How to survive a divorce? conduct strategy
Of course, divorce divorce discord: there are situations in which this step - emotional and not always informed decision. Maybe time. I met a couple who had married twice and divorced three times. On each other.
It happens that a divorce - not that other, as a betrayal, a stab in the back, when the pain is sharp, strong and unexpected. For other couples divorce - the best we can do at this stage of the relationship, and they flock to the registry office to sign the documents.
Sometimes family breakdown begins almost with the marriage, and the completion of the legal relationship is experienced almost as a holiday. And it happens that a divorce - this is a real feat ...
Be that as it may, such decisions are never wanting. Because from a psychological point of view of divorce - is always loss. Each participant loses something: a loved one, the dream of a family, a house, ideals, their way of life, and perhaps boring ungrateful man, but always - spouse. Therefore, in case of divorce in the psyche of the same processes as in the experience of grief.
The answer to the question "How to survive a divorce", of course, much depends on the circumstances: who made that decision, how do you plan to solve the problem with housing and / or children, where the relationship started, how many years have lasted, etc. But there are times.. common to the majority of people involved in this difficult situation.
1. I - the first letter of the alphabet divorce
The first thing to do - is to take care of themselves. It does not matter, you go away, go away from you, or both of you have come to the decision to break. Now nothing is more important to your emotional state is not and can not be! We can survive any grief if we have the support. Here is what you need and organize themselves. Put in a known (or even on the ears) of acquaintances, friends and relatives who can support you. Tell them that now you will not accept their advice or conviction that you are already bad, and the best thing they can do - just to be sensitive to your state. Just remember to carefully choose those who may be sensitive and supportive. The rest - the forest, and then talk to them.
Support can and should exert themselves more independently. Someone helps the church, the nature of someone, someone movies, someone change of scenery. The latter is especially important, if after the divorce you stay in a shared apartment: urgent change bedding (because there is the smell of a loved one, and it smells evoke memories of the greatest number), rearrange the furniture. Change all that can change.
If there is such an opportunity - to urgently leave on vacation, preferably with a close friend or a girlfriend. Now it will be the best investment. The worst thing you can do at this stage - is to deprive yourself of support.
Unfortunately, many people are ashamed of divorce than the currently cool to complicate an already difficult period. Please, take care of yourself! All the same, everyone will know, and shame in this is nothing. It is not always necessary to keep a marriage, and certainly not at any price.
2. Limit the communication and give vent to emotions
Depending on how it took place the so-called "emotional divorce" and how much earlier divorce law he arrived, grief work process can go our separate ways. Stage of divorce experiences can be mixed with each other, to go in a different order, lag behind - in a word, it is the individual stories. The general rule is: you are on the emotions is no good nareshal main task is to take revenge or to return the marriage at all costs and not to divorce the most civilized and safe for all family members. Therefore, it would be with you no matter what happens, no matter how the process went divorce - give yourself and your partner time "cool".
When it is time to resume the dialogue? When it turns out that in addition to divorce and personal life with a specific person in the world has yet something very valuable and interesting. When will be held resentment / anger and a sense of acute bitterness from what you have been treated unfairly.
It is - about the total. And now a little about the particulars
It happens that one of the pair is "stuck" on one of the stages of mourning. For example, the auction step. In this case, the formal side of the issue all the more delayed, because the partner or by crook trying to find some way to save the marriage. It can be manipulated and children, and the demonstration of its "goodness" and appeal to the "noble" feeling (pressure on self-pity, asking for help and support), and delay, and attempts to show how much he loses. In short, man is struggling to cope with the situation, subordinate it to their control, to escape from the terrible powerlessness.
And it happens that almost ex-husband is "stuck" to the anger stage. Then he comes up with plans for revenge, threatened, pursued, dissolve gossip. This is also a part of the separation process. Its essence is that the man was able to let go of the situation, and the former spouse. Great anger helps us to discount the fact that it is important and valuable, and in addition gives a lot of strength to sever ties. In other situations, aggression is not directed to the partner, but for themselves, and then the man "drowned" in the sense of guilt, in the experience of its own imperfection. Sometimes reaches and various forms of self-punishment, both conscious and unconscious (self-destructive behavior, physical and mental diseases, risk tolerance, and so forth.).
If your ex-partner is almost stuck on some of the steps to do something with it, you can ... absolutely nothing. He is now inadequate, accept it as a fact. His emotions overshadow the mind, because it is very painful. Stop all contact with him even for a few months. Otherwise, your communication (any!) will only exacerbate his condition.
What to do?
Divorce, like any loss, you need to not only survive, how to live. Yes, to be in this - is unpleasant, painful, painful, sometimes unbearable. And there is a huge temptation to escape from those feelings. For example, in a new relationship. This is the most favorite trap us - shut your feelings, to pretend that they are not.
And come to the aid of such a phenomenon: relationship-patch. These are the relationships that arise immediately after the break with the previous partner. As a rule, they do not last for a long time (years patch does not hold), because of their function - to close the wound until it is delayed. It is a way to cope with the parting, plunging in their grief one more person, distract yourself with new experiences. The problem is that it is impossible to be in a new relationship, until your soul is bound to a previous mate. No matter what she was tied - love, anger or bitter offense. But if you still touches the life of your now former spouse, if you follow his (her) life - then you are still there. Of course, someone else this man will never be, but if some memories or events from his new life you much concern, the separation process is not yet complete.
What else read on the subject?
How to survive the separation? Give sorrow to work!
How to survive a divorce?
How to live a woman after a divorce?