7 recipes against fear
The excitement of the first meetings, the uncertainty, the first night together, unfamiliar rules of living together ... Relationship - one of the most important areas of human life, and therefore they are associated with many of our anxieties and doubts. For women, a personal relationship, as a rule, are at the top of the hierarchy of values, but are subject to alarms and men, especially those who are used to keep the situation under control: their experience and logic does not help too, where we are talking about feelings. Normally, when a person feels anxiety and even fear of close relationships, but when these feelings are too strong, they can be fatal for the couple. Svetlana Krivtsov offers a look into our fears - because the better we know them, the easier they will be to overcome.
1. Introduction: to call or not call?
Their first meeting has already taken place. And now she is going through, "he call or not call? Suddenly I said something unnecessary, did something wrong, "It is to the handset pulls like a magnet, but the soul is restless:" What if she does not wait for my call? Maybe she does not like it? "
Svetlana Krivtsov - existential psychotherapist, author of several books; one of the last - "How to find agreement with himself and the world" (Genesis, 2004).
Fear not like to be not up to par - these are very common fears related more to our personal experience, rather than with the initial phase relationship. What was he like? If a person already once experienced a severe pain due to the fact that it was rejected, it will be overflowing with mixed feelings: fear of a new pain and the need for love and warmth. Because of this "sitting inside" the fear is difficult to objectively evaluate yourself and partner, and the situation. Often, especially in their youth, they enter into a relationship actively and desperately - they do not give rest to some unconscious deficit of something very important. A lack of respect, recognition (it was not enough by parents). Others do not have enough heat (their little loved in childhood). Big boys and girls, have already changed and pohoroshev physically stored in itself this deficit, as a compression spring. And enter into a relationship with varying degrees of "compactness" - that is, the fear of being deceived in their expectations. Tip: to ask yourself a few simple questions. Are people like me, no one likes, and why? In it really I do not approach this person? Why he does not fit me? Listen to their answers, and you'll notice that they differ teenage maximalism, which is already high time to leave. In addition, it is useful to learn to relax: to cease to control themselves around; understand that the unknown is usually disturbing.
2. First Night: How I can make?
Then came the key moment. She worries: "Does he want me? Whether he likes my figure, "He is one thought:" Will I be at a height "?
Intimate relationships give rise to many fears: to be "naked" not only live, but also in a symbolic sense; find that intimate communion with your partner aroused very strong feelings and we are ready to fall from his addiction, losing my freedom ... In intimate relationships flies all the masks, and the person appears before your partner for who he really is. The strength of the fears that arise before the first night, is proportional to the depth of a person of trust to himself and others. Furthermore, it is unrealistic high bar given by the literature and erotic films, where there is always a slight exaggeration - of passion, sexuality and idealized notion of "made for each other." Focusing on the ideal partners worry that they all went wrong as they were in their fantasies.
Tip: is important to remember that sexual desire is not connected with the aesthetic categories or our sophistication and experience. Appearance is important in erotic but not sexual. The first night is not critical - people need to get used to each other, including in physiological terms, and there is always a chance to catch up.
3. We meet: This is serious?
Spending time together becomes a habit. She asks herself: "Do I need a serious relationship or it may still result in just a hobby?" He could not help worry: "Will not the whole story is too burdened me?"
Partners give each other their energy and time. And, as a rule, get more than they give. All this is true, as we once did not begin to see that the balance between "giving" and "receiving" is broken: giving himself to another, each can be either too stingy or too generous. Any partnerships involve some "scale", and if a person has a sad experience violations of their balance sheet, it will count the number of compliments and gifts, favors and sacrifices, building their behavior depending on the resulting total. Came close to a serious relationship, some may choose the flight - because of past failures, unwillingness to be tied too tightly, not ready to bear such a burden.
Tip: closeness between partners - a good foundation for a relaxing conversation. You can explore together own doubts: whether the future of our relationship? What? It is very helpful to tell a partner what you expect from the relationship, and what they fear. And even more useful - to hear what he is afraid and waiting.
4. Living together: Can we get along?
They are prepared to start a life together. He - akkuratist and doubts: "I ruled the bohemian disorder in which she used to live?" She - "owl", and she is not alone: "Is it such an absolute" early bird "as they say?"
