Why it is difficult to say "no"?
We often say "no".
Is it always easy to do this?
People who are not very significant for us, "no" is easier to say, because their feelings and reactions to our words we are concerned is less than the reaction of those who are dear to us.
Unpleasant same feelings when necessary to say "no" to close people are familiar, perhaps, to everyone. Why do they occur?
1. We are afraid that we are with our "no" will not be accepted and rejected, then there will be deprived of love.
If the parents were controlling, demanding, or they had a lot of expectations from the child, we have formed the following settings:
- to love me, I should (en) match the expectations of a stranger;
- to love me I should (en) be comfortable;
- to be loved, I should be a good girl (boy).
The child learns that if he wants to, for example, my mother loved him, he has to be the way she wants it to be. After all, if he said that it is something do not want to do, if recognized, that he that does not like and he does not want to go somewhere - the mother often angry and stopped with him, for example, to talk, that is deprived its my love. Love awkward child is difficult, and not all mothers can not it.
So were born the internal settings, which I wrote. In adulthood, they begin to interfere with such a child to talk openly about their feelings and desires, because it is can someone not like it, and then it will cease to love.
2. We are afraid to hurt another person.
If the mother or someone else in the family did the child responsible for the feelings and states of adults ( "You do not eat porridge, and my mother because of you upset"), it is in adulthood will continue to take responsibility for other people's feelings and feel guilty if someone from his bad decisions and actions. A withstand hard guilt, so it is best to agree, sliding himself than to say "no" and then live with the guilt.
3. We do not understand where are our psychological boundaries, and just do not know that in some matters, we have every right to say "no."
If the family border family members were misled, if the child did not show a child that he has his own personal space, personal things that he has the right to have their own desires, feelings and needs that parents respect, even as an adult man it is difficult to afford it.
It is important to accept that you have the right:
- to put themselves in the first place;
- to ask for help and emotional support;
- to protest against unfair treatment and criticism;
- have their own opinion;
- to make mistakes until you find the right way;
- to allow people to decide their own problems;
- to say "no thank you" and "sorry, no";
- to ignore the advice of others and follow their own path;
- to be alone, even if your friend wants to communicate;
- to feel what you feel, regardless of whether or not understand your feelings surrounding;
- to change its decision or to choose a different mode of action;
- to seek change agreement if it does not suit you.
Understanding and, most importantly, the internal recognition of their rights helps easier to say "no."
4. We are afraid that our "no" will cause the other person's anger and lead to conflict, and we do not know how to deal with this anger.
If a child is seen as a child and adult permanent conflicts remembers how difficult it was in those moments, how was terrible for him, such as his father's anger - as an adult, it will do its utmost to avoid any quarrels even at the cost of suppressing their own needs and desires.
How to learn to say "no"?
- Naladte contact with them, learn to understand yourself, their true feelings and needs. Then you can start very quickly feel the violation of its borders.
In case of violation of borders, even if you breach has not yet realized at once there are unpleasant feelings. First, they are barely visible, and then amplified. If you feel good and be aware of yourself, you can immediately begin to return their borders in place, saying "no" to what is unacceptable for you.
- You will be examined with the settings that you have inside. This is a child we did not choose, what rules to live. Terms of us asked our parents. In adulthood, we have a choice. Those plants, which help us to be happy, we can leave, and those that interfere with - have every right to withdraw or reformulate.
- Love yourself (praise, support, allow yourself to do what you like, and do not force to do something that does not like). To the one who loves himself, love of other people, of course, necessary, but it will not destroy itself in order to get it.
- Learn to see their area of responsibility and recognize what you are responsible for and what - no. Your responsibility - be aware of your feelings and be honest in a relationship. Responsibility of another person - to cope with the feelings that he had at the same time occur. Even if someone does not like our solutions, or hurt, we can continue to follow them.
If the daughter, for example, went to another city to study, for mum separation can be painful. But it is important to follow the daughter of his way, and mother - to cope with their grief and emptiness. This will be organic growth for both of them.
- Give yourself the right to be angry. Work with your anger (learn to recognize their anger and give it out in a safe way for other people). Then the anger of others will not be so terrible for you. You will be able to sustain it and to protect themselves.
We are not only difficult to say "no." We are still hard to take someone else's "no."
Why? According to the same reasons.
- Someone else's "no" is often perceived as a rejection of: "I call her friend in the movie, but she refuses, so she rejects me, because they do not want to go with me." But someone else's "no" - it is simply an expression of the will of another person. It may just not want something to do now, but his love for you anywhere does not disappear.
- We do not give the other person the right to say "no": "I beg you to help, but he does not want to do this for me, and I hurt." Give yourself and others this right, then the word "no" will be just words, just another human decision, not source of anger, pain and resentment.
As Osho said:
If you do not know how to say "no", your "yes" also does not cost anything.
Working with the reasons which prevent us to say "no", we get integrity. We begin to feel better, be aware of their rights and area of responsibility, less dependent on the opinions and feelings of others. And then the quality of life is changing, because our "no" and our "yes" to become real.