At every age its prohibitions
How to assert your authority - balanced, safely and efficiently? To get started is to give up the principle of "do as I say, not as I do". Educate - means to lead by example - with that all our experts agree. It is useless to try to establish the rules and laws that we do not observe.
The second principle - is clarity and consistency. Say "no" a hundred times a day, repeat the same thing - a thankless task. But no child learns fuzzy, ambiguous, arbitrary or vague formulated rules.
If, however, it seems that the parents themselves do not believe in the necessity of the implementation of these rules, the case will be spoiled. Another important principle - observe the location of each. The basis of the authority should be based on the difference in the consciousness of the age. For kids (even grown) are not adults in miniature. Treating them "as it were, on an equal footing," adults only cause them discomfort. The concept of the difference of generations is necessary for children to self-determination.
These principles apply regardless of how many years the child - only the content of the ban depends on the age. "Easier said than done!" - you might think ... and you'd be right. Several typical situations, the example of which we will try to identify the main landmarks.
Up to 2 years
The child begins to walk, and actively explore the world around us: first the rules and restrictions are intended to ensure its safety. Encourage open it, but points out the danger. And say a firm "no!" He will understand you, even if you can not answer. "The younger the child, the more the boundaries of what is permitted violation related to his natural curiosity, desire to learn, taste, feel, - explains psychologist Galina Burmenskaya age. - be a balance between the words "yes" and "no" will help to organize the space: If possible, move from the "action zone" that is dangerous for the child's life and (or) valuable to you. "
From 2 to 3 years
He did what disagrees This is the time when the child makes the first attempt to separate from adults, to find its identity, so do not be surprised if it responds to the refusal of all that you offer him. So he emphasizes his independence, self-reliance. Be flexible, beating his stubbornness, turned his attention to another occupation; stiffness and the use of force will only lead to defeat. When you forbid your child to run across the street, or to touch the socket, explains that this is not just your whim, but it is necessary for their safety.
He has other children, biting, breaking their toys Be strong forbidding child hurt others and yourself. "The prohibition of abuse must be unconditional, - says Galina Burmenskaya. - This is the basis, starting from which the children learn to respect others and the laws of society. " Sometimes parents use force to give the baby to feel, what results his actions. "When you bite back, you really feel that it hurts - continues Galina Burmenskaya - but this" mirroring "is possible only in exceptional cases. Physical punishment is painful, humiliating and causes the child of fear and aggression. " Talk with your child every time look for words that will help to explain to him that his behavior is dangerous, learn to act without resorting to violence.
He refuses to have sulking at his desk - a common method of influence on adults. The child is a pleasure to tickle the nerves of parents where they are particularly vulnerable. How do you react emotionally than trying harder to get him to eat or entertain, depicting "airplane", etc., the more it rests. Do not keep it a game: Lunch risk of becoming a heavy burden, rather than to become a moment of intimate fellowship. Remove stress: when it eat with relish yourself diversify dishes that you offer him, and let him eat as much as he wants.
We stand by our word
Any violation of established boundaries must be approved - only then will our words carry weight. If we limit ourselves to threats, we cease to believe. "The child and he feels a certain relief after he was punished - says Tatiana Bednik. - It allows him to atone for his misdeed and free from guilt. " Of course, it is necessary to punish wisely. Pointless to make him a hundred times to write "I will not lie." It is better to clean it that smeared, returns that took without permission, would make something useful. It is important to make it clear to your child the consequences of his actions: breaking the rules, it will be what is. If (in exceptional cases) the punishment was not followed, he needs to explain why it happened.
From 3 to 6 years of age
He wants to marry my mother Psychoanalysts call this period the age of the Oedipus complex, when a child is experiencing love for the parent of the opposite sex (and aggression, the desire to eliminate the parent of your gender). This is the moment for the formation of a clear prohibition on incest. "A child should clearly say that he will never be able to marry his mother (to marry daddy) - says psychologist Tatiana Bednik age. - The adoption of this fact - a pledge of normal development. Children should also be forbidden to sleep in the same bed with parents. " Prohibitions better complement the positive outlook: "When you grow big (th), you too to meet and fall in love with a beautiful woman (man)."
