Long road towards
We want to return to childhood
Often our charges due to the fact that we continue to feel the children. We demand attention from their parents, believing them responsible for their failures.
Afford blame them
Unhealed wounds generate sadness, frustration, a sense of humiliation. Realizing in what we reproach the parents, you can begin to live differently.
Cease to idealize the parents treat them as normal people with their advantages and disadvantages - it helps us grow and feel better about themselves.
Ekaterina Mihaylova - a psychotherapist, professor MGPPU, author of over 70 scientific and popular publications, several books, a leading author column in our magazine.
Psychologies: "Take your parents" - what does it mean?
Ekaterina Mihaylova: In general, take the parents - means to understand the circumstances of their lives, especially their education and relations between them, details of the work, their successes and failures outside the family circle - all that constitutes the life of man . It's not so simple because the parents for us - especially mom and dad. Take - then turn around to face them, to see them in a variety of roles, not only in the parent. Only open to them the identity of the interests, demands, aspirations unrelated to our lives, we will be able to take some of their features, even those that do not suit us or get angry.
That is to take - is to cease to want to be different?
E. M .: Absolutely. This means to take them for what they are. Abandonment of the ideal image of the parent - such, we would like to have - allows us to come to terms with his real way. But this process is not always associated with the reunification: sometimes it happens that a person can take their parents only if sees them rarely or after their death, that is, when they are not able to him more "harm". Is there any particular period in life when we are most ready to change their attitude towards them?
E. M .: Such periods can be a lot, because for the life of me, and not just us and our parents. It can not be done only in early childhood: the child does not care about those aspects of life moms or dads who do not have a direct relation to it, they are simply not interested in him. Most of us begin to treat loyal to their parents after themselves faced with life's difficulties. Then may come an understanding: "That's what my mother felt when advised me that." But this is not always the case. Often, adult children towards their parents even more adults there is a feeling of irritation when they are farming their own way - go, for example, a distant wholesale market, to buy a kilogram of apples to three rubles cheaper than the store next door. Children see in such behavior reproach that they are not taking care of their parents, and consider it unfair. "For them, the main thing that I felt guilty!" - often they say. Although, if you think about it, this behavior is the senior most likely just a habit dictated by education and time. It is important to ask yourself the question: why am I so angry? Is it because I feel sorry for his mother, which is wound through the city, or because I feel that I really do not pay her enough attention? Many of us have criticized the parents that they are not what we would like to see them, and persist in trying to change them, to reason, to shame or "get even" with them. But we always demand from their parents more than they can give us: more love, more protection, more intelligence, more originality ...
Why did we start to blame them?
E. M .: charges Period - often the first step towards the adoption. At this time, we think first of all about the wrongs inflicted on us. Although some people did not seem to feel resentment, they got used to it, because as a child by adults only saw abuse. Someone hard to express these feelings, because he was from an early age inspired respect for the parents. Someone Mom and Dad struggled to give a happy childhood, and now it would be indecent to them than any reproach. But when we are offended by their parents, we are with them internal dialogues, which means that it is not so bad: we loved and largely accepted, but false belief, unfair penalties, nepodarennye gifts - everything that is still It hurts us - were just an exception. Should I express criticisms parents?
E. M .: Feeling the need to tell parents about their grievances, it is necessary to ask ourselves: why do I want to do this? I hope that I will better understand; I want them to feel guilty or feel the same pain as I ... Reply Statement to be honest: Did this conversation improve our relationship? And then make a decision. Sometimes, instead of pouring out his anger on parents, it is better to throw out the feelings on paper or talk about them a psychologist.
But very often, we just want attention and draw their reproaches to loving parents, hoping that they may hear, and we regret! We take offense at them largely because they refuse to recognize ordinary people and believe that they can be extraordinary (and why should not behave this way, so to speak to us, something required of us ...). Taking them, we abandon the ideal. This feeling is similar to what we feel when we first understand that Santa Claus does not exist, that the other person (our partner, child, mother or father) has features that are alien to us. When we are not trying to re-more than his father and mother, we grow.
And thus, if separated from them?
E. M .: As a young man, we do a lot in order to not sound like a mom or dad (especially parents of your gender). The realization that I was not only "an apple from an apple-tree", as an independent tree, let the same garden, often comes to us when we realize how much like their parents ... And when we can think about it without hostility, irritation but at the same time and without pride, to understand that in spite of the similarity of both we and they - their own, individual personalities, and this point is that we are ready to accept them. But this is possible only when we act consciously, rather than simply trying to maintain an artificial world. Over the period of the charges should step revaluation, in which we recognize the good and bad, take into account the nuances notice extenuating circumstances. Sometimes these processes are superimposed on each other: we blame and forgive, and then blame again. Our memory is gradually "restore order" in our past: it softens the painful memories, setting off the most light. This invisible work (which We do a partly conscious and partly not) is directly related to our ability to rebuild. Does the distance to reconsider our relationship with your parents?
E. M .: moved to another city, in another country, a person can suddenly discover that she misses her father grumbling, which constantly quarreled before ... Our feelings and attitudes towards close people live a long time in our minds and we can perceive them as something unchanging, monolithic, not paying much attention to them. Therefore, the distance to a deeper understanding of them. However, this does not necessarily leave.
How do you know that we have taken their parents?
E. M .: Often we understand that hindsight: one day feel that it has become easier, we are no longer irritated, you feel liberated and confident. Suffering goes, and we think of parents with tenderness.
Daughter and mother, father and son
Boys are harder to take their fathers than girls - mothers. "When a girl says that she will be all wrong, like her mother, then this solution is half wanting to be a different mother than her own - says Ekaterina Mihailova. - Boys also tend to "compete" with the Pope is not on the home range, and in the outside world. But their rivalry can become a reason for the association. Boys are more difficult to talk with their fathers, but it is easier to do many things together. Conversation of father and son for fishing, playing football, machinery or computer may consist of interjections, but they are at this moment feel complete unity and understanding. " From that, how is the communication between parents and children, depend on the number of accusations. As a rule, fathers and sons rarely talk to each other about their feelings, and mother and daughter are doing it more often. Accordingly, the girls more reason to reflect and articulate their grievances, and they are often blamed mothers. But the ability to make these accusations and discussion of the relationship can improve understanding between them. M. S.
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The Institute of group and family psychology and psychotherapy Tel .: (495) 917-8291, www.igisp.ru