As the opposite effect or can not be maintained

Support is different,

, and it is individual.

Someone just call on the phone to talk and to hear a sincere "I'm with you."

Someone will pass through the city, close to present a simple hug.

For another, it is important to a particular part of action to solve the problem.

Each decides what form to give and receive support.

And yet there are words that are meant as support, but actually cause the opposite effect.

I share my personal list (you have it can be your own).

1. "Hold on!"

Whatever it wanted to tell the other person, but to me it means that I need to further tighten and endure. As the saying goes, "there is no money, but you will stay." The first reaction - anger, regret that I shared challenge and the desire to complete the communication. And even slips the idea that people used to see me on the positive, and to the "negativity" somehow not ready.

This series relates the call "to suffer." Here I just want to send, at least mentally.

2. "What's that, now I have (my friend)!"

Maybe you want to support, and at this point, but in fact only devalues ​​what is happening and deprive the rights of another person to worry as it is experienced. Frustrated, angry, sad, offended - this is his condition now, no more and no less.

Words from the series "nothing wrong", "no pasa nada" or absolutely rigid "no hagas un drama" ( "do not dramatize!") - it does not support, and the desire to get rid of the uncomfortable is now the interlocutor. And here I would have carried quite an extreme option, when a person is invited to go to an orphanage (preferably Russian) or remember about starving children in Africa. Such people are best to send to the garden immediately.

3. "And I thought you had (have) everything is good ..." (if we are talking about relationships)

When I hear those words, my problem suddenly becomes even larger and heavier, but I do more bitter and bitter ... and just want to say: "Well, I'm sorry, if you destroy your ideal image of me." I feel good today, tomorrow - it is bad, and the next day - again good. That's life. One does not cancel the other, but simply follows him. There is nothing worse draw the line and make conclusions just because of a single event.

4. "You just have to ..."

The following is a list of tips that, according to the interlocutor, you just need to execute, and the problem will be solved by itself. Often, this sin of man and lovers walk the "white coat". I do not know about you, but to me unsolicited advice from getting worse. In addition, this method only cultivates helplessness.

5. "Everything will be fine!"

If only uttered these words, and concrete assistance to people in danger of not suggest there is a feeling that from you just want to get rid of. The formal way to support without the participation and presence can only strengthen the sense of loneliness and helplessness

On the one hand, perhaps it is more logical to say: "Ah, what are all heartless, even support really can not!". And on the other - I understand that it is my and only my responsibility to declare what type of support I need. What is it I'm waiting on you, now when I feel bad and lonely. What kind of words, actions. You choose yourself whether you can give it to me or not. And it's my responsibility to stop you if your words do not give the force, and vice versa.

For myself, I realized that the most important support - is the presence and the division. When the other person is just next door, not saying anything special. It has enough power to be right now in this moment with you. To breathe, to hear your feelings and just be. And I can safely divide their stress and frustration, knowing that it will not be discounted or ignored. With such sincere presence of a heavy burden at least for a time, but it becomes easier.

If you see a loved one in a difficult situation, and want it to be felt your support, not speculated on how best to do this, and ask: "What can I help you today?".

Do you dare to ask this simple question, or hide in the usual clichés, you decide.