Every child needs a tenderness, affection, bodily contact with their parents. "This is a non-verbal (non-speech) communication helps children to be guided in life, gives a sense of support for moms and dads, - says Tatiana Bednik. - If the child shows excessive need for intimacy (what is called a "stick"), explain to him that tenderness can be expressed with the help of words, that it is not necessary to touch each other and hugging. Due to the way we help him to set the distance. " He masturbates in public Masturbation - is a natural (Research) needs of each child. Forbid it should not be under one condition: if he (sometimes) makes it, in my room, where no one sees. This is the perfect time to talk with your child about his body. "Tell him that we each have an intimate place and nobody has the right to look at them or to touch them, as his body belongs only to him" - suggests Tatiana Bednik. Also, do not allow your child to watch movies "adult": we should not think that he "does not understand anything."
He refuses to go to school Small student got on unfamiliar territory with their orders, and he needs time to adapt. In addition, it is a long time is left without their home, and also need to get used to it. Listen to it, try to understand his feelings, but do not succumb to the entreaties. Sometimes the mother is difficult to resist the child's insistence on this point in the situation may turn on certain third: father, uncle, or someone from the family friends. It was easier for him to explain to the child that it's time to grow up. But often it happens that psychologically at six or six and a half years, the child is not yet ready to start school life. Understand this will help the psychologist.
Block "good" and "bad"
"Good" bans give the child an idea of the boundaries, without which it can not live. "Bad" suppress his natural needs and desires, his personality. They run the risk of making the child obedient object subordinate to the authoritarian power of adults. A few examples from real life.
- SpatMy not require child to sleep if he did not want to ... But we can tell it to the set time he went to his room. If he does not want to sleep, then it may well play and go to sleep later, but it should not be out of the question, so he left his room.
- EstMy can not expect a child to eat it, unless it is hungry, or to force him to eat what he categorically do not like. Only he can judge their appetite and their tastes. But you can not cook it every day, "a la carte". If he does not like one dish, that he jumps to the next.
- OdevatsyaRebenok quite himself can choose the style and color of the clothes that you buy it. And an adult, for its part, has every right to determine the best possible price things, explaining that limit a child.
- RabotatV high school child can organize their time after school. He is already able to decide when to start the course with a job to start. But his parents have the right to demand that the lessons have been made to a certain hour.
to 10 years
He withdraws in the "Cheating is part of the code of honor of children's community - says Galina Zuckerman. - Give cancel means to share, to help someone. Remember, as a child you probably teach a child to share toys and sweets, help friends. At school, these good lessons are reinterpreted in favor of cheating. " Try to emphasize that this is just not good in relation to his classmates and that ultimately cheating serve him a disservice, because it deprives itself of knowledge. Your next task - to understand the difficulties faced child and why he had to write off again today. And of course, try to help him.
He does not want to clear the table, put things in order in the room Remember how you respond to the desire of a young daughter or son to help you wash the dishes. Maybe they sent to play, so you do not interfere? "Right now, becoming older, the children just continue the same style of behavior", - says Galina Zuckerman. At this age, a child can talk about what is the basis of life in society - the rights and obligations of each of the division of housework - and remind him that rights without duties do not exist. Therefore, if your child wants to, for example, go to the movies, he, for his part, has to do what he is obliged to do. * F. Dolto. "On the side of the child." U-Factoria 2004.
When a child becomes a tyrant
- Ph.D., at the Department of Child Psychiatry and Medical Psychology RMAPO.
All the kids are unruly or capricious. But where is the line beyond which the child turns into a tyrant? Our questions are answered child psychologist Elena Morozova.
Psychologies: What exactly means the term "child-tyrant '?
Elena Morozova: The vagaries of helping children to insist on his own, to achieve the desired, to express their concern and dissatisfaction. In a sense, it is a universal (child) mechanism of communication with adults. In times of crises of age (3 years, 11-12 years) disagreement with senior resistance it begins to dominate. It helps children grow up they learn to understand themselves, to defend their opinion. Tyrants, some are at a time when their demands are beginning to apply to all areas of family life. They are trying to force parents to rebuild life according to their desires. Discovering that a scandal or tears can achieve their own, the child uses them again and again and completely subjugates parents. Pressure on adults and is hidden, for example, a child may constantly complain that he has something hurts.
Who is this child-tyrant, whom you describe?
This may be a boy and a girl, is often the only or the eldest child in the family. He often tries to dominate a mother than a father, especially when he feels her anxiety, helplessness.
How to behave parents? Be less sensitive?
Why then, be sensitive and attentive just necessary. One must learn to distinguish between manifestations of distress and discontent. If disturbing the child if he was sick, adults, of course, need to help and support him. When he was just unhappy and blackmails them by their behavior, it is important to be consistent, patient and firm. Is it necessary to punish a tyrant?
This does not solve the problem. It is important to understand what causes it concern, asking him or myself. And do not hesitate to contact a specialist, if you feel confused.