We are one or two persons?
"Find your soul mate," "you and me - one unit", "your desires - my wants, my desires - your desires," "we're inseparable," "two boots - a pair of" ...
Each of us has his illusions about the perfect relationship. And one of the most common misconceptions that the pair - is a unified whole, which should not and can not have their own thoughts, desires, purposes other than thoughts and the partner desires, which is to think and feel the same as me .
And a meeting with the differences and differences in a partner, we are experiencing it as a tragedy of his life, each time making sure or doubting the correctness of his choice.
But is it? Is it to be a happy couple, you need to complete a merger with each other?
Thus, each pair passes certain stages of age.
First stage - of a pair, the period of love
At this stage, a communication with each other, which develops trust. And the partners are beginning to experience themselves as a couple. And here are merged with each other, you need at this time to bond formed. This is normal.
But the couple must evolve and move on to another level. And these problems can arise here:
- is one of the partners can not and does not want to come out of this merger, not wanting to part with the illusion that "we are one";
- very rigid boundaries separating the pair from the outside world;
- each come into a relationship with his luggage with his past experience, that it is necessary to adapt in a new relationship;
- the reluctance of one of the partners remain in the merger.
The second phase - separation partner
Infatuation passes, the merger becomes smaller, there are boundaries. This phase of the conflict.
What could happen here?
- The struggle for power,
- the desire to preserve the integrity.
At this stage it is important to master the skills of self-reliance and self-sufficiency, when I stop only to live our relationship, I appear their interests, hobbies. You need to create their own autonomy and accept the autonomy of the partner.
And the most important task - to form the core values and beliefs, "How will it be with us?".
Third stage - the stage of mature pair
At this stage, the acceptance of the other and the difference between the partners, so there is real contact when no illusions about each other, I do not just accept your differences from me, but I respect your opinion, your views, your desires and do not try to remake you under their own ideas. It is here that there is really a pair as a whole. But not one in which there are no boundaries between us and the whole consisting of two equal but different parts. Two personalities, creating their own world.
But to reach this stage, not all couples. Many people get stuck on the first two, and without solving those problems which have on each of them.
And to solve these problems often interfere with the conviction that "we - one." And instead of having to create a harmonious real relationship where there are two separate unique personality, many direct all their energy and effort into it in order to stay in the merger (the psychological language - a confluence).
And then it is a relationship where I'm dependent on others and where my boundaries are erased, when my needs and desires are becoming increasingly inaccessible for me, which means that the chances of them to meet reduced to zero ...