How to get out of the trap of loneliness
When we build relationships,
is an opportunity not only to learn partner but also to prove themselves and find themselves present.
It so happens that a barrier to building an intimate relationship becomes impossible to open another person. And thus man condemns himself to voluntary imprisonment alone.
However, over time it understands that this method does not work. So we arranged that we need other people. It is the ability of the trust depends on whether a person will find happiness in your personal life, or left alone.
Can you develop this ability, and where better to start with?
It should be noted that the ability to trust in humans is formed from childhood in the parental home. If the communication with parents was a lot of anxiety, fear of being misunderstood or rejected, then in adult life it is very difficult to begin to trust others. Even in the present understanding that this person is completely safe, it is difficult to overcome certain internal barrier and open.
To trust - means to be ready both to desirable and undesirable reaction from another person.
Found, for example, lack of understanding, lack of interest to you, the reluctance to support or to be used for personal gain other people. If a person can not maintain itself at the same time it is easy to ranitsya when communicating with others.
For example, you have come to the event and suddenly notice that you have a stain on the shirt in plain view. You understand that the reaction of the people can be different - someone will make a critical remark (if not to say that it expresses its view), another chuckle, the third it will cause confusion. The person who finds it difficult to withstand the adverse reaction of others, most likely, will prefer to leave immediately or, at least, a faded spot. One that self-support is sufficient, accept the situation as a trifle. For example, tell yourself that "it's not worth the spot to spoil your evening."
And if in the past has been the experience of support from loved ones, he will believe that in this situation, there will always be people who will understand the casus with a stain on his shirt. Most likely, such a man would prefer to stay at the event, since the situation did not hit him a sense of their self-worth.
- Get the undesirable reaction of others - this can be considered minus, which you may get when you try to trust.
- However, there are significant plus. Confidence - it's an opportunity not to be alone and to build a warm, close relationship. Risking trust, and try a new experience, you can qualitatively change their lives.
How do I begin to trust?
It is worth remembering that trust - is two-way traffic towards each other. If only one moves, the other covers the road, it's a dead end, where the relationship can not develop. In principle, each of us in varying degrees, vulnerable to attempts to trust.
The level of risk for each has its own and it is defined as the time from standby to withstand an adverse reaction. However, you can increase their willingness to open up gradually - step by step. Trying to start to open near my best on the environment with those people with whom you come in contact every day - neighbors, colleagues, acquaintances. Initially, you can communicate with the bit to prove themselves - something to tell us about yourself, express your opinion, share interesting information. Then wait for a response from the speaker. If a person is interested in contact with you, it will give the desired reaction. For example, an interest in what you say.
Remember that intimacy in a relationship is established by a gradual movement towards each other. Start with little information about yourself, the disclosure of which would be minimal risk to you. If you receive a desired response from a man, then start talking about more important things for you.
Let me suggest at least hypothetically, that the reaction of other people may be different from the one you used to have in the parental home and in your past experience. Try not to cheat yourself horror stories before intercourse, and give yourself a chance to observe what happens in the real contact.
If you see that an improper reaction, perhaps, it is not your man. Indeed, the fear of trust, usually slows down in the initiative to establish a relationship. And then to have to wait for the one who would be bolder and go to the first contact. Unless you have experience in establishing relations, the man grabs any new acquaintance who turned up.
And it is a mistake that often leads to frustration in the man and the new negative experiences in relationships. It is worth to stay and care for a new friend.
- What binds you together?
- Do you have common topics of conversation?
- you most / very similar attitudes, values and ideology of this man?
Do not rush to adjust to him / her. You may find that you are very different people, between which it is impossible and there is no understanding of common interests.
Do not try to impress everyone, and especially to go to strange relationship because the man first showed interest in you.
You may stumble upon a misunderstanding, rejection of your opinions and your views from the side of a new acquaintance, but that does not mean that you are bad / second or uninteresting / st. Perhaps you are too different to that person in order to be together. Think about whether you need to spend time on something that sailed to you itself - or better to focus efforts on the search for a suitable partner.
