A little about personal boundaries and assertive behavior

At family counseling, I often ask the question a man and a woman, why their partner offends them, yelling at them all the time irritated, what has become of their relationship - and in fact in the beginning everything was different.

In this situation, I talk about personal boundaries.

What is the personal boundaries?

This is your psychological boundary beyond which intrude other people can not. Users must clearly understand how you can not behave. In relationships, men and women, ideally from the beginning you need to build these border.

For example, if your spouse increases the tone for you, then I must say that I do not talk like that.

Usually people will first allow to speak in a raised voice, in exasperation, then allow to cry, and then to close fights.

Many women also resent the fact that men are constantly paying attention to other women, and even flirt with them in front of his second half.

What to do in this case?

Set boundaries initially. Just to say that I do not like it when you pay attention to other women.

And what if it may lead to nothing?

So a second time just to look at the man or go silently to himself realized that violated your boundaries.

A girl usually break on the cry: "I told you not to stare at the women!", And, of course, a man does not respond to the cry, and unconsciously, as a child, I am pleased that it drew so much attention. Also on the need to put the border: "I will not stay after 18.00, I have a family." If you say this boss is initially in a calm, smooth and confident tone, it will not be subsequently constantly attract you to work overtime.

What else helps to set personal boundaries?

Your clear assertive behavior, that is, this behavior when you:

  • honestly and openly talk about his relation to any action or statement of others;
  • keep calm even in difficult situations of conflict;
  • clearly know what you want to achieve and what you need to feel peace and harmony.

What to do if your partner or significant other pounces on you, even if you calmly defended his views on the relationship or business?

It should be easy to take criticism, even if you are used to take offense and start blaming yourself in the shower - you still need to say the flow of thoughts: "STOP!", And said the offensive side: "You may be right, but such a man that I am" or "I I judge myself. "

It is important in the process of communication with others and spouses and hear their point of view, and not just to prove his, but you can still retain your personal boundaries of discomfort and disorders. Usually people who are deeply engaged in study of personal problems and relationships, self-development, behave in different situations, either passively or aggressively. Ie themselves or attack the source, manipulating them, or are afraid of everything - wife, for example, do not express their desires her husband to change something in the relationship, because they are afraid that he will, or are afraid of being branded as a bad wife.

  • The man with assertive behavior is always talking to another person on an equal footing, is not trying to assert themselves at his expense, sees him as a person, as he is, understands that everyone can have their opinion, even if it is not satisfied or do not like.
  • passive, touchy people certainly believe that the partner wanted to intentionally hurt them, to humiliate, but this is only their opinion about the partner, his intentions and point of view can be different.

So I wish you all success in conflict resolution and work on themselves!