Border. Where they are and how to find them?

Do we need borders?

The boundaries of every person. The question is not whether we need them (definitely needed!), And what those boundaries.

It is from what we boundaries depends, in any relationship, we will with your loved ones, how we will communicate with the outside world.

If they are rigid and closed, then any attempt to get close to this person will be perceived as a threat, it would seem that the whole world is against me that you can not trust anyone. And, accordingly, there will be a lot of stress and anger directed outward, and the feeling of loneliness and isolation from the world. But behind all this is to hide the fear of intimacy, on the one hand, and on the other - is a strong need in this very close.

And someone, they, on the contrary, blurry or too open. And then for the person with such boundaries are becoming less safe, and he is willing to enter into a dependent relationship. Because the sense of safety, too, will be broken, unbearable loneliness, and only merging with someone is an illusion of security and usefulness. But here, too, will be a lot of anger, but hidden and often directed at himself, angry nezamechaniya of their feelings and needs, ignoring their true desires.

The boundaries of human need, without them it is very difficult to navigate in this vast world, without them we will be vulnerable and unprotected. But it is important that our borders do not become an impregnable fortress, or a war zone.

Where they go, and how to find them?

The importance and value of boundaries is undeniable.

But to find them and determine not only for himself, but for others, it is very difficult - and even more to make them sufficiently permeable and flexible (but not to the detriment of themselves) and fairly solid and stable (but not to to the detriment of closeness with others).

Because most of us are actually problems with their boundaries lie exactly in the plane:

  • or overly rigid and closed - and then a lot of loneliness and inability to be truly with another, and the inadmissibility of presence of the other.
  • or excessively open and then - the same loneliness, the pain and the inability to be themselves, where the presence of the other absorbs me completely.

So ​​how do you find a happy medium?

What helps and what, on the contrary, the way?

When the rigid boundaries:

  • A lot of mistrust.
  • Settings:

    - The world is dangerous - you can not trust anyone - World against me - all I use - I do not deserve love.

  • The fear of being abandoned.

When the excessively open borders:

  • The fear of loneliness.
  • Ban on feelings, their own desires.
  • Guilt and shame.
  • The desire to be good, an ideal for others.
  • The depreciation itself.
  • The desire to meet the expectations of others.
  • Interests Other important than their own.

And there, and there is unmet need for love, emotional intimacy and acceptance. And while these boundaries are established, meet these vital needs is impossible.

Then what is necessary for building an adequate flexible boundaries?

First, you need to change the attitude to oneself, which will:

  • respect and acceptance of their uniqueness,
  • acceptance of their feelings and emotions and allowing them to be, not dividing them into "good" and "bad",
  • being able to notice in itself all the good that is already there, that is already obtained,
  • confidence in themselves and the world,
  • confidence and faith in their own strength,
  • respect for himself.

It is because of this and will be nurtured own values, without which no self-love - and without self-love can not be self-acceptance.

And without it is impossible to find and define their borders, which will not only protect and give a sense of security, but also to help build a respectful, trusting, harmonious relations with the outside world.