In love, they have not changed

Maryse Vaillant (Maryse Vaillant) - French clinical psychologist on education specialist and author of numerous books, the latest of which - "Comment aiment les femmes" (Seuil, 2006).

In love, they have not changed

Psychologies: How much of the modern woman is different from its predecessors?

Maryse Vaillant: Not as much as we would like. Of course, at first glance, today much of her life looks different, because incredible changed all that, with regard to the two main human incarnation - to create, produce something and to reproduce itself, the sort. The ability to control the process of conception and sense of self changed woman and her responsible for the genealogy of his family, and the nature of relationships with men. Today, when she can choose when she becomes a mother, to be someone's girlfriend or wife is far from being the same thing as before. But this freedom of choice is deceptive: the number of eggs in the female body has not increased: if you do not use them in time, it will be too late. Biological clocks are forcing women to bear children at an age when more eager to do than to breed.

The other side occurred with it a fundamental change - is its relationship with the work. She has the right to learn and have diplomas, after which seems to be right to apply for the appropriate work and level of responsibility, that is, to equality with men. But no! And these changes are deceptive: women differently recruit, they trust responsibilities smaller social status (compared to men), and the salary they have another ... In these two regions - with all the undeniable progress in comparison with the age of our mothers and grandmothers - facts obstinately they say that women are still not equal to men.

In love, they have not changed

And how it is manifested in the relationship within the couple? M. .: In love, more than in any other area of ​​our lives, women do not behave as equal to men, as if at a deeper level, there is a certain asymmetry between us. Why are strong, independent, free women, who have all the intellectual and psychological capabilities to be equal to men, continue to reproduce the archaic model of subordination? What do they do for you? What female pleasure then hidden again this patriarchal model is so effective and continues to operate? Are they victims of some external forces, such as biology or the men themselves?

I would venture to suggest that they were the victims of the elements that originate in them is themselves. In romantic relationships is often a vulnerable woman she is waiting for a man, that he literally fill it with happiness, giving all the love in the world. In other words, she is waiting for him the same thing a little girl waiting for his father. Woman imagines man strong and powerful, possessing all that longs to each person, namely the phallic, family and social power, which is based on the harmony of her life as a child. At the family hearth she, trying to imitate the mother gives a man gratitude and trusting love, promising endless possibilities and unlimited freedom. But if this idealization of his father related to the Oedipus complex, does not go with the onset of adolescence, a woman's risk transfer these feelings to the man of her life, waiting for him, that he finally made her a "real woman."

You want to say that in love we are acting in the same way that our mothers and grandmothers?

M. .: Yes. Despite the evolution of society, the logic by which loving relationships are built, still seems to me, it corresponds to the scheme described by Freud in the XIX century. Man-father "exemplary head of the family", which enjoys prestige in the community, an unbreakable support the family, the media and the generic name of the guardian of family honor, politically and professionally active and economically - the only breadwinner of his wife and children. The woman - the wife and the "mother of the family", prolific and subordinate, not to engage in politics. she gets from his father under the protection of her husband, who will from now on dispose of her property, and her life. This patriarchal model can explain the behavior of modern women and in love. The impression is that the image of the father, this exaggerated model of male power, remains in effect. Very often, the desire for self-realization of women and their vital quest still definitely suggest a man. It can be a father, son, husband, boss - the one who has the power. Female weapon has long been known - to seduce, dominate, submit, and to conquer. Of course, to our great joy, it's not all. Even today, the vast majority of women live like this.

In love, they have not changed

Do not be confused as a woman, a psychologist and feminist, that we are still within the Freudian frame of reference, where the woman is defined as the non-man?

M. .: Many years irritated me his idea of ​​absence, the lack of a woman's phallic beginning. Since the identity is always formed in a lack of something, everyone - men and women - confronted with this feeling. However, Freud formulated that, as it turns out, it remains true today. We can dream of a different world order, but the reality is that the body, which distinguishes us from one another, this piece of flesh, which some have and others do not, changes everything.

