To save or not to save?

"Mom, do you believe in miracles again?".

Sixteen year old son with sympathy and condescension scolds mom for many years suffering from a tyrannical husband, but did not change my life.

' You invent itself, that all may be well that his father will change and we all live happily. Although you know perfectly well that all your dreams will collapse once again. "

This sincere monologue from a real-life stories.

Loving, considerate son leaves the mother in difficult times. What's wrong?

In fact, everything is much more serious and deeper. there is a change of roles in the family.

Instead of a strong and dominant adult, next to which the child feels secure and relaxed - the helpless and weak mother, who is a pity and a desire to take care of.

In fairness, I note that in situations like this, children are often much younger than this sympathetic teenager. They are starting from a very early age, bear the heavy burden of conflicting feelings for the mother - of full communion with it (the merger) to hate. As a result, a dilemma in front of them - "pull your" pitiful mother, dedicating their lives or showing certain cruelty, live their lives. But the second option is usually rejected sympathetic children.

Why is it bad for a child It seems that in this responsiveness can not be anything wrong. However, it is not. A child can not open my mother, who did not learn to cope with their lives, their problems. He can not admit that the mother will suffer because of it, too. As a result, he starts to depreciate their own needs by switching entirely on the mother's condition, taking away its role as "adult."

The consequences of such a relationship can be very different (perfectionism, giperotvetstvennost for everything that happens, guilt), but the most common option - it is the impossibility of separation (separation from the mother). Painful addiction can last for many years, making the already adult son (or daughter) to the service providing mother's peace of mind and health. It is absolutely impossible to give up such a weak and miserable person. And their interests, their own family, their needs (including health), as before a child is impaired, are considered irrelevant or secondary.

You say you can not be strong parent all the time?


Sometimes we go all tired and exhausted, find ourselves in an emotional dead end and need to be restarted. Children can really feel, seeing their parents that way. But if it is a short period of time, for them it is even good. So they quickly reconciled with reality, understand that my mother is also a man, not a superhero, and she is sometimes also need the support. I stress that the key word here times. Remarkably, when the family respect the personal needs of everyone, without extra charge themselves, and are responsible for his. Define the same area of ​​responsibility, his personal boundaries and their child (as long as he has not yet learned how to do it) - in adult competence.

Can I get out of such relationships, if they had gone too far and is responsible for the fate of her mother's child has grown up?


First of all it is necessary to reconsider the zone of its responsibility. Analyze how you actually are responsible for the happiness and well-being of your parents?

If strict internal controller does not allow you to step aside, even in thought, it makes sense to turn to a psychologist. By working together you will be able to understand the causes of your problems, to find optimal ways out of difficult situations and learn to identify the extent of his personal liability.

Never too late to become the director of your life and start taking care of yourself.