I like-I-can not: how to love and to be able to comfortably
Fairly common case where one partner in a couple (let's call it dependent) is much more interested in other - and the interest he felt an insane love of the above.
Interest he happily some time demonstrates another less interested partner (let's call it independent). It surrounds care, trying to anticipate the needs, to meet all needs, meet the expectations of the partner, unconsciously betraying itself at the same time.
Third-party partner is often initially a pleasure to be in the center of the universe different, nice to receive such a stream of love and care and cherish this ego. And he encourages and stimulates even dependent to show love to his aspirations.
Dependent same partner is moving away from its interests if they had been:
- gives up friends, who for some reason can not please a loved one, or simply in order to devote more time to his same;
- refuses to hobbies and entertainment separately from the partner;
- may even sacrifice their jobs, careers (often women).
In general we can say that he is doing everything possible to not only other doubt the power of love and devotion.
And it seems that every day in a pair of this love must become stronger and stronger, because so much effort is applied to it.
But what's really going on? Gradually, independent partner, who like to be happy, to get what he wanted from the other, begins somehow "outside the box" to behave. He starts to get annoyed at the slightest pretext, to carp, complain, criticize, devalue it, making partner. One gets the impression that it irritates even the voice of the partner. He starts to move away, and to withdraw into themselves.
Dependent same partner, feeling guilty for the state of a loved one (in fact, he believes that only he can be to blame for the fact that others are bad), tries to please with even greater zeal. Which further increases the distance between the partners.
And it is natural. Dependent partner like dissolves in another, it is impersonal, it is the shadow of the other, which is very difficult to love. It is no longer that once cling to a loved one, "included" his senses, aroused him.
And get everything I wanted, independent partner starts losing interest: it is not what the more eager, feelings do not develop - and relations, respectively. Trusting eyes begin to irritate, care - bore, attention is seen as supervision. It becomes crowded and stuffy, I want to escape from captivity, and he wonders where the love disappeared, where the man whom he had so admired, and which so inspired, because he sincerely believed that their love, if not forever, then for a long time.
Their relationship is no more that a healthy distance, which is so necessary for maintaining interest in each other, that this distance is fueling the love and passion. In addition, an independent partner of a sense of guilt, which is dependent inspires all its sacrificial views. And where there is a fault, there is no love: Accused may feel pity, but not love. And happiness, which seemed to be very close, somewhere disappears, and the dependent partner is on the ruins of his self-sacrificing love.
So, in dealing with such an imbalance is most important - the restoration of a healthy distance. This distance should not be too long, so as not to make the partners strangers, it should only be allowed to retain his individuality, his face, his range of interests to each of the partners.
What is required to make the relationship more balanced?
On the part of the dependent partner:
- To realize the available distance. To understand what the existing distance is not enough to build a healthy relationship.
- To determine their interests. It may be difficult to do, because people have not interested in your life, simply forgets to listen to yourself. We have to re-learn it. Their interests are simply necessary in order not to "merge" with your partner.
- To plan concrete steps to "detach" from the partner. This must be done in detail, down to the building of clear patterns in the human mind, to make it easier to implement it in practice. For example, it is important to understand that people will just talk to the partner when the evening will be busy with their own affairs. In fact, however strange it may, independent partner used to the constant presence of a dependent. And despite the fact that it weighs this dependence, it is likely to be dependent to resist separation. Actualized fears.
- Carry out work to overcome the fear of distancing partner, fear of rejection partner. After an emotionally dependent person fears that if he does not meet all the needs of the partner, he can of his "quit". For this work, there are certain techniques. But if the fears are very strong, it is better to do it in conjunction with a specialist.
by an independent partner:
- to reconsider their attitude to the previously loved one. To analyze the contribution to the creation of an imbalance in the relationship. Does he touched the lives of the partner himself, it narrowed to the size of his needs? Remember what qualities he was attracted by a partner before. To answer the question: "What can I do to stop partner" cycle "only me?"
- frank talk with his loving man. Talk about what happens to him, about his feelings. Explain that it is very important to personal space, a certain degree of freedom, that without this it simply can not live. Tell a partner what it earlier it attracted, which, in his opinion, will help him to regain these qualities. Offer him their support along the way. Perhaps his testimony will be met with resentment and misunderstanding. Insist need to gently and carefully. And over time, the partner will believe in his sincerity and desire to improve relations.
- to re-learn to be honest with your partner. The only way possible to regain the intimacy in the relationship. To share with a partner their thoughts, doubts, fears, pain ... The proximity can be nurtured to develop - as partners to create a truly valuable relationships.
- helps partners to re-establish their territory, find their interests and occupations. There is one catch. If they wanted an independent partner to get rid of the suffocating love it at first may disturb and even frighten distancing faithful partner. And it is important to resist and not go beyond this fear. This may add to the life of some trouble, but eventually will regain the thrill of love.
Emotional independence, personal boundaries and personal space - this is the basic components of the happy relationship. What is needed for the development of individuals in the context of relationships. What makes a person unique and valuable.