When we - this is a test on the symbiotic relationship between mother and child
"And we still write, do not want to sleep alone, offended over nothing" - as usual using the word "we," my mother tells about the problems of his ten year old son.
"You too?" - I specify, trying to draw attention to her mother's speech. Not understanding the question, Mom stops the flow of words and a few seconds looking at me in surprise.
"And here I am? I'm telling you about my son. " And still further: "In the dream, we are talking, biting his nails, afraid to stay at home without a mother ...".
And, of course, my mother does not understand yet that, if it were not "we" instead of "my son" - perhaps her ten year old son slept for a long time to one and not to write.
"Yes, our family only" we ", what else?
"We" - a sign of a happy family! "- first try to defend their usual" we "caring, mother giperopekayuschie.
"It's good that the mother loves the child, therefore, happy family, just about the children say" we "!" - you often hear even from psychologists, not to mention how touched by this "we" surrounding.
In fact, if the child is over 3 years old and my mother keeps talking about the child, "we", a kind of test for maternal and child symbiotic relationship.
After 9 months physiological symbiosis with the child's mother is still in a period of about 3 years is with him in the psychological symbiosis. During this important period - the psychological symbiosis - gradually formed the basis for the perception of himself as a separate being, having his ego, separate from the parent Y. Corporal R, holistic unconscious body image of a child is formed in close emotional contact with his mother and closest associates. Often mothers and after the child is 3 years old continues to to perceive the child as a part of their body image, as an extension of themselves. And then the process of formation of the self, unconsciously and physically separate from the mother, the child is broken. The so-called separation, separation from the mother's I'm not going.
Sometimes it comes to the fact that the mother may feel "a little bit pregnant" their babies, or "related umbilical cord" with them. If the child is healthy, continued symbiotic relationship after 3 years is largely determined by only the mother. Overly careful is disturbing-hypochondriac mother, which considers your baby is too small and helpless, his overprotective does not give him the opportunity to develop independently and gradually separated from the mother.
Continuation of the symbiotic relationship and it helps mothers, in which there are no or very few pronouns "you", "he", "she" in relation to the child and his action. Instead, they constantly heard "we" that unconsciously reinforces and continues symbiotic relationship. It was in children of mothers who persist in saying "we", age fears often do not go away and turn into a serious obsessive fears.
- They are afraid to sleep without mothers,
- in panic are afraid to let them go by themselves,
- are obsessed with the fear of death.
These fears stem from the fact that during any separation from their mother, they feel that they part with their partner, with a part of his "I". Unconsciously, they fear that they could lose themselves and together with his partner, which is a basic, all-embracing fear.
These children are more likely to do not want to grow up, because they are afraid that if they grow up, parents grow old and die. If the mother has a son, then the use of the pronoun "we" instead of "you", "he" or the name may even contribute to the violation of sexual identity, and sometimes cause aggression and affective flashes as ways symbiotic relationship resistance.
After convincing conversations psychologist parents begin, of course, understand the importance of timely overcoming symbiotic relationship with the children. And even agree to immediately correct and stop unreasonably use the pronoun "we" when dealing with a child older than 2-3 years. They nod in agreement and even distressed, how could they ignore such simple things.
Unfortunately, there are cases when after some time mothers re-appear in the psychologist's office door and habitually begin to enumerate: "We are afraid, we are treated, we learn ...". And when they again heard in response: "And you, too," - suddenly remember, remembering the recent advice of a psychologist. It turns out, not so easy to forget the usual "we"!
And my mother is beginning to justify that the "job" was very difficult to perform. And then again give myself to learn to control himself in regard to the use of the pronoun "we." We have to again remind them that from such "trifles" largely determines if a little man in the future to take responsibility for your life - or to live, leaving the entire responsibility mom.
Dear Mom, if you do not want your child has grown helpless, prone to bad habits and dependencies, when co-dependent, symbiotic relationship with the child, seek psychotherapeutic help!
I would be pleased to help in person or on Skype!
This article was written in 2010 and printed here in edited form.