evenings - with them and not with me ...
Perhaps a month I "chewed" their grievances. Until one day he asked himself: what do you, do you want to stay and hurt a little girl who did not get on the holiday of sweets? This image somehow reassured me. My father is not obliged to admire me exclusively. Me and most have something to praise himself. "
to lay down arms and stop conflict
"We have to defend their positions - is confident the 42-year-old Inna. - My mother had little interest in me, and now I see the same indifference to my daughter. Why should I put up with it? "Heaping on his anger parents, Inna tries to get his change its imperfect mother. Varvara Sidorov said that in such cases, it is responsible to the client: "You are trying to" get "from the mother's love that she did not give you for your 30 (40, 50) years. Why do you think that now it suddenly happen? Important for you to learn how to live without her mother's love. "
Parents, like all of us, it is difficult to recognize its imperfections, consents Inna Khamitov: "It is unlikely that in response to your adult child claims a mother or father would say: I understand, I'm sorry. After admitting guilt, they thus devalue their lives, and defensively, can preserve self-esteem. "
Does this mean that understanding is never achieved? Not at all, our experts say. "The only way - to lay down their arms, to stop conflict and come to terms with the fact that parents are imperfect - says Inna Khamitov. - What mother or father-not all-powerful deity, but not villains and ordinary people with their weaknesses and problems. They gave us so much love as they could. Mother worked hard and did not tell bedtime stories? It is believed that the main thing - to feed, clothe, put on shoes? Well then, here is a language of love she had! The parents themselves were inexperienced (as we are) and lived as best they could. No one has done nothing wrong. "
Also, we need to take that parent's family will never be able to give us absolutely everything we need: happiness, satisfaction, well-being. "Growing up, we are looking for other people who meet these needs, - friends, partners, colleagues, associates, - emphasizes Barbara Sidorova. - We have come to that, to say to yourself: I myself can give myself what I was missing. "
The world needs nothing we
But why it is so difficult to accept this idea? "Because it is much easier to blame the parents for their mistakes than to take responsibility for their lives," - says Barbara Sidorova. On the way to adulthood we go through three stages. First - this is the position of children when we live in a passive expectation that we get something from others.
The second - an adolescent's position, which makes the parents claim settles scores, requires what he owed. And many get stuck at this point. Staying in the years dependent on others, they need from friends, loved ones what they nedodali parents. And wrong, because the partner will never be able to love them as a father, lover can not be exactly the same caring as a mother. That other people and other relationships.
"Man, dependent on others, not to rely on inside himself, he does not feel a rod does not feel their identity, self, - says Inna Khamitov. - Dependence on the opinions and actions of others speaks of human immaturity. "
To grow, it is necessary to recognize that we will never be able to "get the bills."
The third stage on the way of growing up is to accept the fact that transmitted, and is received, cease to be offended by their parents, and say to yourself: "Well, no matter what I did, I do not see this affectionate look, do not feel the support and the recognition of which I dreamed. " If we manage to cope with your feelings at this moment, we will feel the true liberation.
Find your way
But that is not enough to really become an adult. The unconscious is not only to preserve the memory of the offense, but also absorbed parental expectations, the "mission impossible" if they were expressed aloud or not, "Mom could not become a pianist, now I have to realize her dream!", "I must everywhere be first, to dad proud of me! ".
"Rare parents are not projected on the child's expectations, suggesting that they know how better for him - confirms Irina Khamitov. - But this, of course, an illusion. Each person must find their own way for himself. " We grow up under the weight of parental expectations, and even if a teenager protesting against them, we still do not have enough strength to get rid of them. And only by 25-30 years we feel that surrender all parental "examinations" Five will not work. So, we will not fulfill their desires, disobey them. It is difficult to recognize it and allow yourself to move on. But this is the last step on a path that allows you to be yourself. Those who makes decisions and is responsible for his life.
"For those who grew up in Russia, it is particularly difficult - says Barbara Sidorova. - Children are often produced two contradictory messages: "You - the center of the world" and "you are full of shortcomings." And because I, the Almighty, not call up the desired height, there is a strong sense of guilt. "
But my parents took us to this world is not for us to meet their expectations. If, as adults, we still continue to prove something to them, then we do not live their lives, we do not achieve their goals. "It is necessary to listen to their opinion, - Inna advises Khamitov. - I do not trust people - not because of you, so that my father said? I'm afraid of men who "only one and it is necessary" - is it not my mother's words? It is important to understand whose voices are heard in our minds what we want ourselves, where is our way. "
We should not delude ourselves: if we act contrary to their parents only in order to prove to them their wrong, we still depend on them. This is the same relationship, but with the opposite sign. "Only when the soul is not a protest, resentment, anger, guilt, so we were able to separate from their parents and have really become adults," - says Inna Khamitov.
Learn family history of
"Understand, therefore, to forgive their parents helps interest in family history, - says Inna Khamitov. - It is necessary to find out: the mother grew up in what conditions? As it was brought up as she was treated as a child? It's not about how to "translate arrows" at the grandparents and the mother justify. It is important to see and understand the whole family context. Think: why are women such men, such marriages were in the family? The next step - to look at the family history in the context of the country's history. Maybe ancestors dispossessed and exiled, and all their energies were only to have to survive? Hence it could be, for example, stiffness and severity that is transmitted and the next generations. Or maybe, when his mother was born, my grandmother received a death on his grandfather - and the girl did not have enough attention, joy and warmth.
When we learn and analyze details such life painting acquires volume ambiguity. And it is not possible black-and-white evaluation: bad - good, good - evil. We will see the complex of people, with his difficult life, which is meaningless to blame. "
Take their choice
And yet, we have received a lot from them and feel that they owe. To what extent can we afford to disloyalty? "It takes time to recognize that this man is not perfect - but I love him - said Barbara Sidorova. - And even more difficult to accept the fact that we have both love and anger (all, of course, in different proportions). It is easier to see only one color, I love him and I hate him. "
Opening the vulnerability of their parents, we often feel frightened and sharper than guilt. Sometimes the adult children come to a standstill, trying to save their parents - to bring his mother from depression, cure alcoholic father ... even against their will. And suffer when nothing comes of it.
"To help you need, when parents are willing to accept this aid, - says Barbara Sidorova. - It's not just me - adult independent person, but my mother - adult independent person. And it has the right to make a choice that I did not like. In particular, no matter how scary it sounds, and destroy itself. " Love is not all-powerful: we can not force "to drive them in happiness." Respect their parents - this means taking their conscious and unconscious choices. Only after passing this difficult path of growing up, we get the most important bonus - a profound reconciliation with parents and themselves, new strength to continue to go its own way.