Do not avoid sensitive issues
The main ideas of
- Proceed with General activity combines: a joint solution of important problems for the pair is favorable for establishing communication between the partners.
- View by If you observe their own behavior, and you can understand the behavior of a partner with due care, which prevents confidential dialogue.
- Talking about their desires straight sincere attitude toward themselves and others will not hide from the problem, but to discuss what really excites both.
Anna Varga - family therapist and author of "Systemic family therapy" (Speech, 2001).
Psychologies: Some couples complain: "We have nothing else to talk to." What happens between these partners?
Anna Varga: Most likely, in their communication had many dangerous those discussions which lead to conflicts. Unconsciously trying to avoid them, the partners are less talking to each other. They always put themselves at the inner censorship: if I start talking about it, later experienced the frustration, disappointment, so it is better to keep silent. This situation increases the distance between the partners. A rally them are a common cause or a problem, they will decide together if each of the two will be able to evaluate the participation of another, in the relationship will increase the credibility and perhaps the couple will be able to talk about what previously did not dare to speak.
What makes us blind to the difficulties instead of immediately discuss them?
A. .: Often we choose the tactics of behavior out of fear to face misunderstanding or denial. The fact is that in any act of communication are so many layers of any message hidden subtext, and behind it - is another. For example, a wife may say to her husband: "You're doing a little child." Subtext: "You're a bad father." The subtext subtext: "I - a good mother." On the husband can answer: "You still will not let me deal with them." Subtext: "You do not know what I'm a father, because you have not had a chance to check it out." The subtext subtext: "You are - a bad mother." Thus, pronouncing the sentence, the wife actually says: "At the moment, I see myself as a good mother" - and receives from her husband's denial: "I see you so bad!" This is a blow to self-esteem. Therefore, starting a conversation, each spouse unconsciously waiting for painful injections and trying to protect themselves from these experiences, comes to the conclusion that it is better to remain silent.
What can we do to a problem situation is not "frozen" in a constant silence?
A. .: It is important to not only control their experience, but also learn to see myself from the outside. Some people prefer not to think about their behavior, deny the difficulties in communication, do not discuss them, for fear that word would make them vulnerable. This habit of turning against the partners themselves, because everything that we deny at some point comes to the surface. It should say to the partner: "When we talk to each other all the time we arrive at the same final - let's think about why this is happening." It is important to understand that the partner can not take such a dialogue and, in response, perhaps you will hear: "If not for you, we would have all turned out." When the communication is really difficult to establish, it is necessary to turn to professional help.
But it is not easy for everyone to accept this idea ... How to convince your partner to come to the consultation?
A. .: Display own helplessness, tell me honestly: "I find it hard", "help me." In this case, your partner is in a safe situation for themselves: it is for you to help, with the assurance that he will not criticize. Working with a psychologist changes the style of communication, the relationship of the pair. But it is not always easy to close people accept these changes continue to respond to the same. And it's worth, in spite of everything, to continue to behave "in a new way" - and after a while your partner is to you "tighten."
How men and women differ from each other in the construction of the conversation?
A. .: Women often accuse men that are, to put it mildly, laconic. But the point is not so much in gender differences, but in the nature of specific partners. For some of us it is important manifestation of their feelings (I think that understanding will not work if the partner does not pay attention to your emotional state), for others - a sense that depends on you the result of the conversation. Suppose a husband and wife co-manage the firm, discuss fire or not to fire any employee. Wife says she feels about it, she is irritated, yet sympathetic to the man ... And the husband who wants to eventually reach a consensus, asked: "So we are firing or not?" And both will be disappointed: they each other did not hear.
Do I need to tell everything about yourself?
Some believe that the favorite (th) know better about our lives all - down to the details. French family therapist Robert Neburzher (Robert Neuburger) warns against excessive frankness: "Do not talk to the partner about their sexual experiences, if only we are not talking about some serious episodes that may affect your with them sexual relations, such as your former cruelty partner or rape. If there were no problems, this topic is best treated with caution and weigh their words: sexual relations - a delicate and fragile thing. " In order not to destroy confidence in the pair, do not make the subject of the conversation and the occasional love affairs. But the important relationship for you, stay in the past, it is better to tell: it will not repeat the old mistakes and to understand what is of great importance for you and your loved one.
Is it true that men attach more importance to him, and the women - intonation?
