Love and blood: the girls - about violence in relationships
Every 40 minutes a woman dies in Russia as a result of domestic violence - according to data of the Interior Ministry. Statistics abyuza in our country and abroad looks so terrible, that can only be comforted by the fact that the theme itself rises in the media more and more often. Only in the 2016 campaign # YaNeBoyusSkazat withdraw from the shadow of hundreds of real accidents. The most important thing that the victims understand that traumatic experience does not define who they really are, which means that there is hope for salvation. We continue to disclose the topic abyuzivnyh relations through the personal stories of women who have gone through this nightmare.
I lived with a man who has done me the physical and emotional abuse within 12 months. A whole year of fear, hatred, self-pity, and endless excuses battered me, distorted reality.
It all started with the fact that my boyfriend could push me, shove or kick. Pick up the keys or close the door, when I wanted to leave - it was normal. When we started dating, I knew he was a very insecure person experienced the traumas of past relationships. It helped me to find an excuse of his jealousy and a terrible attitude.
Sometimes in the evening he got drunk and started to call me a whore, accused of things I did not commit. I endured his abuse until he just went to bed. The next day he apologized to me, lamenting over what is said, but it was repeated again and again.
I believed him every time, though, and realized that it was a mistake and I must go. The last straw was an incident that occurred on the eve of my birthday.
He came home drunk for several hours shouting at me, called names, humiliated, and then began to beat. I was able to dodge, grabbed the phone to call the police, he knocked it out of my hands, and he crashed. At that moment, I realized that nothing would change. I experience it so much that my whole life ran in front of his eyes.
How could I afford to suffer so much? Why do I let the other person make fun of me for so long?
I sought the help of his close friend. She could take me away from home and defend my security guy in front. The ultimatum, which we have put to him, sounded simple: "Either you let her go, or I'm calling the police."
Therapy has helped me to understand that his behavior - not my fault. I have to become stronger and learn to resist violence. Alcohol, mental disorder, and just behavior asshole - all that remained with my former partner and I did not have to carry this burden with him.
Today, I still go to a psychologist, I spend a lot of time with friends that help me to become stronger, to feel that I - a great man, and my injuries do not define me.
From the terrible experience I remember the most important lesson: I deserve more.
Veronika, 33 years
The worst thing in my life - this is what I was married to a man who emotionally destroyed me. Trends to abyuzivnomu behavior appeared in his back when we had just met. And I still married him. I knew he was terrible in anger, but hoped that this would change or modify the I - and then leave.
The situation cleared up when we moved in together. He came after work and yelled at me for something I did everything wrong, or did nothing. Half an hour later he had behaved as if nothing had happened, and I was confused.
I literally walked on tiptoe, each time she was afraid to disappoint him.
Once I broke down and told him it was over. After gathering his things, I went to live with her friend. My husband called me, wrote touching messages and eventually persuaded me to go back. He swore that he had changed, that realized how hurt me, and that his behavior was unacceptable. Naturally, my heart sank, because we are not enemies, we love each other. Just at that time, it was hard for me to believe what cruelty can hide behind this light feeling. I came back. For some time he has really changed: he was gentle, considerate, even romantic.
He never lifted a hand against me, but the time spent together, gave him the opportunity to come up with more sophisticated tactics of violence. He began to control me.
He took all the decisions that affect both of us, I never asked what I think or want, and when I talked about it, he simply ignored. Once I heard from him the following phrase:
Man here - I, therefore, it is my task - to establish rules and give orders. You have to obey me, because now you are my wife.
On the same day I made an appointment to a therapist. Thanks to the treatment and communication with relatives, I managed to find the strength to stand up for myself when my husband pointed out to me in my place.
I was ashamed to complain to friends, talk about their problems to parents and even scared to call in any instance where I would help as a victim of violence.
On the issue of emotional abuse, few concerns seriously. When I tell about what happened, from the outside it sounds as if I myself was to blame: not gone, when I realized that my husband - a tyrant, suffered, not to re him. But this is nonsense? Am I to blame for the fact that it treats people as things? Do not I deserve a normal human happiness? And he? How to be a man who also lives in the relationship and all the time thirsty to control and humiliate? I feel sorry for my husband, because I love him.
After my husband met with resistance on my part, he asked me to get a divorce. It was intolerable - to realize that we come to an end, that nothing can be corrected, but I agreed. It is terrible to be alone, even worse to live my life in fear that one day his behavior goes all bounds, and if we have children, then carry this burden and will have to them. These thoughts helped me to escape. Now I live alone, work and travel a lot, to forget this nightmare, to find a new sense impressions that could heal my soul. To learn how to live my ex-husband, I do not know and do not want to know.
