How to live well?
"The Book of the good life",
where it is written as what, where, when and with whom, for what and why, right and wrong do.
The most difficult thing when reading - is shut away their "want" to stop receiving their experience and to stop trusting yourself.
But even harder to find this book, it is like the Holy Grail, it seems very attractive and gives answers to all questions, but unattainable. "Who is not a psychologist, probably drank from this cup and now has her magical knowledge, knowledge of the good life" - often thinks one who seeks psychological help.
Very often in a matter of psychology at the site, as well as in the consultations requests sounds desire to get an estimate or a specific solution:
- Did I do right?
- And if he / she / they are doing the right thing?
- And how to make me / tell / decide in such a case?
- Do the right thing, I generally ask about this?
- But what if it's wrong?
And this need to find out or understand "how well" - a kind of attempt to defend himself, to feel safe. And the pursuit of the right may appear in the presence of, for example:
- Children's items, as the inability or unwillingness of any reason to hold an adult position. And then I want to ask some more experienced adult "And what is right and what is better?";
- the uncertainty of their own feelings of, sensations, emotions, and / or lack of understanding of their needs and desires. If a person is not aware of what he wants in fact, he was afraid or / disable themselves realize does not trust my own experience, for various reasons, it is trying to rely on someone more competent and authoritative opinion. "I do not know how it would be better for me, and what would you do in my place?"; - the desire to conform to some ideal or standard at or socially desirable standard. For example, in order to please, receive approval, love and other bonuses, "I always have to / need to be successful / successful, and if I do something wrong, I'll be bad, and then others will cease to love me";
- the fear of making a mistake, to get into a situation where you can encounter strong emotions, such as shame, guilt, fear, and others. "If I do wrong, I'm wrong or I would be ashamed or scared, and that then think of me?";
- fear to take and bear responsibility for their decisions. This is very common with the previous error fear. Plus, here there is still a fear of vulnerability, self-esteem threat and anxiety, "what if I can not cope." For example, "If I can not handle / cope with such a simple task, I do not then what can not / are not capable of. And then there is no sense to start or try something else."
And this desire to feel, say and do the "right" often originates from the parent family in which the child faces with all sorts of settings and messages.
For example, that love and accept only when the child is "good" ( "right") behaves. And not to be deprived of parental love, the child has to take the rules of the game.
Or when has a very strict punishment or abuse (psychological or physical) over any "inconvenient" manifestations of the child, whether it's action, desires or needs. Or when has a lot of expectations about the child that it should implement. In this case, the child has to refuse or fail to hear their desire to somehow cope with the tasks entrusted to it.
Or when is a child under the strong tutelage / control or vice versa is not noticed / is ignored parental figures. In the first case, the child does not develop adult proactive position, it is not accustomed to take responsibility, not responsible for the consequences of their actions, oriented to rely on others. In the second case, he does not feel important, doubts the value of their experience and thus receives no system of values, which can rely on to make decisions. In other words, it can not really be aware of "what is good and what is bad."
And there are many other conditions that affect the formation of the need for correctness. And they generate a sense of inner insecurity, do not allow manifest itself in full force the opportunities enjoyed by people, impoverish life and relationships. And in general, deprive a person to be yourself and live your life for yourself.
Someone right now and want to ask, "So what do you do And how to?".
There is no clear right or wrong answer or solution. For every person in every situation "right" of their own, that takes into account the uniqueness of the person, his personal characteristics, experience and knowledge, his desires and opportunities. And while, of course, must not violate the rights and boundaries of others. In addition, it does not negate the possibility to obtain an opinion from the side. The difference is that a person can say "I do so because I want this and I understand that it is right for me / the right decision."
It is important that the "correct" decision for the person correlated with its system of values , with its beliefs and desires. Then there is no internal conflict or irritation of the type "I want to, but I'm afraid to disappoint my mom / dad" (the man himself has long been a mom or dad), "I want this, but I have to endure another", "I want this, but I'm afraid that I have nothing. "
And for me as a professional it is important that the person who asked for help, has learned to hear themselves, their needs, distinguish between the emotions and feelings as indicators of its desires and found an inner sense of confidence and security to rely on themselves in the event of difficult situations and decisions. In other words, each drank my Holy Grail.