How to let go of unhappy love: 7 Steps to convalescence

Why always so painful to give up?

Even if love is gone, and you are like the gap - still hurt.

Shards of broken hearts today is going to:

  • Gestalt therapist family psychologist Anna Nine,
  • to Gestalt therapist family psychologist Konstantin Samorukov,
  • Gestalt therapist, trainer, supervisor of the Moscow Gestalt Institute Tatiana Samorukova-Nozdracheva.

When a loved one goes crashing your identity: you are accustomed to thinking of themselves as "his woman". And if it no longer exists, it is not clear who you are now - you seemed to have destroyed. This is literally "little death." And the main challenge now - to survive.

Step 1: Search for Identity

You are not dead. See this help two simple Gestalt exercises.

Describe yourself

Since you need 10 adjectives that describe your feminine essence (beautiful, slim, smart ...). Many of this exercise is not given immediately, "losing oneself", it is difficult to describe myself. Then try to tell what you like to see yourself - outside, in nature, in the long term. Now re-read! The trick is that describing himself (even fictional), you will not be able to name characteristics that are not in reality. This means that you are.

Feel like

You just need to sit back in a chair and close your eyes. Feet firmly against the floor, the back - to the back of the chair, feel the support. Now breathe slowly (8 breaths per minute), concentrating on the sensations of support - on the feet, hips, back. Usually enough 2-5 minutes to feel your body and recognize its existence.

Step 2: Future Plans

The problem is that, while you were trying to save a relationship, you have not had plans, which would not have appeared a man. Even fitness - in order to please him. Even a meeting with her friends - in order to make him miss.

Now these plans need to rewrite (redraw, to remake the map of desires) ... You need to come up with themselves a brighter future, where your ex is not. In general, there is no man: it is very useful to see how you can be a happy one. Sea, money, cars, airplanes, ballet, chocolate, rescue of seals in the Arctic - Simulate your card desires. And when it is ready, you can invite to a man.

Step 3: Change the priorities

By now, you already feel that you are alive. The most accurate description: "I'm burnt out," "I'm from the ashes", "my world in ruins." This is better than "I'm dead". But the circle of devastation ... We will seek that survived.

Yes, the "female essence" as long as the problem. But let's say you are a good professional. Or a good daughter. Sobachnitsa, Cat Lady, athlete, activist, blogger ... Before parting women spend too much effort to maintain relations, and other spheres of life fall into decay and disrepair. Now you have a good chance to revive them.

But here it is important to prevent the replacement of identity: it is not necessary to replace the man only work or only care about animals. Your task is now to experience many facets - and their lives.

Step 4. Anger

It will cover you without fail - it's okay: you're alive, the emotions come back. The best thing you can do in this state - aggressively and specifically express man all that boiling, close the door behind him (not open, no matter how plaintively asked) and lock it in all social networks. Unfortunately, not everyone has the chance to throw out the aggression on purpose. If the originator of your suffering is already far (and the first you everywhere blocked), then you have depression begins. In fact, depression - is aggression directed at themselves. She needed a way out, otherwise you will self-destruct.

Sometimes glossy magazines and popular psychologists recommend to write letters to the former, but not send them. This does not work! Even rip or trample the letter - it will be easier. But do not hesitate. When the girls in Hollywood movies throw things from the balcony of her boyfriend, cut them into pieces, or a nail scratching his car - it is they protect themselves and their psyche. In an extreme case, stick his picture on a punching bag or make a voodoo doll.

Step 5. Wines

The paradox, but the relationship was toxic, the greater the tendency to show women their idealization. When it extends anger, poor forgotten. And you begin to take the blame for the collapse of relations.

At this stage it is important to rely on reality. Remember the good, of course, is not forbidden. But it is desirable to record those memories. Firstly, as you will quickly become obvious that good was not so much - just the same good moments scroll multiple times in the head. And secondly, you will be able to do preventive maintenance: to every good memories add bad. For example: "He gave me flowers - He flirted with me with others." Yourself you are unlikely to be able to remember all the bad things: not the spirit. It is desirable to find an outsider who was there for you when you have suffered, and remembers everything (psychologist, friend, mom).

Step 6: Return of the senses

When to let go of guilt, it is found that there are positive emotions, and they come from different spheres of life: kittens touches, the finished project is the pride marathon enthralls ... Basically, you are almost ready for a new relationship, but it is important to they do not become a repetition of the old.

It takes conscious work on building their own psychological borders. You need to come up with a new model of behavior and attitudes, different from the former. At this stage, it would be good to get to a therapeutic group. It is on the group rather than the individual consultation to the psychologist: you need is now just a wide range of ideas on possible options for the relationship.

And starting a new romance, you will understand how you can be, and how you can not handle.

Step 7. Recovery

According to the rules of the genre, there ought to write that now you will find a new love. But not a fact! When you become aware of yourself and your boundaries, you may find that the family and the man - not the limit of your dreams: it may be, can not be - your happiness is no longer dependent on him.

If you are interested in the topic and want to learn more to understand how to operate such mechanisms in other mental processes, we invite you to our group.