When my mother - girlfriend
Often when working with clients and personal communication face with the desire to become mothers and girlfriends or friends, daughters sons.
Let's see what can come out of the direct embodiment of such a desire in life.
The reasons for wanting to become a girlfriend
Speculations about the reasons for the trend towards convergence of the friendly with children led me to the following conclusions.
- The vast majority of the parents' generation, born and grown up during or after the war, concerned about survival, raised their children in severity. Their goal was grow children, that is to give them enough wealth that they can continue to move through life. Naturally, that cares about their daily bread they simply do not have the energy and time getting your kids friends.
- The children in these families grew in harsh bans and knowledge of "what is good and what is bad." Remember, "Scarce son to the father came and asked pipsqueak ...". Mayakovsky was and remains a wonderful tool in this :)
However, children want to , not only and not so much something material, as focus, the adoption of feelings, sympathy and understanding. Parents, aimed at survival, could not give it. Formed shortage of emotional communication.
- As you know, we raise our children, or as well as brought us - or just the opposite. In the second case, we just get the desire of mothers to be understanding girlfriend. The principle of family hierarchy has not been canceled.
What happens in the family system, when mom gets a girlfriend?
System - this is something fundamental, stable. Any system tends to equilibrium. A balance is achieved to build a hierarchy of the family system. It should break it, and the system becomes unstable. Try to turn the triangle pointing down ...
The family hierarchy - is the structure of the relationship, where each in his place.
Everyone in the family has their functions, tasks and responsibilities. And for their execution, each bears its responsibility.
Mom takes care of the emotional well-being, emotional climate in the family. Pope defends and provides material, builds family bond with the outside world. And all this in order to race continued. It is the responsibility of adults.
The children, too, have a responsibility to become adults. In the physical nature it helps it be done automatically with the passage of time. But emotional maturation depends on the family.
And what friends are responsible? Well, in fact, that may be responsible for the relationship, which for so many years the same age as me? Does it for those tips that can give?
The answer is obvious to me that there is no! Who agree to invite to move on.
To those who think that friends are responsible for the advice, which provide, offer to find a situation where you thought it was wrong in his life. When you thought you had a girlfriend, each responsible for their own words, then do so, that you did not expect. And all you have left - it resent them because they did not take responsibility for your life or the difficult situation in which you find yourself. Do you still think that it was they were supposed to deal with your life's problems? Of course great when mom learns to accept the child's feelings instead of useless advice! When you know that you will always find support, not criticism. When you feel that you are loved for who you are. When you feel part sympathy. When you have the freedom of conscious choice, not a system of prohibitions that dominate you.
What, then, whether it is dangerous and it really is?
The question is how to combine these two roles: mother and girlfriend. The danger arises when the mother, carried away by the role of girlfriend, forgets about his place in the family system. When she starts to not only advise (it's just inherent in the role of the mother), but consult in the vital issues, giving of their responsibility to the child.
For example, if I go to marry this man? And the daughter said, "Yes, Mama I like him, marry him." From whom we normally expect similar words? Yes, yes, you guess? From Mom!
What happens at this point? Mom and daughter are reversed. And now this daughter thinks that it can affect the lives of adults and to lead their lives.
Mom voluntarily handed her these powers, without even noticing. And if the daughter in the blink of an eye has claimed responsibility for the adult mother, then her mother and then there is the temptation to take on a child that can really be very hard to bear. And instead of looking for support from his mother, she unconsciously continues to search for her daughter. Thus the shortage of emotional communication with his mother can cause a child to continue to remain in the adult life of the child to a sustainable choice. And the children's need for support, protection and security for many years can move us to meet them by any means.
Growing occurs when the emotional hunger appeased.
And it is not quenched friendly irresponsible chatter, and a mother's love.
Then the child feels and knows that his mother is involved in its affairs and problems, and does not pretend pretending girlfriend.
If such an inverted hierarchy, you know my story, do not despair!
Everything can be corrected.
Understand their role and find their place in the family system is never too late.
Very clearly this is happening in the arrangements of the technique.
And learn how to be a friend of their children, do not forget that we - the parents here.