How to heal the children's trauma? Methods Susan Forward

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So what exactly Susan Forward offers?

1. Realize that forgiveness of the parents do not need to. Why? Because "forgiveness is fundamentally undermines our ability to release repressed emotions", and above all, such as anger, fear and resentment.

We all my life drove them deeper and further. And forgiveness means that we do not pull out them out, and they will remain deep within us and will continue to torment us, and we do so and will continue to hate themselves. Why? Because there is always someone who is responsible for what happened. As a child, we basically could not withstand the parents, our lives depend on them, so we have tried to justify them and felt guilty for what is happening themselves. If we are not given the responsibility for the violence against parents is now - means, continue to carry on its own, and that it will continue to act destructively upon us.

So the first step on the path to inner freedom - is the recognition that the responsibility for the violence, which is manifested to us by our parents, lying on them.

2. Next you need to go first to their beliefs (destructive behavior and lifestyles of our parents, we have formed in childhood inadequate, destructive beliefs and ideas about themselves, about the world and people), then - on the consequential feelings of and finally to establish their connection with our reactions and our way of action.

How to heal the children's trauma? Methods Susan Forward

Susan to help us lead the list of the most common beliefs and feelings in the parent-child relationship, which is an indicator of our emotional dependence on their parents, and the relationship between these beliefs / feelings and our behavior proposes to establish with the help of the union "because".

Example: "I feel guilty when I do something that causes inconvenience to my parents, because I should not (should not) say or do something that might hurt their feelings."

3. But now you can do self-determination. That is, you can begin to learn to live and act according to their goals, needs and interests, not of the objectives, needs and interests of the parents. This does not mean that it is necessary to tear a relationship with them: You can be both a part of the family, the individual and independent - are not mutually exclusive things. And it does not mean that you should not care about the feelings and opinions of parents; but it does mean that we should not give them to spit on our feelings and opinions.

How to do it?

  • to learn not to react automatically to what we hear and see, and make response. What is the difference? In the first case, there is no consciousness, but a habit that gives parents power over us. In the second, we already have a choice. So before you say anything or do in response, should stop at least for a few seconds to realize what is happening and what we feel. After realizing his feelings to us it will be important not to let them push us to impulsive actions, but to be able to make informed responses. Learn to be responsible, without the protection, not defensively, without proving their point of view, without effort to ensure that we understand (otherwise, we again give the aggressor power over us). Susan wrote that, "if you meet are not protected, you may not ask for anything, and the one who nothing asked, no one can deny nothing." And then she was helping us give examples of similar verbal response: "You can think what you want," "I'm sorry you do not agree," etc.
  • ..

  • states its position (it also reduces the level of automaticity in our actions) - what we think about this particular, what is not willing to go, what compromise is possible for us.
  • Replace the word "can not" to "not yet." Example: "I still can not stand up to his parents 'instead of' I can not stand up to his parents." Agree: seems to be a simple replacement of words, and because the phrase is not already sounds categorically - as a sentence, which is not subject to appeal. On the contrary, we seem to get a chance for change. Before us the hope that we can make a difference in the future.

4. The next step - is a confrontation with the parents. If we have done all the steps slowly, thoroughly, then at some point in this confrontation ourselves internally ready, although at the very beginning it seems impossible and terrifying and never for that.

To prepare for a confrontation with her parents and be able to sustain its consequences, Susan advises to start to write a letter to each of them with the mandatory prescription of four points:

1) "This is what you did to me / done";

2) "at the same time I felt / I feel the next";

3) "like this happened affected my life";

4) "I want you done / to act in the future as follows:" (ie obgovarivayem conditions further communication).

These letters can be rewritten many times as necessary until we say what we wanted and how we wanted.

How to heal the children's trauma? Methods Susan Forward

If we were exposed to in childhood incest, Susan also recommends to write letters, and in this order:

1) an aggressor;

2) a letter to the other parent, who pretended that this aggression does not notice or does not really know about it;

3) letter of today's adult traumatized child from the past;

4) letter of the tale, which in allegorical form should tell the story of his life (it helps to look at your life from the outside, to see it is not only bad, but also good, and reduce the level of injury).

In my opinion, these letters can write any injured adult as a child, not just the one that was subjected to incest. Rewrite them and can also be too many times as you need to fully express themselves.

While working on the letters to the courage in front of confrontation, these letters can be read aloud to themselves or to the people we trust. In the future, the final versions of these letters can be sent to parents (then confrontation will be less traumatic for us, but would still be painful).

But you can not send them, and say what we have written, parents in person (if we meet with each of them separately, it will also be less traumatic, although still difficult). Since the option of confrontation face to face much more stress, the content of the letters, you can try to learn: it will help us withstand this difficult test.

How to heal the children's trauma? Methods Susan Forward

In the book, Susan tells in detail about what you'd expect from such a confrontation, it can pass and what it can cause. But no matter how this confrontation may be, the result will definitely be positive for us. Why?

  • When we describe yourself and your parents the truth about his life, the first time we actually see our fear in the eye and thereby deprive parents force upon us.
  • We will cross through your fear in front of them, overcome themselves.
  • We will make what used to be considered impossible under any circumstances, and it has only one win. As a result, the fear of parents finally cease to control us.

So let's go!