How to talk to a man? Existential look at the relationship in the modern couple.

"How to talk to a man?" -

This question is often heard in the women's requests, asking for help from a psychologist with the difficulty of relations in the pair.

How to find the right words to talk about something very significant to her husband, a close friend, a lover?

"I do not know how to tell him about it," "I'm afraid to tell him that," "I understand, but I can not tell him that." In these words the women heard a huge obstacle, pain, suffering, which paralyze, injected into a stupor numbness.

The difficulties of the men concerning the relationship with the woman, the request of that nature is almost can not be found.

What's the matter?

What is this insurmountable difficulty women to talk to the man with whom she was in a relationship?

Clarifying this difficulty in therapy, we find tremendous fear, which does not allow the woman to communicate openly. The fear that the day to day lives in a relationship and does not give freely, without a hint of something to ask, to express their feelings and thoughts.

"I can tell him that the child needs to buy new shoes. And what I most needed for the winter new down jacket, I can not say. Everyone thought that I will say tomorrow. "

"For a year we live in a civil marriage. I want to talk about the future. I want him to know what will become of us? I do not know how to start the conversation. "

If you read these phrases out of context of client cases, it may seem that the woman sitting in front of me in the client's chair, it's all over dependence on men kept woman or uneducated housewife in shabby coats that have no idea how to make a living.

But there is no and no again. Many times the word about the fear to speak with the man uttered a woman beautiful and well-educated, financially independent (sometimes so much so that they contribute more and material contribution to the budget of the pair). Some insanely large gap between the outer picture of the existence of this woman and her inner world. What's the matter?

Where are the roots of this dissonance?

Without claiming to be the ultimate truth, I want to make some assumptions. I think a great role in this issue played by social traditions, which do not change so quickly.

The image of men as the head of the family breadwinner, on which depends the survival of the family, the representative of power in a patriarchal society is still very tenacious in the modern worldview. The role of men - a sort of peasant-owner, representative of the power, physical strength, which is dangerous to contradict, hovering still in the collective unconscious, not having under itself has no real basis.

But myths are strong. And if I believe in the myth, I want to be protected by a man looking for his power and patronage, then willy-nilly will empower it to power and strength. As to the phrase a woman: "I want to ask what will happen to us?". Besides, to whom it is addressed this question, just right to take over the powers of God. Well, or the President, or at least a little superior. But he is not a god and is unlikely to be once the president ...

But power - a thing attractive. And why it does not assign, once so strongly given. "Ok, I'm just a man, so therefore I must obey and fear."

Probably not by chance that in the nineties and the first decade of zero were so popular trainings for women, teaching the art of "geisha", "goddesses," about how to talk with a man especially seductive voice, know what specific words to get from the man they want. What for? Perhaps to lull his vigilance and thereby protect themselves from the anger and violence. And get what you want - money, protection, status.

Modern young people together in a couple of less and less of the material or social benefits considerations. More trust in their feelings, appreciate in a relationship other - respect, freedom, common interests. But deep-seated beliefs, stereotypes of public consciousness, however, operate. He can slam the door and leave on the sole ground that he is a man. And she can not do something just because a woman. Before you write this article, a small note with the same name I posted on his blog. One man commented:

I did not know that women have a problem with men. I believe that now we women are at a high level of emancipation, in many respects is not inferior to men, and still are, in addition, homemakers. Of women are now dependent on many things, and talk to men they know. But the cost of the past and there will be, everything depends on the education of the person and the level of social adaptation.

I think that comment speaks for itself and confirms all of the above. Where men know that women have difficulty talking to them, if a woman they do not say? Or that would like to say, nor about his fear?

And then all it is: yes, emancipated, do not work less than men, earn a dignified mistress and keeper. And tell him about some of his important needs of some pain for some desired they can not. Because they are afraid.

  • Be careful not to be impaired in their desire: "Why do you need a down jacket, like a recently bought?".
  • They are afraid of being rejected: "I have not thought about starting a family, and about which I need a wife."
  • Be careful not to be injured, "Just you wrong orgasm. You need to solve this. "

How can this be? As this beautiful, intelligent and kind woman be? How to talk when you do not know how to talk to a man?

I see the search for an answer to this question is to look more and more confident on the relationship between a man and a woman not through the prism of gender roles, but to look at the relationship as to the relationship between two people. Although human relations in the true sense of the word, and there is only a relationship between two people. Because only as a human being I feel a sense of pride, respect, dignity or humiliation of rejection.

In a truly human relationships no gender differences. There is just you and me. I - a man and you - man.

How to talk with the man, not knowing how to speak?

When you do not know how to speak with a man, talk to him as a person. Whatever it was, but first and foremost a person.

And for such a conversation we women have to turn to his human nature, not trying to be a "geisha", "goddess" and even "a woman."

After you are a man becomes I -

writes existential philosopher and theologian M. Buber.

refers to men as to you (the same man, but not God, not the leader, the fairy-tale villain), it is possible to be in a relationship on equal terms, without diminishing their dignity and the dignity of another person.