Become a master of his destiny
- Select: Everyone (even small) accomplished choice helps us to gain control over their destiny.
- To act: To understand what we want and what they are capable, we can only in practice. The boat is controllable, when the rowing oars.
- Play: Without prejudice listening to yourself and the world, we can flexibly interact with what is happening.
destined to us from birth, and than try it to change something, it is better just to go with its flow, taking all that brings it to us and stoically enduring the loss ... If we - consciously or not - are living with conviction, we have a lot of chances to feel that life is not made up just as you want, that we are missing important opportunities do not own situation and ultimately lose our raison d'être. Who of us manages to feel a full participant, a creator of his own destiny, able to change (and change) the course of events, to turn the situation to their advantage, to build a life on your project?
"In a sense," fate "- a philosophical concept, - says analyst Mikhail Romashkevich. - But if you translate this theme to the psychology of language, it is necessary to look into the origins of what we call "fate" - in early childhood man. After all, the future relationship with life is largely dependent on whether their mother understands whether his desire is satisfied. Initially, the child develops a symbiotic relationship: he believes that his mother's face - his own face and all the feelings that come from it - his own feelings. Our "I" is born in these, the earliest relationship with the one that brought us into the light. If she truly understands the desire of the baby and can satisfy them, and then he begins to feel that it is necessary to him, and learns to build their lives based on their wants and needs. If her understanding is wrong, he will be considered the property imposed by the mother plant and will continue to build their lives in obedience to other people and circumstances. " "Such a person can be held for many years a confidence that his destiny is predetermined: family traditions, generic messages, horoscopes - agrees gestalt therapist Niphon Dolgopolov. - Most of us, in spite of the sense of inner discord rigidly adhere to a life line as long until they realize that they can influence it. " To control the destiny, you must take responsibility for what happens to us. This truth is well known, but it is necessary to open it - only if this principle will work.
"My parents died in a car accident when I was 17 years old - says 30-year-old Oksana. - When the first wave of grief receded, with startling clarity I realized that my life is the same as before, never will. Of the girls, daughters, I in one moment turned into an independent person. I had to look after itself, to make a living, think about your future. "
"We do not tend to think without reason, public relations - activities or passive - we are with their lives - said Niphon Dolgopolov. - Often the person begins to realize them in the face of strong emotions, trauma, or loss of someone from relatives. These events put us in unusual conditions, when there is no other choice but to build a life in a new way. " Each of us brings its inevitable fate tests. But they can encourage us to rethink and change their destiny.
"Getting rid of the influence of the authorities"
Mikhail Romashkevich psychoanalyst: "The first most important step - to understand it or even think about what we really want. American psychologist Erik Erikson (Erik Erikson) described the many famous people who at a young age were engaged in doing nothing absolute. They needed a period of freedom, to find yourself, to understand what they want themselves, free from the pressure values imposed by their parents, authorities, society. In addition, you must learn to relate their needs and desires with reality. If you want to build your life, you need to realize that there are circumstances that are more powerful than you and that you will not be able to change and overcome. And, on this basis, to make something that you can do. "
Risk Prefer the comfort of
"The man did not know what they have to want to, because he has only one life, and he can not compare it with previous lives or to fix it in the lives of the next" - reasoned Tomas, Milan Kundera, the novel "The Unbearable Lightness of Being "*. He despised himself for what he could not decide whether to be with the woman he loved, or stay the same. Such a model of life is not uncommon - prefer the comfort of inactivity risk to choose and make a mistake. And this inability (and unwillingness) to "live the first time", something to choose from and something to give deprives us of the most ability to decisions and actions.
"Start doing things is not easy - confirms Michael Romashkevich. - For this we need to understand the limitations of their capabilities and take not too pleasant truth that each of us are perfect, we can err and make mistakes, for which sometimes have to pay. Understanding the real possibilities deprives us of children's illusion of omnipotence. " Man floating on the river, to deal with it can not. His life is like a rough draft, which he hopes to someday be rewritten without corrections. It is difficult to realize that the only one way out: the here and now to do something that we encourage our inclinations and desires.
"Decide exactly what I want and I can manage,"
Niphon Dolgopolov, gestalt therapist: "It is necessary to answer the simple question: Do I want to be the master of your life? For something to control their own destiny, it is necessary to pay a serious price - to take responsibility for their actions. If you think about it, there are many benefits to our lives ruled by someone else: the responsibility in this case, you can pass on to parents, partners, governments ... So you should decide what I want and I can start running, and that would give at the mercy of others individuals or fortune? You need to determine what degree of responsibility I can take it upon himself to become the master of your life and enjoy it. "
Making a choice, even in the little things
"I thought for many years that I have been actively build their own life, - says 42-year-old Albina. - I have successfully studied, worked, well, I thought, was married. Epiphany came when I discovered that my husband does not feel almost no feelings nor to me, nor to his son, and my whole life is subject to the delivery of quarterly reports. After separating from her husband, I have for some time felt relieved. But I had another year to be treated for depression and work on themselves in order to begin to understand what is really what I want. "
To actively create life, we must recognize that we always have a choice. Make it all the time, even in small ways, to use every moment to study their desires - one of the major opportunities to find itself again, to get in touch with your true "I". "Our destiny is made up of small steps, and every moment of life confronts us with a choice - continues Niphon Dolgopolov. - We can live, doing what they want from us other people, society, or we consciously make choices, even in small ways, based on their desires, preferences, values, meanings, - and so are building their own destiny. "
"Interact with the world of flexible"
Marina Khazanov, existential psychotherapist: "We feel the fullness of life when we do what we like and do what we are interested. For the "Artist" are our values. For "interesting" - our addiction, craving creativity and cognition. This possibility, which are given to us by nature, destiny. They should try to realize - again and again, even if the first fails. But every little "turns" gives us satisfaction, and cost to collect it, save - this new experience then you can rely on. The world is very much willing to share with us. All that we need, there is within and around us. But often we do not see it - we live in captivity stereotypes. We need to find support in myself to flexibly interact with the world and the people who surround us. "
Find your truth
"In high school I became interested in photography, dreamed of becoming a photojournalist - says 34-year-old Michael. - But my father insisted that I entered the Law, from which he graduated himself. I learned not to work, but all these years I have had the feeling that I sit on the bank and watch as my life is passing me. The upshot was that I resigned from the company, where he worked as a lawyer and joined the cameramen courses. Such a sense of freedom and fullness of life as it is now, I have not experienced for many years. "
"The man who as a child" convinced "that adults know much better than he what he will do, what to do, trust the opinion of" experts "more than himself - explains psychotherapist Marina Khazanov. - He usually insecure, avoids making decisions, unconsciously fear that his deeds will be criticized. " But, if all the time to live with an eye for fear that our life in the eyes of others looks "wrong", we will never be able to truly surrender to the flow of his own life.
Many of us need time to understand who we really are, to understand their true potential and recognize their right to realization. Become a protagonist of his life - then begin to truly understand themselves, their desires and inclinations. And act - as far as possible, which, if you think about it, we have a lot!
* M. Kundera. "The Unbearable Lightness of Being". The ABC-Classics, 2007.