A. .: Men use words to first express his thoughts, while women are no less serious about the tone and gestures that we accompany their speech. However, there are a lot of women, which is significantly above all content of the conversation, and men who need to hear their feelings. As for Gabby, it occurs in the stronger sex: male humanists, for example, say a lot. In general, it is important that both partners are aware of exactly how each of them relates to communication. To understand the other, first of all we should start with what to watch - and for themselves, and for others.
What matters the most difficult to discuss in pairs? A. .: The most sensitive topic, I think, traditionally dealt with issues related to the intimate life. How to learn to discuss sexual and love relationships, how to tell a partner what you are expecting from it and how you feel, how to find the right words, if it was not accepted to discuss these topics in our own families? Start a conversation with a better description of his intimate feelings - and although it is necessary to select words that in the Russian language for this purpose is not so much.
Are there any special tactics that will help facilitate the discussion of complex issues for the couple?
A. .: The conversation should be short and clear for both. Its requests to speak frankly and honestly, without going far. If you, for example, want the husband went with the child to the zoo, do not begin to speculate on whether he is a good father, and just tell him of his desire. In response, you will hear a "yes" or "no" - and it will be clear to both the result and not the complex emotional layering, understand that it will be difficult.
And if there are topics on which we should not talk at all?
A. .: Some people like to complain about the way they had been mistreated as a child: hurt his father, rejected the mother ... In the beginning of the relationship, such stories cause sympathy and tenderness, but if they are repeated constantly, the partner may arise melancholy and anger all these situations have been in the past, and he can not help. Better to ask yourself if you wish to talk about the past constantly arises, what I really want to tell their stories?
Development or Stagnation?
Life together opens up a different world and allows you to change ourselves. Everyone brings a new, adult life his childhood: the familiar roles that were played in the parental home, the way of life. Long-term close relationships are given the chance to realize these the features and learn new relationship. Thanks to a loved one, we become more flexible and freer. Laws, habits and strangeness of their (parental) family continue to influence and our partner. As the two begin to build a life together, everyone is available and its own experience and the experience of the partner. How do you know if that helps life in a pair of personal growth or, conversely, inhibits the development of each? One of the main criteria is the mobility, variability of relationships that may contain contradictions and conflicts that give a chance to build and learn to appreciate their own identity, answer the question "Who am I?". "Sheds tears in marriage has not yet spoken about the poor - says Jungian analyst Stanislav Rajewski. - In the world a lot of things on which we need to cry. Internal tragedy most evident in the fact that a man can not cry - it does not have emotions, he does not feel himself or another, as if the glass between them. This sign of stagnation in marriage - a complete lack of feeling that arises as a result of living together. This is a bad ally for the development of personality. "
Many modern couples often communicate on everyday topics, talk on the souls are rare ...
A. .: I do not see anything wrong in everyday conversation, and not at all sure that a good, stable relationship in a pair surely linked to an active dialogue. If the partners feel comfortable with each other: a walk together, cuddling, watching TV - they do not have to talk at the same time. There are people, for which consistency is not to talk, but action. They are, for example, came together in a restaurant - and it's action, joint experience, which brings them more talk.
And if one partner is enough to go through this joint experience, and another conversation is still needed?
A. .: This happens quite often: his wife, for example, can not live a minute without dialogue, and it bothers her husband. One couple comes to me for consultation, this difference is manifested very clearly: he could the whole evening to sit in the company of friends and did not say a word, and she, if she had something to tell her husband, she could not wait for the come out of the bathroom and began to shout to him through the door. Such marriages are not a drama, they just like the Union of birds and fish, which simply need to learn to understand each other. That pair succeeded wife learned to get a joint nonverbal experience, and her husband - to listen to it without irritation and even sometimes ... speaks! How important is it to live together listening to each other?
A. .: Without it, communication will not work: instead of dialogue will sound two monologues. Find out how you are able to listen to each other, simply, if his words a man remembers better than the partner's words, it is a sign that people exchange monologues. I propose to its customers a variety of exercises, for example, ask one of the partners to talk about important things for him for two minutes, and the second - to repeat the information and ask whether he understood it correctly. Then the couple swapped. This exercise is very useful for the establishment of family relationships - it can be repeated at home to better understand your partner and become closer to each other.
Have a question?
- Society family counselors and psychotherapists, t. (495) 517 7524, www.supporter.ru
- The center of narrative psychology and practice t. (8916) 730 1865, www.narrative.ru