When my mother all unhappy

When my mother all unhappy

Irina, 27 years old, she asked her mother to stay with her year-old son a few hours until she goes on business. Mom came into the room, sniffed and muttered irritably: "Do you smell food." Going into the bathroom and saw the scattered children's clothes, she said: "Well, here is a mess!".

On the kitchen table, she saw a meat dish, waiting until he put it in the oven. "Ira, you forgot about the hot. It is necessary to put on the fire! "

Young woman barely holding back tears. The mood is hopelessly spoiled for the rest of the day.

Options and variety in the manifestation of this situation, a great multitude, but the are the same:

  • mom (in which all times can be a "bad mood") is constantly in her daughter some drawbacks associated with the absence of her life experience.
  • The daughter is constantly striving to correct them, but for some reason is suffering from insomnia, emotional instability, the decline of energy. Weakened psyche admits new error, which causes the next influx of criticism or "to improve the program."

Of course, none of us is perfect. We all need advice and to work hard to develop themselves and become better. Only can I become a better man, living under the constant pressure of criticism from the PEP first importance - his own mother? The answer is unequivocal: no.

Another thing - whether you need a mother does to her adult daughter to become stronger and more competent?

In the scheme of parenting styles identified two axis or the main components of the parent function.

  • On the X-axis has a satisfaction of needs of the child within the boundaries or principles. This includes discipline, the explanation of the concepts of "can-you can not," "good-bad", "how to live", "what is important, valuable" um. d.
  • On the Y-axis has a satisfaction parent the child needs love, warmth and acceptance. This includes kind words, praise, bodily contact, interest in the child's world, communication.

The style of parenting, where both of these components in positive territory called "co-operating", where both in the red - "No".

Where there is love, but no principles - "permissive," and where there is discipline, but there is no heat - "tyrannical".

It is easy to guess what style of parenting refers mother Irina - a tyrant, demanding and do not allow other points of view other than their own.

Ironically, even this kind of parental behavior is aimed at improving the welfare of the child in the world - mother strongly believes: criticizing and guiding her daughter, she works for the good of her. This is a convenient way short path "directly" to ensure that the right to make out of it, a good personality - which is usually the parents want. Only problem is that, following this path, violated the basic principles of the structure of the human psyche and a number of very important daughter needs remain unmet.

It is obvious that in my childhood my mother Irene also known upon themselves tyrannical aspects of parental love. Perhaps terms such as "everyone has his own truth", "every person is unique" and "respect for the other point of view," for it is too complicated, and it is not used to looking at the world that way. Of course, mother can not give her daughter what she herself is not and what it at the time did not give the most (and often the lives of our mothers was full of hardship). However - and this is very important to understand - from what my mother could not give something to his daughter because of his hard life, the need for a daughter is no less urgent. The little girl is not to blame for the fact that her mother had lived a hard life, and the girl was gone from that need less heat, love and understanding than any other girl. And what's more, it has (and always had) a real right to the satisfaction of their needs, as well as any other girl in the world.

Initially, the main mechanism, which holds the interaction between Irina and her elderly mother, is deeply rooted in the psyche of girls feelings of guilt and shame. These complex emotions have a social nature and is always first associated with the presence of the external voice of the one who shames that is internalized and digested by the child at an early age, it becomes an inner voice, and then all life is perceived by them as part of their personality.

In principle, these emotions appeared in person in order to be able to create complex human societies with the norms of social behavior. However, in the process of education of these emotions are often used in order to prevent a child to have their own desires, opinions or interests. And because many of the repetitive situations of guilt on the basis of conditioned reflex begins to appear, as soon as the desire to do something for themselves, to be themselves.

Daughter, which often falls into guilt, seeks to be a "good girl" to avoid this painful experience. And it is very convenient for the mother a situation that the mother herself almost never will not change on its own initiative, because it allows her to feel knowing, important, indispensable. Another important function of guilt in this relationship manifests itself in the fact that with the help of imposed a ban on any expression of protest or anger in the mother's address.

A healthy child anger - a natural defensive reaction to the dissatisfaction of some needs, whether it's the respect, attention, love, or something else. However, a mother with a low parental competence considers anger or protest her daughter not as a signal about the presence of a small women's own "I", but as a problem that must be disposed of. And the shortest way to this goal is the denial of the most important for a child - love.

That is, the daughter gets the message that if it is to feel anger, protest, anger, disagreement with his mother, it means that she is not worthy of love. But for a child there is nothing worse than this, and she chooses to be a favorite, but do not be angry with my mother, and into adulthood continues to follow this installation. This provokes the eternal dissatisfaction with his mother, who feels that he does not meet the protest, and feels permissiveness in terms of their own negative experiences.

Therefore, if anyone can do something about the situation with the forever unhappy mother, so it is only Irina herself. To do this, to learn to recognize unconsciously arising guilt, because it is what it is - and to develop a new perspective on the situation, giving it the right to their own desires and decisions, their own ways of how to live their lives. Then you need to master the skills psychological self-defense and the constructive expression of his own anger, which for a long time been in a depressed state. This process can take a long time, because the need to change behavior that was fixed in the psyche for decades. It's complicated, but really, how many can attest, have successfully completed the process.

Only freed from all the accumulated anger, learning to constructively express their needs, realizing how much she means to her mother and feeling strong, adult, free individual, the daughter can begin to build with his mother a new relationship based on mutual respect and mutual exchange of care , help, and love.