When shame smacks of maternal care
Examining aspects of the formation of personality, psychologists come to a consensus that the few people capable of so much pokorozhit psyche of the child, his parents.
And the injury heals man rest of their lives, often to no avail.
Today, I talk about the tragedies daughters entrusted with the role of parents.
Psychological Operation daughter mother
Any emerging personality in need of support and support. That this is the meaning of the relationship "mother-daughter". Girl needs to see an example of a woman who is the most important person in her life, to feel the approval, to understand that in every situation it ready to listen, support and understanding. This is the ideal situation, which is compounded by the fact that the daughters are absolutely dependent on the emotional, mental, physical support mothers.
In some cases, the natural course of growing up impaired maternal desire to solve their psychological problems due to this addiction. It so happens that the mother expects her daughter will listen to their fears, to solve problems, to comfort and care, act as an intermediary, that is, there is a substitution of concepts, broadcast at her mother's features. In fact, for the child it is responsible for the well-being adult daughter vested duties therapist, girlfriends and even replace a partner.
The girl has no other choice but to either accept the rules of the game, or try to rebel. But because the child is totally dependent on the parent, it is the strength is not for everyone in terms of survival. Traditionally, therefore, the behavior of daughters varies in the following schemes:
- have the perfect little girl waiting for that mom will appreciate it, and finally take care;
- become stronger and begin to solve the problem of my mother in the hope of praise and love;
- to try to understand the needs of the mother and fully satisfy them, hoping that after this it will be possible to live your life.
Unfortunately, no matter how trying the daughter of "integrate" into a situation that will not solve the problem of the mother, not heal her injury, but for the younger girls such exploitation does not go in vain. Typically, circuit behavior with the mother, and is projected on the other side of life - work, relationships with friends, partners, transforming reality into a vicious circle of pain and uncertainty.
The causes and consequences of the concepts of substitution of
In what is the reason for the substitution of the concept of motherhood mothers?
This is largely a consequence of patriarchy in our society. Women are often at birth is in a disadvantaged position, and when at its disposal is completely dependent on her being, can not resist and do not use the opportunity to assert themselves, to get the recognition and love.
And this situation lasts from generation to generation. Mother daughters subconsciously translate their weakness, inability to resist the blows of fate, gradually leads to the idea that the child's needs are too high and beyond the power of parents.
As a result - the daughter ashamed of the fact of its existence, so make life difficult for mothers, take the idea of the need to abandon their own needs and even the possibility of becoming as a person. Girls think that they are too big and take up so much space that constrain parents that their "I" can hurt the mother, that the only way - to remain small and fragile, without their own opinions and their own lives.
Putting their lives on the altar of maternal trauma, the girl did not understand the main thing: the mother does not approve of a daughter as a person, only as a function of serving the satisfaction of its problems. Any attempt to abandon the role of "knight" aggression threatens the daughter with the mother. Growing up, the girl begins to realize how easy it is to bring her mother out of balance, and because of that hides his personal life, as any attempt to separate, to find their own interest to do it in front of his mother's worst enemy. The reason - the mother of the daughter of the behavior associated with the behavior of his own mother, who at the time rejected it, and to not feel the pain of rejection again, ready to be rude, including the physical, in the treatment of her daughter.
In this case, the mother does not wish to be recognized in operating daughters, but simply in theft of their childhood. Often resort to such arguments:
- "My fault was not!"
- "You're just an ungrateful!"
- "How can you blame my mother, I gave you the best years!".
They want to make daughters to remain silent about their pain as to recognize the problem is too painful for them. But the one who has the power, can work not only good, but also evil, and whatever the motives of his conduct may call the mother, they are still responsible for the harm caused daughters.
The methods of overcoming injury
Yet 99% of daughters have been deprived of childhood because of the exploitation of mothers, will sooner or later realize that the situation is not normal and should change something.
From friends, you can hear the advice: be strong, begin to live their lives. In some ways they are right, but in this case the display of force must begin with ourselves.
We must force yourself to see mom role in psychological trauma. As long as we refuse to see the guilt of mothers in our sufferings, we continue to feed their sense of shame, inferiority and self-deprecation. Hide behind the shame is easier than to face the truth, shame acts protected from pain, which is sure to follow the understanding that it was my mother, the most expensive and important in the world, we simply used.
Being a victim - not an option, it does not heal nor our problem, not the problem of the mother. With his mom injury should understand itself, it is its responsibility and no one else. We need to find the strength to give mothers that they passed on to daughters, leaving no choice for children and without asking their opinion. Only after a full awareness of the problem, understanding how it affected the life lived, it will be possible to take up its decision. It is worth noting that often the daughter trying to step over the awareness stage and go directly to the charity and forgiveness, and the sinking. Do not get left behind in the past, the problem, if you do not understand what you leave. And the essence, in actual fact, is this:
- mother's love - the main factor necessary for the survival of the child, so unconditional loyalty to the mother, no matter what she did, laid in children at the genetic level;
- society imposes on women and, therefore, the duty of the girls to take care of others, often to the detriment of their own interests;
- cultural taboos impose duties on children honor their parents, in addition, the deified image of the mother is in almost every religion, so children riots doomed to condemnation by public opinion;
- such a thing as "women's solidarity" - daughter and mother of the same sex, which means that the default should experience similar emotions, to have common interests, be "on one side";
- are difficult to see in an adult man, and especially mothers, sacrifice rooted complexes.
And "downstream" we have the following problem:
girl who always had to play the role of the adult in the relationship with his mother was forced to repress yourself (I loved while I was little), because of which formed the subconscious association of maternal love with self-deprecation.
With age can be as much as necessary to declare aloud his desire to build a career, family, success, love, respect, but the subconscious will tirelessly pop children's fears, when to be a large and naturally meant to remain without a mother support, be it rejection. For the child unconscious rejection of the mother clearly means death, and self-sabotage (stay young) - survival. Therefore, let your shame and guilt - then let go of his mother, remain vulnerable, unloved, because to love yourself no one taught daughters. Such a tangle of problems and experiences few people manage to unravel itself, and therefore a professional psychologist is vital.
It is necessary to heal childhood trauma, to understand that everyone has the right to life without destructive patterns imposed by the mother of a child. The psychologist will help you find the strength and overcome the inevitable conflicts and discomfort of displeasure mother who does not like the idea to change something in the life of his daughter, and to open the way to mercy.
It is important to take responsibility for their own lives, to work, to be free from external influence and educate their identity.
Perhaps the mother can never take back the uncertainty that they unconsciously gave daughters, showing their weakness and irresponsibility, but the daughter will be able to recognize this problem and its relevance, to learn to love your inner child, will open the way to the personality and the life they in fact deserve.