When people begin to live together, there is a fear of "destroying" the idea, which has developed for us a partner, disappoint him or disappointed yourself. Everyone is now showing its true nature, ceasing to show only their best quality. Tip: to avoid unpleasant surprises, we should not rush with the union under one roof. To get started is to spend a holiday together - in the resort, in the country or even in a field tent. A good test for the relationship can become the life of two houses: the most stable relations between the two maximum free agents who lives without a partner does not seem to scorched desert.
How do I develop a relationship in a pair of
You both Time to sum up life together from time to time: what has happened to your relationship, how they have changed, what you have achieved together? This will allow to find an answer to the main question: at what stage of the relationship we are now - are both individually and collectively? Perhaps something in your relationship will have to review, and it will not always be easy. But if the time (and regularly), ask yourself these simple questions, problems, especially severe, can be avoided.
you personally: remember the most important novels of his life. What are you afraid of then? Whether your fears are justified? Remember the times when they were able to overcome. This will help you in difficult moments of your relationship with your current partner.
5. Common Values: Equally we argue?
Friends joke he told about their last quarrel and reconciliation ... in bed. She is indignant: "How can he be so tactless to behave?"
To build a strong relationship, it's important to have common values, common views on life. In all its aspects, but in the main, what we think about children and their own parents, acceptable and unacceptable in a partnership, a career and a house, about the purpose of each of us. Fear arises when expectations are too different. Tip: before marriage, telling each other that hurts or does not like to learn to talk to each other. It is important to observe a respectful distance, to give partner to respond to the request at their own pace, to negotiate and to compromise. This is a special art, which helps to enjoy even talk about unpleasant topics.
6. Personal contribution: How will we live on?
They lived happily together year. She dreams: "It would be nice to buy an apartment ... more!" He does not want to think about it: "We were so well - why change something?"
Now is the time of choice for both. If two or more are going to carry on living together, it is necessary to build - to think about the children, about the new housing ... These two relationships suggest the appearance of a third, this is the sense of logic. The joint can be the result of not only the child, but also a project, a common home - something for which we live together. At this stage, there is a fear of the transition to a new stage, a change of priorities: need to change the way of life, less communicate with friends, parents - and this may be accompanied by feelings of guilt and even suffering.
Tip: at this stage in the relationship they need to invest ourselves and our strength to the couple was stronger in the face of life around them. It should ask yourself: Do I like our union, I believe in its future? Do I want to make our life together on and on? If the answer is yes, you need only not to retreat from their principles and continue to invest themselves in the care of your relationship.
7. A pair of veteran: I'm still scared?
10-15 years living together entirely established. She only cares for children "would have done a senior in college ... And my husband and I - thank you, it all seems to be fine." He said: "Yes? You find that my wife has changed? " The pair has found the person who set up their own story. In everyday life partners ceased to feel fear or forget about it. Now it seems that the other conquered forever, and we begin to underestimate the partner feel that he is not able to tempt other or live on their own, without us. But we are wrong. 15-17 years - a critical age for couples: children emotionally separated from their parents, and they were left to themselves. Here the question arises: a man with whom I live - this is my destiny? Not everyone is ready to answer "yes", many believe that in the future they have the chance to meet otherwise, this feeling. Longing for a great love can make people leave.
Tip: ratio paired with the experience does not become more brittle, but they are less freshness of life: all the usual, nothing causes strong feelings. A feeling similar to the swing: the move (warmer - colder) they make sense; standing in the same condition it is not. Someone has to swing the swing, and well if both partners understand this. At this stage of the relationship, much depends on the ability ... to surprise each other, to create new holidays and rituals.
- Carl Rogers. Psychology of marriage. Eksmo, 2002.
- Olga Karabanova. Psychology of family relations. Fundamentals of family counseling. Gardariki, 2006.
See also the project
16-25 years old romantic time
Join sexuality; determine what features it will acquire in the future. Each new meeting is better to know the strength of their emotions and feelings, to reveal their sexual potential. Survive a thrilling adventure ... and meet a reliable, loving man with whom you can build a strong relationship. Coping with strange and disturbing feelings; to overcome internal contradictions; to express their protest against stereotypes dictated by someone else, a stranger or someone you know. Discovering the ability to attract and seduce; to assert themselves and to value highly. Accept the need to wait, the indispensable companion of this age ...