Parents also cry: why children useful to see our tears
In the past year, the Internet was actively discussed the story of an Australian blogger Constance Hall. Here is what she wrote in her blog: "Over the weekend we children watched a very sad documentary. My daughter and I could not hold back the tears, and his son, noticing this, we hugged and patted on the back, trying to do something to help. I realized that my children are perfectly normal to react to the development of a natural human emotion. Their appearance does not injure the weeping mothers, they are willing to support it, realizing that all of this - a part of life.
The child is aware that he is safe, despite the fact that parents also can sometimes show weakness, and it is very important to him. And if we are not able to support each other in difficult times, which all of us to use? "Several experts agreed to tell us why it is useful for children to see parents crying, and give some tips on how best to behave in such situations.
Show the children that emotions are normal
"If a child sees a parent or other close adults cry in certain situations, it shows him to express his feelings is normal and natural," - says psychologist Tammy Lewis Wilborn.
To raise a child with high emotional intelligence, it is important to teach him what to show your feelings - this is normal. If tears are caused by the parents of some situation that affects both children (for example, the death of his grandfather or grandmother), then giving them the opportunity to see their grief, the parents help the children understand that now is difficult to everybody and not only to them.
"Because children have as yet little experience of life, often any thoughts or feelings cause them discomfort," And is this normal? Maybe with me that something is wrong? Why am I so sad? Why do I feel (something) out of the (something) ", - says Wilborn. Experiencing grief with their parents, the children realize that their grief is perfectly normal, and learn to cope with the heavy emotions, producing psychological stability. In addition, when children see their parents crying, it helps them realize that mom and dad are the same people, like everyone else, and that adults can also be sad, and that's fine.
Tell them that you'll be alright
"Children may be frightened and do not understand what is happening, he saw that the parents very upset. Therefore, it is important to explain to them (because of their age), what you have experienced an emotional moment, but you're all right, and everything will be fine in the future ", - advises child psychologist Gillian Roberts.
The task of parents - to explain the situation to children, to let them know that they have nothing to fear and that unpleasant experiences can be discussed freely.
"Talking to children about our own experiences and how we learned to control them, we are also teaching them critical life skills and show that they too can talk about their experiences, which is very useful. Such discussions strengthen the connection between parent and child, "- says Gillian Roberts.
It is important that parents, explaining the reason for their tears and assuring that everything will be fine, then asked directly what he feels.
"Ask your child:" When you see that Mom (or Dad) is crying, how do you feel? This will give him more opportunity to talk about their experiences, "- advises Tammy Wilborn.
Consider the child's age
Explaining the reason for your baby crying, consider his age and level of development, do not overload it unnecessary information that may scare him and to deny a sense of stability and security.
"Sometimes the situation that caused the adult tears, is that it is impossible to explain to her child just because of their age - or it is too difficult or too hard. But it is important even in general terms to explain the context to give the child to understand that he did not do anything ", - says Tammy Wilborn. "Most parents do not want to discuss with the children some of the themes from the best of intentions - they do not want to show them the dark and scary side of life. The problem is that the children fill these gaps fruits of their imagination. As a result, children lack the information to understand what they see, they are scared and feel the same stress, from which they were trying to keep the older, "- explains Wilborn.
Yes, do not necessarily tell the child: "We will soon be taken away for the debts of the house", but it is possible, for example, say: "I know you often see my father cry. Now just a difficult period, but then it is bound to be good. "
Discuss feelings useful not only girls but also boys
"Nobody needs to ask permission to feel emotions and to respect their own experiences," - says Gillian Roberts. According to her, many families and cultures, it is assumed that the manifestations of emotions - it is something shameful. These negative messages particularly strong impact on boys and young men.
"We cause considerable harm to the boys, suggesting to them that the only feeling that they are allowed to experience and express this anger. The boy's parents it is important to always pay attention to the emotional experiences of their children and explain to them that they have every right to feel any feelings, "- says Roberts.
Try not to cry in front of children too often
Yes, children, it is sometimes useful to see that parents are crying, but it is not desirable that this happened too often. If the kids are constantly watch adult tears, they may think that there is something very serious.
"Seeing parental tears, the child may feel guilty, because he wants to help, but because of their age do not know how to do it. He may feel helpless, thinking: "What am I to do? How to stop it, "In addition, he was afraid:" What does it all mean? What will happen to my mom (or dad)? What will become of me? "
does not show too violent emotions
Whether or not to allow himself to cry in the presence of a child? Gillian Roberts believes that it does not matter how often this happens, but how intense your emotions that have to watch the baby. "If you do every day before our eyes shed tears, when you see an advertisement with a sad story, there is nothing to worry about. Seeing this, your child understands that you truly show their emotions, while perfectly controlling himself.
But if you shake the inconsolable screaming or other obvious signs of severe emotional stress, it is better to apologize and leave the room. Kind of parents who have lost control of himself, can really frighten the child. "
Of course, to protect children from the unpleasant spectacle is not always possible. Sometimes they inadvertently witness the manifestations of violent, uncontrolled parental emotions (for example, if all of a sudden there was a kind of trouble). Yet Gillian Roberts advises to do everything possible to avoid it.