All is good, but there is no happiness
The main ideas
- Guilt keeps us from enjoying life and causes to give up pleasures.
- A sense of dissatisfaction may be the first step to an important question: "Who am I? What is the meaning of my life? "
- The way each of us to happiness is as unique as our personalities.
"My husband, healthy children, favorite job, a comfortable home, enough money. But to live a burden to me. I do not know how to feel happy, "- wrote a visitor of our website. Another, a mother of three children, thinks: "Why can not I be happy? Because of the monotony? Or because I always want something more? "
The inability to feel happiness - so you can determine the state, which affects many of our contemporaries. They talk about it with friends and therapists, writing on Internet forums. What is the reason?
The history of each unique, but the feeling of guilt that prevents enjoy life, almost always comes from childhood. Perhaps it is this feeling spoiled the lives of many, causing them to deprive themselves of rest and give up pleasures.
"Most often it occurs in unwanted children, or those to whom the adult imposes very high demands - explains Inna Shifanova family psychologist. - Such children feel superfluous, guilty that were born. They are trying to atone for this guilt complaisance nonexistent or imperceptible. Hoping to gain the approval they will not allow themselves to take care of their own welfare and live for others. Gradually, they lose the ability to recognize their desires. Whatever they may reach the tops, they can not be happy. "
Inability to be happy is often found in children of depressed parents. Father and mother, who see the world through dark glasses, convey this property to children with dark regulations and superstition: "Do not rejoice, not to envy," "Who today laughing, what tomorrow will have to cry."
When our thoughts are constantly occupied strangers suffering, it is not talking so much about our heightened empathy, but rather the hidden pain
In such families, the house always threatens to fire the car - an accident, and loved ones - disease and unhappiness. Children who grow up in an oppressive atmosphere, accustomed to blame themselves for the expression of joy that look out of place against the backdrop of gray everyday life.
Our culture is permeated by Christian values, such as the abandonment of selfishness, compassion, love of neighbor, the feeling of your own imperfections. Lying on the ground, prepared bleak childhood, they take extreme forms and turn into a ban on subjective well-being.
"Every day I see people suffer. And I do not feel entitled to be happy, when there are so many accidents! "- admits 32-year-old Sofia. Even if it does not interfere with their grief in reality TV shows every day she refugees in Europe, the starving in Africa ... But do we help them, forbidding myself to enjoy life?
"When our thoughts are constantly busy suffering strangers, especially those in which we can not really help, it is not talking so much about our heightened empathy, but rather the hidden pain - explains psychologist Elena Ulitova. - Due to the mechanism of psychological projection of our attention in the outside world chooses what is consonant with our unconscious feelings. "
Effective helping others really is capable of some time to improve our well-being. But it is useful to allow themselves and seek help, including psychological, and take it. And remember, that happiness is not one restricted and redistributed resources. Renouncing his own happiness, we do not increase the amount in the world and reduce!
In search of the meaning of
Does this mean that the guilt and inability to feel happy - just unpleasant personal characteristics, from which should get rid of, and immediately? Not always. To get started on them is worth considering, says the therapist, sophrology Marite Kushvelu. Complaints "I'm fine, but there is no happiness," "I'm not happy, but I have everything to be happy" may be the first step to the question: "Who am I? What really do I need? "The inner dissatisfaction, which they suggest could be the beginning of a more mature attitude.
The world encourages us to think, "If I have everything on the list: house, villa, car, family, children, work, then I have everything to be happy." But this can be a little, and not because we are voracious and finicky.
"Having a roof over your head, there's plenty, do not fear for their lives - our basic needs, and happiness - a question of internal aspirations, - emphasizes the analyst Virginie Meggle. "He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth" - talking about the beautiful and the child's ability. But make no mistake, says the analyst, "is a way for parents to say he's got absolutely everything you need, it is nothing to complain about. That is, he has no right to complain. "
The modern world is built by adults, who in their youth have gone through hardship, hunger and fear
Having absorbed this approach, the child will grow up with the idea that it really is "all" for happiness, and would feel guilty if he is unhappy. Until that day, they have not recognized that he really may want something more than it has. And then he turned to his inner "I" and sees that give meaning to his life can only be something unique, that is necessary for him.
