Is it possible to change the other person?
All of us have been in situation when you want to change the attitude to us or loved one's behavior.
What do we do in such cases most often?
We are trying to work on it to make it change. We explain, please, demand manipulated. Sometimes, something is beginning to change, but usually not for long.
Why is this happening?
Real change starts only when the person himself wants. Edit another person without his desire impossible. You can only change yourself, then there will be a chance that will start to change and it is.
For example, a husband and wife are used to interact in a certain way (the husband, coming home at night, resting, and his wife, and after working all day, preparing dinner and wash the dishes afterwards). There comes a time when the wife realizes that it is no longer to arrange.
But this does not mean that the husband also wants to change. He is quite comfortable, and change nothing he is not going. In this case, all attempts to change the situation of his wife will cause its resistance as man does not change, if it is in the comfort zone.
What to do to his wife?
Make it so that the husband got out of the comfort zone that he wanted to review the division of responsibilities. Grievances and complaints will not help here. The wife would have to change itself.
For a start it is important to realize that she herself has created this situation by agreeing to take on more family responsibilities than her husband, and he is her decision gladly accepted. If we are willing to invest in a relationship more than a partner, then so be it. Next it is important to understand why it is investing more? What is behind this?
- Maybe it was taken in her parental home.
- This may be a way to earn the love of her husband.
- It is possible that as manifested her desire to be a good wife or fear of conflict.
Having dealt with its internal units and with their fears, it can start to work with them. This will mean that it is changing. And changed, she would find a way not to take over the existing situation.
For the husband it would be way out of your comfort zone. Previously, a wife can, and grumbled, but did. So, I agree with this situation. And now do not grumble, but the old way no longer wants to do. So the situation has changed, and her husband to re-enter the comfort zone, it is necessary to act in a different way - that is, he will also have to change, for example, to re-negotiate with the wife of the division of responsibilities.
We change other people through you. That is why attempts to influence the other person, while remaining in this (second) is doomed to failure.
There is another important way to change that I want to say. Do you want to change the other person - accept it.
Let's see what this means?
For example, the wife wants her husband often gave her gifts, but gifts - it was not his language of love. In his parents' family love manifests itself differently. For example, through the care.
- If the wife can not accept it, the husband will always feel that she wants to get what he is not ready to give it away. Her expectations, he will perceive as violence, and his desire to make gifts may disappear altogether.
- If the wife can take my husband as he is, and allow him to express his love as he wants, then a miracle can happen. Her husband felt that from him more than anything do not wait and are grateful for all that he does, he wants to show love for his wife and it is in a language that is understandable to her the most.
If we take as we have, we do want to get better and do something good for someone who could take us.
We sometimes continue to be close to some person just because do not accept it. Assuming we understand that more do not want to be with him.
Take - it does not mean something to accept.
Take - is to recognize that this is something there, and let it be.
Why is hard to accept?
- It is difficult to be allowed to be that does not correspond to our ideas about life and our in-house installations, as we believe that it is our submission and install the most correct.
- We resist accepting that bring us pain or cause to begin to change something in their lives. It is easier not to accept and try to change something, but not themselves. Taking painful attempts to influence the situation or the other person, we often unconsciously thereby are protecting themselves from something more severe.
For example, while the woman does not accept that her husband dependent, it can try to build a normal relationship with him, hoping that he would change. But with a man addicted to build normal relations impossible. If she accepts, he - dependent, that is not going to change it, then it will have to find the strength to leave and begin to build their lives without him. Her departure may give a boost to her husband and to change.
We are changing the situation and others through adoption.
All this applies not only to the partnership, but also to the relations between relatives, friends, colleagues, neighbors. If you do not like something in the behavior of another person or in his relation to you, look for the cause of a, be aware of their responsibility in what happens, and change themselves or their attitude to the situation.
Then the other person will be able to change and to make the step up to meet you.