Betray my mother or myself?
The symbiosis with the mother - a common problem that has to work in therapy.
Client rarely come with a request - help me to separate from my mom. Girls usually turn to help sort out his personal life, career, relationships with men, and with the world around them.
In these areas, the problems appear to be more clear and sharp. Relationship with her mother on the background of these problems seem to be warm, supportive, close. However, for the unconditional warmth of this relationship are hidden very ambiguous processes.
Often the mother due to its lack of independence and emotional anxiety grow out of their daughters' best friends itself. Typically, this is due to the fact that the woman does not want to fully engage in their lives.
She has difficulty in the relationship with her husband, no close friends, the work does not excite, special interests, too, are not available. With his own mother, as a rule, the relationship is also not simple. Adult woman running away from feelings of loneliness, abandonment, lack of implementation, insults to the spouse, conflicts with the same age and colleagues.
Their burdens to share it with whom. Nobody wants to listen to the boring complaints and mourning to undelete life.
Whether business - growing up the daughter. Her mother can give "all of me." Raising of her personality, which she did not, because then at least you can be proud of anything in my life. And you can endlessly daughter complain about her husband. The girl will be a sympathetic nod, hug and feel sorry for my mother, give her advice, to console, to save, to help. And then the mother does not feel so lonely. It can even boast of acquaintances - that my daughter just like friends, all whispering and there are no secrets between us.
The daughter, too, can be proud of such a bond with her mother, to feel adult, intelligent, of belonging to the personal lives of the parents. Anxiety and anger at her mother, as a rule, girls are forced out. She may feel some discomfort, but do not understand its cause, and certainly not to communicate with the fact that her daughter takes her place in the family system.
Why is not my place?
Because psychologically for the mother, she is not his daughter.
A is her mother. Mother to his mother.
When the daughter regrets comforts, he advises an infinitely mom how to live, worried about her, mad at my mother's husband (my father) that the mother hurting, suffering, when the mother is bad - it is conditionally adopts his mother. It rises above her, stronger than her.
Only it becomes in reality and in his imagination. In reality, she is a young girl, which is necessary to deal with their lives, to solve problems peculiar to her age. But to solve these problems does not remain any forces - all the energy drained on experience for my mother.
Very often this is not really the daughter of close friends. They simply have no place in life (as, indeed, and a man), because the place of a loved one busy mother figure. The logic of such a - a friend and a man can betray. They will never accept it for what it is, completely. Conflicts are inevitable with these people. It is quite another thing - my mother. It is one hundred percent love takes. She can be trusted and are not afraid of loneliness. But then the daughter is very scared that my mother something happens and this girl is left alone. No one wants. Alone with the cruel, merciless and unjust world. Left without the mother's presence is very difficult.
Even if an adult woman is closer to 30 years realizes that her mother takes up too much space in your life, then break the relationship is not so simple. She izvedet themselves to blame to his mother for having betrayed her and leaves. Daughter will see my mother miserable, lonely, useless, helpless. Typically, the mother may have some health problems (heart, for example), and, knowing that the daughter is afraid to upset his mother, in order not to aggravate my mother's illness. The feeling of anger at her mother will be replaced by a sense of guilt, as well as their own fear of being without moral support in the event of a difficult situation.
This infernal mixture forms a vicious circle from which no escape is seen.
textbook codependency - stifling and consuming energy.
At one point his daughter to make a choice: to betray and leave the mother - or betray yourself. In the minds of the girls - these are two bad choices. Himself she recently betrays therefore already used and not so scary. But my mother did not shed a single time. This is a new experience, a dangerous one. It appears that you burn all the bridges and step into the unknown.
To some extent - it is.
This point is called separation.
When you cease to live the life of my mother, to look at her, look at her support and comfort, as well as stop infinitely regret it and listen to complaints about the father and the world at large. From this moment you learn to live an independent life. To cope with their emotions, fears, complexes independently or finding temporary support in others.
Although the concept of time with any external supports have such daughters have problems. After retiring from under the wing of a real mother, she may look for a psychological mother in others - most often in a partner. From the man she will wait for the same emotional care, acceptance, a sense of unity, and that my mother used to be.
At this stage of love is somehow rolls, but in the long-term relationship a woman disappointed in a partner, and with melancholy thinks that mom was right - men are traitors and tyrants, and the only close person who will not betray - it's mom.
But it is a sad version, although the most common. Ideally - a woman who leaves her mother alone to cope with their feelings of guilt and helplessness, fear and loneliness, finally becomes a strong, free, adult.
She is convinced that the world is what it is, no one is obliged to love you just for the fact of your existence. What people are busy with themselves and their problems themselves are looking for support and support, and if someone offers you persistently psevdoroditelskuyu custody and care - that is no reason to rejoice and to grab the man, and a reason to think - what are you going to pay for this care.
There comes a time when the mother says daughter - my mother, I love you very much and I appreciate everything you've done for me. You gave me a lot, I'm grateful for that. But now I have grown and I have my own life, and I need to force it to implement their plans, dreams, projects, to create their own family, to give birth to their children. Loving their children and caring for them, I can give something back to you. The love with which you raised me, my children will be transferred. You'll always be my beloved mother, and I ask you to bless me on my happy woman's fate. Such simple words sometimes hard to tell, but it is very important. Especially while my mother was alive. And then you need to live your life. Relying more on themselves, their strengths and resources, there is an opportunity to establish relations in all areas of your life - both personal and professional, and others.
But for this it is important to leave my mother alone and realize that it is all you have given for a full life. Mother their problems inherent in her personality and age, it is to cope with them, she was an adult, and you have - your task. Each of you need to grow and develop. Together but independently.
And then - you walk by herself.
First, the touch, and then more and more confident.
But in its own way that you choose yourself.