Suspect of treason
Three happy year 28-year-old Daria lived with George until he noticed that his mood had changed: "It has become more than sad, silent. One day he left his post on the computer open, and I could not resist and looked. There have been a number of letters from a woman with whom he works. But we are in them was not about the work: "My favorite!", "How I missed you!" "I remember your scent." I turned everything inside. "
Daria is not sure whether or not to talk about his discovery George. In contrast, 43-year-old Tatiana decided to ask a direct question to her husband ... and get an answer. But it is not added peace of mind.
"Anton and I are married for 15 years - she said. - He was having an affair, and six months ago, he told me about it. And he announced that now it's all over. But there are reports, rang out in the morning or at night. To answer, he goes into the other room. When I asked what was happening, he was angry and began to shout: "You're too suspicious!" Aside from these episodes, life goes on, the two of us recently went to sea. But I will not let anxiety. "
Faced with the proposed changes, we find ourselves in a situation where it is necessary to make decisions in three areas: we need to do something with them, with the partner and the relationship as a couple. Let's try to figure out these issues with experts. But before you decide what to do, see what happens.
What's happening to me?
Suspecting partner in treason, women often experience a heightened state of anxiety and insecurity. "It's easy to explain - says family therapist Elena Ulitova - because when we love and are loved, we feel protected, we have a sense of the merger, the inseparability of the illusion that the other - our second" I ". Suspicions of infidelity reveal that this is not so: the other has its own, distinct from our feelings and aspirations. They can not only with our not match, but also to contradict them.
"The confusion is enhanced because almost all have assimilated from childhood belief:" You can not change, "- continues the therapist. - But we find that the reality is contrary to our concept: "no" - and yet happened. You have to change not only the relation to the partner, but also an attitude to life in general. Sometimes there is a feeling that the familiar world collapsed. "
So first of all beneficial to restore your inner balance. Then we have a chance not to follow the momentary impulse, as later we might regret, and act carefully, keeping respect for yourself and your partner.
3 steps to help themselves
1. Take your anxiety without trying to suppress it. "Do not tell yourself (and also listen to such advice):" Calm down, be still nervous, pull yourself together, "- emphasizes the psychologist Catherine Murashova. - Are you worried and doing the right thing. After all, you feel stress, and stress - this adaptation response, it helps to adapt to new conditions. "
2. Recognize that the conditions have changed. Regardless of whether cheating took place in reality, your feelings, thoughts, attitude towards yourself and your partner have changed.
"Recognizing that the past will not return, may be painful, but it is necessary - insists therapist Elena Ulitova. - only to recognize the present, you can move into the future. Otherwise, we were drawn away from reality and immerse themselves in the fantasy. " And fantasy is not always pleasant.
"A lot of women tend to take the blame for the betrayal of a partner and build a" logical "chain: change - so do not like and just do not like, then, to me that something is wrong. This logic - derived from the unconscious perfectionism ( "I must be perfect") and the control of desire ( "I can control the behavior of others, especially your partner"). " 3. To strengthen its independence. "Repeat to yourself," I'm all right, no matter what does and feels my partner ", - Elena recommends Ulitova. - It is useful to recall all their interests that lie outside of marriage, business and friendships, hobbies, sports and charity, to realize their separateness, integrity and independent value. "
Having these three steps, you can move on to the action plan. This plan allows us to make constructive use of emotional energy, directing it to the formulation and solution of problems. Otherwise, we would have risked the fact that this energy becomes destructive, resulting in the unreasonable outbursts of anger or depression, jeopardizing our relationship and health.
"It is best to think about their actions in a place where no one is hurt and we can focus on. Suitable quiet, shaded from the bright light room. Then you can sit down (or stand up, lie down - as you prefer) and carefully and thoroughly analyze their desires and aspirations, - advises family and age psychologist Catherine Murashova. - Try to understand, what exactly do you expect from the relationship with the partner.