However, discussion of the role of phallic start annoy me much less than the so-called woman's weakness and fragility. Women than men have two incomparable sources of power: the ability to give birth, and the ability to experience multiple orgasms. Their wisdom is manifested in the fact that they have managed to highlight his supposed weakness to extract from it a huge advantage: the absence of an explicit power they make at the expense of the psychological pleasure. They do not dominate themselves, and indirectly, through man, spouse, boss or his son.

Can you talk about that in a relationship with men to women is inherent masochism *? M. .: In the psychological pleasure that unconsciously motivates women to obey men, plays an important role Narcissism - Narcissism women who never feel any beautiful enough or young enough, but that men like these what they are. Some of them are a result of the fall in the trap of seduction becomes their destiny, because the pleasure they get, tempting, surpasses all other pleasures. Other supreme pleasure gives them masochism, which forces many women to stay in the shadow of a man, to serve and to give in to him, to this way to conquer it and to subjugate.

Although in appearance it seems that women are "tushuyutsya", in fact we are talking about the seizure of power?

M. .: Exactly. And absolute power. They control a man or erect it on the pedestal that it was easier to blame him when he drops it ... Feminine weapon - a complaints and reproaches. Such masochism allows a woman to experience pleasure mad, because the man as "other" simply disappears: no matter what his virtues and abilities, no matter what it is, most importantly - how to dispose of this woman. Some of them have more fun staying in the shadows and quietly pulling the strings, rather than taking up their rightful place in the circle of light.

Many women live according to three psychological schemes: Beauty force balances the power of money; the power of the mother of the children compensate her professional vulnerability; obeying and serving men, thus a woman gains power over him. These schemes are very stable, and besides, they bring so much satisfaction to women (as, indeed, and the men, whom they are also beneficial), which will exist for a long time. And those women who are free from these schemes and do not tend to the unconscious power over men, one way or another to pay for it. Most often, that they remain single. If a woman does not meet the generally accepted criteria of femininity - seduction, fragility, sensitivity, motherhood - that there are few fans of her special kind of beauty. This is true for those who openly shows his intellectual power, or lust for power. As for the women who came out of the child-bearing age, and therefore become "invisible" for the male eyes, they know perfectly well what price he pays, who has ceased to fulfill replicated the media image of the eternal feminine.

It seems that love in a relationship do you see for quite a small place?

M. .: Not at all. Women who value powerful men, as well as those who devote themselves to his son, boss or husband, can they truly love. Love - is a mixture of idealization of the partner, needs to dominate it, sexual desire, possession, dedication ... But I can not overlook the worth of all these strong psychological satisfaction. It acts as an unconscious opposition of public installations. See, for example, how many of us around the women with higher education (and not one), smart and independent, who refuse to careers for child rearing. Society does not need to cost the women's work and is ready to "return" them to the traditional place to the plate and the children. Some women subconsciously go for it and not only does not suffer from this situation, but also find in it confirmation of his deepest desires - and so realize themselves.

It turns out that the persistent struggle for equality feminists did not help women to overcome traditional patterns of behavior?

M. .: Unfortunately, it is. You can not move away from the usual schemes through collective struggle; every woman should do their own personal way to make your choice. The influence of patriarchal culture is so strong that you have to pass through it to get rid of it. Hidden matriarchy existed always, thousands of women held sway in the family of her husband and children. There was always the power of women, hiding behind the backs of men; I have always been women who smoked pipe, which in a way emancipated, freed from the pressure of public morality ... Today, some young women are very uninhibited sex life and choose their own men. But, although the methods of pairing changed, the goal remains the same! We continue to remain within the framework of the archetypal model of the relations between men and women. Underweight in politics is compensated by a margin of a family, and this is happening for centuries. While women will bear children, nothing will change. But if I ever will create an artificial uterus, to which men and women are equal, there will be a completely new humanity.

* Sexual satisfaction with physical or mental suffering caused by sexual partners.