I can not tell a lie
"classmate called me recently and called for the reunion - says 34-year-old Alexander. - I did not want to go, and I did it and said. I could come up with that busy, but I can not lie, silent or say something vague. Because of this, I often find yourself in an awkward position. " In some situations, when we are talking about is not to offend or hurt another person, to hide the truth is preferable. Moreover, in a society where everyone would say what he was thinking at that moment, when he thought it would be quite impossible to live.
"I can not stand hypocrisy! I will not say my friend that she lost weight, if it is not so! "- says 28-year-old Marina. At first glance, it seems that such a position implies a clear idea of himself: "I do not back down in front of the truth, even if it is unpleasant." But in fact, often it only hides the strong negative emotions. Speak the unpleasant truth - does not mean to be frank. Sometimes it's just a kind of (often unconscious) way to "reduce their bills." "At this point, a man said to aggression, resentment or envy, and not the pursuit of truth, - explains psychotherapist Margaret Zhamkochyan. - often because people behave that much humiliated in my life. "
But there is another reason: some of us believe that they are in some way (or at all) better than others. "Their desire for love of truth gives the desire to feel (be) special, the perfect man - continues Margarita Zhamkochyan. - They feel almost my duty to point out to others to them (as they think) weaknesses. A classic example: "I'm your best friend! Who besides me will tell you the truth? "
"I'm easier to relate to lie"
Anna, 25 years, engineer
"I was only 11 years old. We returned to the parents of Baku, and they warned me: "Soon we will cross the border, the customs officer will ask that we carry in suitcases. Please be quiet, "but we bought on the market a large jar of black caviar - why you need to keep quiet about it? And so I began my career as a champion of the truth. Head Do I often ask me, have time to meet the deadline. In my best interest to answer "yes," then even if I pass the project later. However, the need to lie to confuse me, I do not want to get caught in a lie. But now I began to change ... Watching people who give false promises and come out unscathed, I decided to learn to protect themselves. I often say to myself: "If you do not defend their own interests, who else will do it?" So I try to be flexible and easier to relate to lies. I must admit that since I began to allow myself small transgressions against the truth, I was much easier to live! "
The fear to violate the
If some "whistleblowers" we meet such cruelty "truth at any cost", at the other extreme - shame those who are not able to cheat. The voice, the look, give them blush at the slightest attempt to deceive. "I do not feel at the thought that you have to hide the truth, - says 38-year-old Sonia. - I think around my obvious lie, and so I feel guilty in advance. " "Fear is a lie to say due to internal conflicts and internal restrictions - explains Margaret Zhamkochyan. - If the parents were too strict, demanding that the child was faultless throughout, then, as an adult, he will suffer every time will be forced to break the rules. But a lie - this is one of such violations. He also will not be able to console himself with the fact that there were circumstances, because it is aware of the lies as a personal choice. " Such people can sometimes accept a deception for the sake of another, but never allow themselves to use it to their advantage.
French social psychologist Claudine Bilan (Claudine Biland), based on the study of American scientists *, came to the conclusion that the truth says all of us at least twice a day ... Women - mainly because they do not want to hurt the other, but the men more likely to use a lie to manipulate. Our attitude to lies not so simple as we think. In childhood we are taught that lying is bad, and at the same time forced to pretend that we are delighted with the strange grandmother's gift. The ban on lies and falsehood training as an essential rule of social games are inextricably linked. How to be? Do not forget that in addition to repelling or self-serving lies, there lies "noble", which is almost a proof of love.
* C. Biland. "Psychologie du menteur". Odile Jacob, 2004.
What to do?
Put yourself in the other Ask yourself whether your partner wants to hear the truth? If you were in his place, it would be best for you in this situation? Do you want to hear what you look very bad? Do you really think that your partner will be useful to know about your adventures? Before you speak, try to imagine the consequences of your words, and their impact on those who are dear to you.
Do not strive to be perfect Remember that you - an ordinary man, and no one requires you to absolute truth. Do not overestimate the value of truth: to forbid myself to lie - so hold extremist position that is incompatible with human relationships, which are based on respect for others. Consider the words of Albert Camus: "I believe in justice, but first I will defend my mother, and then justice." The idea is that you should understand that the preservation of relationships with loved ones is more important than the desire to meet the ideal.