From "I" to "we" and back

Do we need to complete the merger with a loved one? French psychoanalyst and family therapist Jean-Georges Lemaire (Jean-Georges Lemaire) believes that without this pair will not be harmonious, but needs to develop relations and detachment element.


Psychologies: How to remain yourself, when you love someone else?

Jean-Georges Lemaire: I would ask the question differently: "Is there a way to stay a while loving someone" Or even this: "Do we have the right to be yourself in a love relationship" But our " I "is not limited to our body, and the person is not given to man from birth. Its formation is influenced by many, including the relationship: what we give to others and receive from him in return, too, becomes part of our identity. Absolute independence, which is now so much to say - a myth. Of course, each of us is very important to maintain a certain measure of spiritual and intellectual autonomy, but it is not necessary to believe that this guarantee - estrangement in relations with a partner.

Nevertheless, many of us are afraid that "we" absorb "I" ...

JJ L .: A pair can not say about himself, "we", not realizing at the very beginning of the relationship that the partners always depend on each other. To form a pair requires at least a minimum degree of confluence, as it inevitably will force each of the two to reflect on the boundaries of his "I". With respect to each of us has to give the partner particle itself, taking away that he in turn invites us to return a piece of his soul. This happens even in pairs with the experience and most of all resembles a mutual "assignment" to each other due to which, in fact, formed the concept of "we". At an early stage of relations we embellish partner and dissolve in the more complete, the more we tend to idealize it. However, over time it passes, and gradually we begin to realize that this is not quite the person who comes to us in dreams. Next comes what I call "happy crisis": this fruitful period allows each partner to more clearly understand their own desires while understanding the desire to partner. Unfortunately, many couples tend to avoid possible disappointments and extend the initial illusion of unity and happiness, leisurely look at the situation critically. But to go through this painful stage and say goodbye to the illusions necessary - the only way we can establish in their relationship a certain distance, which in the future life couple periods of idealization and merger will alternate with moments of individualism and freedom. You say that you need a certain degree of merger. But why it is necessary to be dissolved in a partner?

The ability to "Dissolve" to other - Terms of sexual pleasure.

JJ L .: This is a prerequisite for a happy sexual life! Merge lovers - it repeats the archaic models, the memory of that primal joy that a man eats first in the embryo stage, and then in its infancy, when it is not set themselves apart from each other and live in a world without barriers and borders. In adulthood, the ability to completely dissolve in the partner determines our ability to experience the true pleasure of sex, to experience the joy of deep harmony with the universe, which Freud called the "oceanic feeling." It is the inability to experience this feeling faded and explained the sex life of some people.


The total personal independence - just a myth.

Why is it not possible merger period for all?

JJ L .: This is usually due to a childhood emotional traumas - such as lack of parental love. The man, who by virtue of those or other reasons not developed a sense of inner security, can not accept the fact that someone else will be able to influence it. Therefore partner love it will be perceived as an encroachment on their inner world. the context of contemporary culture, which interprets any relationship unhealthy possessiveness as a relic of the past, only reinforces this fear, which leads to a rapid depreciation of the relationship.

Do not do related to the desire of many couples to live separately?

JJ L .: Of course. The choice of such a relationship, when partners live more or less in isolation from each other - this is one of the ways to protect themselves from too close. Moreover, even when choosing a partner, we often think about the fact that sooner or later we will have to part with it. Modern society seemed to be whispering to each of us that long lasting relationships are impossible today, that this will not happen at all. We think of parting with reluctance, often doubt, but nevertheless perceive it as inevitable - though it will rock influence which is not in our power.


And what happens to couples who can not overcome the merger period?

JJ L .: They will entirely depend on each other, and it deprives a person of the possibility to dispose of themselves on their own. Not everyone is able to withstand such captivity for a long time, and in the end will still be necessary to reconsider the relationship. But the person who does not want to give up their illusion merge, will soon begin to seek a new partner than change his tactics - and as a result will require the new lover of all that which is lacking in his predecessor. Of course, this is not the best way affect their relationship. The desire to complete the merger, as well as the constant emphasis on its independence as a result leads to stagnation. A reasonable balance between the fusion partner and the periods with periods of isolation from it ensures the proper dynamic relationship, thus ensuring the continuity of the process of creation of the new and old fracture.

"The love I feel free when ..."

Polina, 42 years, Status "12 years Always! Relations in the pair has never been my fetter. With love, love my husband, I really understood what it means to be happy, when remaining a, you feel free. "

Victor, 30 years, is living with his girlfriend for three years "When she agrees with the fact that I'm not going to any holiday dinner to her parents. In these moments I feel so relieved! I feel free like never ... even if on this day I do not do anything special. Freedom for me - it is to know that I could avoid it! "

Anna, 33 years, Married four years, "When I can all talk to him, especially that worries me, or about their failures. In those moments, I feel free because I know that he did not judge, just listen and always find the words to comfort me. If I had to keep all of these gloomy thoughts, I think I would be "choked" just in their family life.