Antonina, 24 years old
We broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago. I - a girl with disabilities, and it is - the same, so we quickly found a common language and began dating soon enough.
At first, everything was just perfect: romantic, caring, he seemed to me the most - the guy for life. I was in seventh heaven.
But soon the sex became more important to him than just time spent together.
I've always been honest and spoke openly to him about his views on love life. Due to the nature of his body, I constantly feel unsure, do not give me a liberated sex. For me, all this is gone by the wayside, but the feelings and emotional intimacy has become the most important.
If at the beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend was sympathetic to my uncertainty, and even tried to do something special, so I relaxed, it soon began to accuse me that I do not want to make love, that I was frigid, and threatened to rape her.
He said that my love - it is a sham, because I could not prove it in bed. And how much I loved him outside, he did not notice, and I was very hurt.
I broke up with him because she could no longer tolerate the charges and accept the fact that I have for him - just a body. I still hurt to remember the past, because my feelings do not fade away, but I want to believe that somewhere nearby there is someone who will take me this way I am, and will not manipulate my feelings for the sake of their desires.
Hope, 32 years
When I was 28, I met with a man who went to the same church as me. A year later we were married. Everything was like a fairy tale. We are united by faith, the desire to create a family and a lot of similar interests. The first time he hit me in the face, when we were engaged. The cause of his anger was the dinner that I have prepared, and he did not like. I was shocked, but accepted his apology and expression of violence justified by the fact that he just had a bad day.
The first blow is impossible to forget, it leaves its mark on all his life.
As much as I wanted to then I had enough self-respect and common sense to understand that after the first impact is bound to be second and third.
This is the point of no return, after which everything in your life has to change, but for me everything is still the same: my rapist was the same man as before, I still just wanted to marry him and bear him children, only now between we settled yet and the fear that everything could happen again.
Currently, the violence began two weeks after the wedding. He beat me badly but often. Within six months, I asked him to divorce me, but he threatened that if I leave, he will find me and kill you, and if it finds something to kill my family.
I went to the father of our church, and he invited us for a conversation with her husband. He wanted to help, give advice, but the problem was that in the spiritual sessions, my husband said one thing, but at home again beat me.
I work and earn more than he does, so all the household were necessary on my shoulders. My husband often asked me for money for their needs.
If he wanted to have sex, but I refused, he took me by force.
I only had 15 minutes to get from work to home, and if I was late because of traffic jams or other independent circumstances from me, he beat me, accused of infidelity.
One day I was late home, and my husband was furious. He came at me with a shout. I ran to the bathroom and managed to lock the door. He struck her with his fist through. I went into the shower and watched as her husband destroys the door to get to me. At this point, I was really afraid that I could die and no one will help me. He completely isolated me from my family, friends and favorite activities. I even stopped going to church. In his own home, I became a prisoner. My husband destroyed my self-esteem, saying what a jerk I was. He called me the most harsh words and humiliated competently.
Due to his skillful manipulation, I ceased to distinguish between what was true and what is not. My husband is completely deprived me of dignity and worth. Me calling her a fat horse, or a whore, he seemed to have laid bare and paraded people, and they laughed and poked his fingers.
I tried to defend himself, to join with him in the dispute threatened to leave. But compared with his actions, everything I do or say, it seemed illogical, weightless and stupid.
The idea that I can not leave, do not leave me. I remembered that he always finds me, as he had promised. I dreamed that somewhere there is a place where I can hide from your fears and concerns. I wanted to run away and start a new life, because I was working and would be able to support themselves. Why do I put up with humiliation as he enjoys the comforts that I give him? And what if we were children?
One day I was watching a movie about a woman who shot her husband abyuzivnogo while he tried to rape her. I thought that if I could do the same.
When you live in constant fear of physical and emotional pain, it boils inside such hatred that even murder does not seem to sin. Every time my husband beat me and raped me boil with fear and rage and lost control of himself.
But after everything was over, I felt sorry for myself and him.
Where have happened to feelings? What if I leave, he met another woman, and she will suffer in the same way as me? How could I let this happen?
All ended one night when in a regular fit of rage, he beat me, and I cried so heart-rending that the neighbors called the police. witnesses were on my side, who confessed that they had heard the screams and the sounds of a fight many times. On my battered face wearing the scar and gore, and my husband so mad with desire to hurt me, I did not notice how the district arrived. That same evening, I packed all my things and went to her parents. A few months later I moved to another city, so little breath, to learn to live without fear of what I would find.
My husband was given 6 years for attempted rape and threat to life. Beatings were fresh, they managed to remove and to prove guilt, but with the emotional violence, everything was much more difficult, because it does not leave visible traces, though misses life as if through a meat grinder.