Select the direction of
The modern world is built by adults, who in their youth have gone through hardship, hunger and fear. It is therefore natural that they want to protect from that of their children and grandchildren, and sincerely believe that material prosperity - the main condition for happiness. But is it enough?
In pursuit of its various advantages, we often forget to ask ourselves how they are valuable to us. "We endlessly acquire, and in the end" it all ends mess: cat, baby, motorcycle, caravan, latest smartphone, the vital and secondary needs, all mixed up - continues Virginie Meggle. - But the abundance of goods can not in itself be a source of joy. My cabinets can burst with clothes, but I still will not know how to dress to please yourself. "
The dependence of the life satisfaction of material security is non-linear, Dmitry Leontiev emphasizes the psychologist. "Of course, distress, hunger and cold, you can hardly feel happy. But when the basic needs are satisfied, the level of happiness is no longer materially dependent on welfare. In multimillionaires compared to middle-class life satisfaction index is only slightly higher. Therefore, the question of whether we are happier doubling of GDP, the answer is no, "do - says the psychologist.
How do we find our own way? If we turn for help, attend lectures or classes on personal development, we outline a general direction only. Philosophy, for example, calls us to rejoice that we have. But that is what is most difficult.
"With respect to the happiness we are in unequal conditions"
Roland Juva, psychotherapist
Are all equally able to experience happiness? Our attitude to happiness is different as well as our life stories and lessons learned. The ability to experience happiness - is the ability of the biological. On the one hand, it is innate - written in the genes, on the other - the acquisition, particularly in early childhood. Mother's warm, friendly relations within the family, social and cultural inclusion enrich us, and neglect, on the other hand, deprives the body of adaptation mechanisms and the ability to experience happiness. Biology and psychology are intertwined very closely.
What happens in the brain of a happy man?
First of all, "encouraging mechanism" is triggered: activated areas of the brain that are responsible in particular for the release of dopamine, the pleasure hormone. In mammals, this mechanism is driven by satisfaction of basic needs (thirst, hunger, procreation ...) and people can activate it by thought. The mere mention of a pleasant makes us feel pleasure in the neurobiological level. Perhaps this is the ability to be happy.
good habit to
Unfortunately, the mind gets used to the fact that until recently gave a live pleasure - a phenomenon that psychologists call hedonic adaptation. We get used to the fact that all is well. Even the strongest pleasure of meeting with a man or woman of your life after a while cease to be so sharp. Psychologically we are not created to experience eternal happiness.
Is it possible to fight the hedonic adaptation? Some experts in positive psychology suggest avoiding routine, monotony, diversify our classes, as well as remembering that we did not always have what possess, and we can lose it. Glass that we see as half empty, it is necessary, in their view, be considered as half full. But someone more comfortable with a half-empty glass - there is sobriety of thought and unwillingness to give up. However, there is a third approach: "It is not, full or empty glass, - Dmitry Leontyev sure - but the fact that we have the ability to fill it." For happiness, we are inspired by recipes that come to others, they were to be effective. But we will never become happy by simply copying them. "Universal solutions, how to be happy, do not exist, - Mrs. Virginie Meggle. - So my advice is this: you can experience dozens of times, and dismiss the different theories and approaches, it is important that in the end we picked up his own recipe for happiness. "
Books in the subject
"Flow: The Psychology of optimal experience" Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
One of the most popular books on happiness, translated into 30 languages. Author - psychologist, Director of the Research Center of quality of life, Claremont Graduate University (USA), the author of the concept of "flow" - a special status, which is experiencing a creative person in the course of solving the problem, and which is accompanied by joy and tidal energy. Flow property is not selected, each of us can achieve it (Alpina non-fiction, 2015).