Depression in parting. Part 1: Separation as the loss of a valuable relationship
The relationship that we have built a close emotional bond, are particularly valuable for us.
Not every is ready for such a loss, many people do not know how to survive on their own break meaningful relationships and not to fall into a protracted depression.
Now you are one / one.
The world fades and fade the old paint. Nothing that once brought you pleasure and joy, no longer attracts and pleases. No one else you do not need. In the soul intolerable pain, and in my head some questions:
- "Why did he / she do / while?"
- "How to survive the separation?"
- "What should I do to pain is gone?".
Why hardly experienced the rupture of relations?
The destruction of a meaningful relationship is always experienced as a loss. And when we talk about the loss, it immediately appears to the death of a loved one. In our society, it is assumed that only this loss is worth it to her to live, to mourn, and generally spend time on the transformation of the pain associated with the death of a loved one.
In this connection, relationship break may seem to you not so important loss, worthy experiences. In the end, all were alive and life goes on! However, when one partner leaves the relationship, the relationship itself cease to be. In this case, the loss of a loved one has a set of its own losses.
Case study. Ilya, 29 years old. He asked for advice in connection with the fact that hardly experienced a break with the woman with whom he met for about a year. The woman before meeting had a long relationship with a married man (3 years), from whom she had a child (one year old son). Two weeks ago, after the request woman man announced that he was leaving his former. A fragment of the session.
R (the client): I do not understand what was happening to me - I can not eat, do not sleep. I constantly think about it. And I used to be a girl, but I am always with them easily parted. Yes, I could pohandrit couple of weeks, but then forgot. And now - it is constantly in my head all day just thinking about it. I want to forget it, throw out of my head. What should I do?
R (psychologist): And what is the relationship, in your opinion, are different from your previous relationship?
R It is not like those others. It fits me perfectly. The first time I really loved, believed her. We were good together, we have always and everywhere been together. I do not understand why she did?
R You are angry with her? For what exactly?
R Yes, I'm angry. How could she erase everything that happened between us ?! I helped her when she was gone from the former, leaving her with a child. He did not concern it, come only when he wanted to, and was never going to leave his wife. He just used it. I told her that "it does not cost you," supported her. And she kept saying to me that I am grateful and wants to be with me. I can not believe that she did it to me !!!
R Now her act seems incredible to you, but it has taken a decision and left you. You have the right to be angry at her for it. It did hurt you, breaking your relationship. I understand your feelings. A year is a long time to get used to a person, and during that time the relationship became significant and important to you. And I would be in your place, I felt offended because my efforts have not been evaluated. R This is how it is. I even took her child and tried to be a real father to him. Although I was not easy to do so. After all, I was not yet ready for fatherhood, and then immediately - for you, year-old child! We lived together for six months - I, she and her child - and almost did not quarrel. The only place where we could swear - that's how I was brought up by her son. Perhaps I was too strict with him. But understand, I tried to bring him a real man, wanted to teach discipline. Maybe somewhere and go too far.
R Now you seem to blame yourself? You associate your relationship with the child with the decision of a woman to get away from you. Are you really so bad were treated to a child, it could become a reason for a woman to break your relationship?
R No, of course not. He's a great kid, and in general we got along well. Yes, we had her disagreements about certain aspects of education, but no more. Rather, she just did not love me. All the while she continued to love the former, and as soon as he was back on the horizon - rushed to him. And I'm about to propose to her, he wanted to marry her.
R You saw it as his future wife?
R Yes, I wanted her to be my wife, and we have given birth to another baby. I was already thinking about options like us to buy their own apartment. After a year, I think, I would be able to raise money. I wanted it all to do with it. Why am I going to work? For what? Why do I do this life? I do not know how to live without it ?!
All of us involved in the relationship, and each of us at least once in their life experienced a separation. But when some break off relations, we feel miserable. Especially if the care with which we have formed a close emotional connection. Relations with a loved one gives us not only a sense of emotional closeness, but also create affection for him / her. The more we open, let in another person in his inner world, the more important it becomes for us, and the stronger the attachment we feel toward him.
After all, this man you were able to create a unique relationship, a relationship that does not look like any other one in your life. You spent a lot of time with him / her, opened up to each other, we shared what was dear and important to you, to build together a plan for the future. You have identified this man among many others, invested in the relationship and they become part of your life.
Parting breaks the thread that connects you with those with whom you have left. At one point, you lose the affection, the feeling that you are not alone / on in this world. Together with this person, you lose all that important, that connects you to him - the general plans, hopes and dreams of a happy future together, the overall experienced moments of joy and sorrow.
And the more "general" you have created, the stronger you have attachment to this man, that is impossible to break in a moment. For intimacy in a relationship, we pay their vulnerability. Accordingly, the more intimate, meaningful to you had a loved one, the more noticeable it will be for you a loss of the relationship.
Any person who has created a strong attachment, it is difficult to reconcile with its rupture. The extent of the value of the lost relationship affects the depth of the flow of the mourning process in humans. This process involves a certain inner work, which is necessary to identify yourself time and place, to provide themselves with the support people on whom you can rely on today. During this period, it is important not to deal with their feelings, and afford otgorevat loss, mourn the loss of valuable relationships for themselves. You must say goodbye to his unfulfilled dreams and hopes of sharing a happy future, to get used to the idea that this person is no longer there for you, to learn to live without his presence in your life.
This is the mourning process helps heal the wound with the loss of a valuable relationship. This allows you to assign experience loss of relationships, to draw important conclusions for themselves, audited their life values. After that naturally restores the passage of time and the man goes back to his normal life.
In the next section we will look at depression after a breakup can occur under any circumstances
and how to avoid it.