The answer is "want everyone to always remain as" must be immediately discarded as unrealistic. Fits any other measured response: "I want him to marry me," "I want, that we with him have left for permanent residence in Brazil," "I want a baby from him", "I want for us to be again interesting together as when -So, "" I want a lot of years to be the most desirable for him. "
From here you can move on to develop a specific program of action. If you want the child - Quit smoking and examining doctor. If you relocate to Brazil - start the paperwork. If it is about women's desire - can be read on the internet that now all is on this subject, and to estimate the financial capabilities. "
What happens to him?
"The suspicion of treason always causes suffering, and the power of feelings is not always possible to understand that the partner is also going through a difficult period", - thinks Elena Ulitova. As a rule, women are interested in series of events: whether cheating was actually?
Search for "compromising" only takes the mind, energy and time are needed for more important things
"But this attitude alienates partners of each other, making one of them from a participant in the dialogue in the subject of research. It may be useful to pay attention to the feelings of another: most likely, he feels a sense of guilt, fears and doubts of various kinds. " Restoring emotional balance and ceased to torment yourself, it is easier to treat the partner with.
What to do
Darya said: "I do not want to admit to George that I read his mail. And I'm not sure that frankness will improve our relationship. " To doubt there are reasons, said Elena Ulitova: "Men often become isolated, moving away from the conversation, and a woman is experiencing an even greater sense of loneliness. And if the conversation takes place, it started with the best of intentions, it is often converted into a stream of recrimination. hostility "is set in the result between the partners.
Before proceeding to the conversation, it is important to clarify for themselves two questions, says Catherine Murashova: "What did you want to talk - if he has any other, that he had with his secretary? First, ask yourself, and this contributes to the direction of the relationship that you have considered? If so, say. If not, do not tell. It may be better to talk about kayaking - once you are fond of hiking together. "
But tracing the contacts of the partner in the social networks, eavesdropping at the door, or search for "compromising" experts advise to stop: "It only takes away the mind, energy and time are needed for more important things."
What happens to the couple?
Treason, real or perceived, indicates that the pair is going through a crisis. "The partnership - a complex organized system - pocherkivaet Elena Ulitova. - Each of the participants changes over time, and in view of this it is impossible to expect that the relationship will remain smooth and constant. In this case, inside the couple and around different events occur: children are born, grow old relatives, changing economic situation ... For each event it is necessary to re-adjust, which requires energy. "
Even taking a decision, we should not discuss the alleged treason to stop talking about anything else
Sometimes this energy feeding one partner receives from the outside, one of its forms - new sexual or emotional distress. Treason - a sign of urgent changes. This way of thinking will allow a better understanding of what is happening.
How do I change the relationship
The two people who decide to live together, for sure there is a common desire, values, and goals. Some of them (for example, the birth of children) will eventually be achieved, and there will be new. What are they? What unites us with a partner that we value in it, and our couple? Calm conversation about this would help strengthen mutual goodwill and understanding, based on that, if we want to continue the relationship.
Even if we decided not to discuss the alleged betrayal of a partner, we do not stop to talk about anything whatsoever. We can again offer another their support and friendship and to discuss with them the conditions of living together in the future.
"Finding something valuable in partnership that we would like to keep, you can unilaterally decide to continue to live together", - says Elena Ulitova. This is what Tatiana: "Anton and I sleep in separate rooms, but we live together and we try to help each other. He has a difficult character, but I do not want to part with him and start a new life. The more so because we will soon be the granddaughter of which we were both really looking forward to. " Awareness of their independence, caring for partners and reliance on common values in a relationship - it is those guidelines in behavior that can be followed, regardless of whether cheating or confirmed there was only our guess. This is not a guarantee - of such guarantees do not exist - but a prerequisite for the successful preservation and development of relations.
"Triangles suffering" Elena Emel'janovoj
Why are there "love triangles"? He felt every one of his "members"? How to build a new relationship after triangle "open"? Elena Yemelyanov - psychologist Saratov Center for Emergency Psychological Aid - repeatedly helped those who got into a difficult situation, "triangle". Systematizing the experience, she wrote a book, which leads scenarios and ways out of it.