Believe in yourself that you will be able to withstand the negative reaction in response to an attempt to trust. Remember that "you are not a gold coin to please everybody." The first time in contact with other people do not put myself the task to set up an obligatory contact. Praise yourself for showing any initiative in communicating with other people.
You've already done simply because try myself in this. And nothing, if not all happen at once, and something goes wrong, as expected. Of course, you'll have to worry, and it is normal for an atypical case in your situation. Your success is that you try yourself in new experiences - go to the first / th on contact.
In this case, it is important to you to shift your attention
with, as "my interlocutor assesses"
out, "Do I fit his reaction."
Try to stay itself / himself - to express what you think, you feel that you are sincerely interested in knowing about the interlocutor. Listen to yourself and feel the contact. If you are not satisfied with the level of communication with a particular person -
- you feel tense in his presence,
- can not openly express their feelings and thoughts,
- understand that he / she is not considered to be to your liking,
then ask yourself: Is this the man with whom is possible to build your relationship?
You have the right to refuse contact with a person who does not meet your needs, which responds to you not as you would like.
It's okay if suddenly someone let you down / criticized / not supported. After all, people are different. There are others that are sure to accept, support and love you.
Of course, you need to understand what and to whom you are willing to trust, not to be disappointed in the reaction of the other person. If you do not mean that you are allowed in a relationship, and that is categorically not, then for you it will be to solve others. And your default will be to put forward their interests and solve their problems in your relationship.
And I must say that the universe is constantly sending you the worst offenders of your borders, until you learn to trust yourself, designate and protect their personal space, if necessary. It is a space where the invasion of other threatens the destruction of your personality, your inner self, the "I".
If you have already managed to establish contact and want to have your relationship developed and strengthened mutual trust, the it is important to agree on acceptable to both of you the rules of communication. So, if you know what is too sensitive to criticism, it would be nice to tell your loved one. At the same time ask them to give their comments in a way that you hurt the least. Think about how your loved one can tell you that it is something not like it to be portable for you?
- Maybe he should say at the outset any supporting words? For example, "I love you" or "our relationships are important to me" - and then talk about what he wanted to draw your attention.
- You might like to hear more warmth in his tone?
- Or that he used the "I-message", where messages are the focus shifts to their feelings, rather than your personality?
In any case, to indicate the position of another person and to receive an adequate response to your trust, you first need to understand:
- What relationship do you want;
- that it is permissible for you to communicate and that is categorically not;
- what do you expect from this relationship;
- that you want to receive, and that they are willing to give than to enrich these relations?
The clearer your picture will be submitted to the desired ratio, the greater the chance that you will not be imposed on other people's views. Of course, to completely avoid a meeting with his complexes and fears of living in a relationship is impossible, even if the absolute trust between you. It is not necessary to build illusions on this score. There is no such person who would know and understand you better than you himself.
When people are in constant contact, you can not help to strengthen our weak spots. And yes, again it would hurt. Only in life there is always a choice.
- You can build the wall of mistrust with others and be alone.
- Or take a chance and trust a new experience that will not only discover and experience the emotional pain with a loved one, but also get rid of it forever.
If you find it difficult on their own to build a close relationship while - preventing childhood injuries, there are no appropriate communication skills, solving disputes, the ability to build their borders, it makes sense to seek help from a psychologist. In the process of working together, you will have the opportunity to gain new experience of relations based on respect for you, your interests and desires.
You will be able to secure for themselves communicating to deal with the attitudes that hinder to establish contact, to increase self-confidence, self-esteem, the ability to give yourself the support and acceptance. This will allow to feel more stable / second when trying to trust, not fear of unwanted side reactions of others. You will become more open / th in communication, will be interested in a real relationship and the opportunity to build a mutual love.