Infernal circle of jealousy
The main ideas
- echo of children's pain. Jealousy - is the suffering experienced by a small child, when he realizes that the mother does not belong to him completely.
- The natural feeling. It can be an incentive to work on himself, to change and inner growth.
- Rhode disease. Permanent, unmotivated jealousy talking about pathology. Over time, it could get worse.
Many of us had the opportunity to experience the pain of jealousy. When we understand (or assume) that will forever lose the love of a man dear to us, we feel an unbearable sadness, loneliness and insecurity, feel passionate desire to take revenge on his opponent (or partner) or even kill it, and die himself. Then, when an attack takes place, we ask ourselves: What happened to me? But the answer for everyone. Because jealousy, as a matter of fact a universal emotion, in each case has its own unique individual picture. Let's try to understand how and when there is this feeling and why it manifests itself in different ways.
One of the most difficult emotional experiences, jealousy brings together a whole range of feelings, thoughts and passions. Fear and anger, perhaps the strongest of them, they determine not only the colors but also the strength of this experience, provoke unexpected, often unusual for a person in a different situation behavior. American psychologist, author of "The Psychology of emotions" Carroll Izard (Carroll Izard) explains it this way: when we feel that we are deprived of the love and attention of a loved one, we understand that we have been deceived, rejected, we lose a sense of safety, security and feel fear. Anger arises when trying to keep the position in relations with loved ones, to return his attention are infertile. We can say that we are jealous, when we realize that the loved one is more we do not belong. But why do some of us may gradually come to terms with this loss, while others are experiencing the pain again and again?
The men and women
Women are not more jealous than men, but they tend to be more emotional - feelings they express much more easily than men. In addition, unlike men, they wondered what their opponent (real or imagined). They want to know everything about her: her name, her age, the color of her eyes, the way she dresses, what interested. Men who have dominated the rational attitude to life, are less likely to show their feelings. "A friend of mine gave no sign that he is jealous, - says 27-year-old Jeanne. - And sincerely believe in it. Once I admitted to him in a meaningless affair, which happened long before our meeting with him. Listening to me, he looked completely indifferent and quickly turned the conversation to another topic. And then it all night throwing up. He had an attack of gastritis. " This is a typical reaction for men: they have long ignored any information, and then, when faced with the reality of betrayal, feeling defeated. While women are beginning to be jealous in advance, even if nothing happens. The reason for the jealousy they love their partner becomes a competitor in men - sexual infidelity *.
* H. Breslau. "Psychology of emotions." The meaning of 2004.
How it arises
According to analysts, jealousy begins in early childhood. It is so strong that it leaves a mark on life. And when, as adults, we are jealous of your partner, we only relive that old childhood pain. "Often jealousy is based on the child's frustration, who realizes that he is not the mother alone, that there is still a father, brother or sister, whom my mother also gives her love and care," - explains the analyst Mikhail Romashkevich. For some, this is the first experience of psychic injury - the child is faced with his powerlessness to change anything. Over time, this offense is no longer understood and remains in my heart like a brand, reminiscent of unquenched need for love. And if the parents do not give the child to feel that there is still love him (even if there is a brother or sister), then later relationships with all partners, will always seem insufficient to make up for it. Jealousy will become a part of life - because no one should be fully trusted. "In addition, during the oedipal phase, at the age of three to six years, the child begins to fight for the love of the opposite sex parent and to compete in this struggle with the parent of the same sex - continues Mikhail Romashkevich. - This competition is also accompanied by severe jealousy. If the child is able to survive the pain of the loss, accept the fact that in this struggle is doomed to failure (because my mother does not love her son as a grown man, and his father - daughter like an adult woman), he will be able to do the inner work and to identify with the parent of its floor, having learned all of his valuable qualities. " When such an outcome will be a positive sense of jealousy, the incentive to work on himself, to great achievements.
The desire treachery
Before marriage, 33-year-old Andrew led a frivolous life, adding to the list of conquered hearts. Since then he settled down. His wife keeps him faithful. She modestly dressed, her behavior is far from the caller. Despite this Andrei feels jealousy flour and accuses her that she flirts with other men. In this situation appears the so-called projected jealousy, which Sigmund Freud described in his paper "On the neurotic mechanisms with jealousy, paranoia and homosexuality": defending against their own desire to infidelity, man, "imputes infidelity to blame the partner" - thus he shifts the focus from your own unconscious on the unconscious of another person. In other words, Andrew suspects his wife that is its own deep desire. This allows him to be free, and from the desire, and caused by their guilt.
The natural feeling ...
"Jealousy - feeling normal. If it does not, it is because that was the subject of strong repression. And so, having gone into the unconscious, it plays an even more important role, "- Sigmund Freud argued. 39-year-old Michael said that he no longer is able to be jealous, because "enough narevnovalsya a child": There were five brothers in his family, and he felt abandoned and useless. "Jealousy? As an adult, I found a good antidote for it - indifference. As soon as a woman, which I like, begins to provoke in me this feeling, I immediately lose interest in it and begin to despise her. " Michael seems that he does not feel jealous, because he was jealous too. He suppresses his feelings, feeling unconsciously that they can destroy it. In this way he protects himself from the children's resurrection unbearable pain, the sense of abandonment and loneliness, of what he never learned to cope.
... which can develop into an obsession ...
"Surviving in a lifetime one or more conflicts related to jealousy - quite naturally - says the French social psychologist Catherine Anthony (Catherine Anthony). - But you should be wary if your fears about the infidelity of a loved one take the form of obsession: it is difficult to think of something else, in a fit of jealousy, you are able to inappropriate actions. In the most extreme cases, states can threaten the integrity of the human psyche and even lead to suicide or murder. " About these "attacks" jealousy tells 46-year-old Leonid: "I've been married twice. And the two wives have gone from me, because I have them pathologically jealous. For example, when the first wife in a muffled voice on the phone, I'm all turned into a rumor and I do like a scarlet veil fell over his eyes. If I heard: "Come on, now, a whole", - it just tore the cord out of the socket and smashed phone. To the second, I suddenly came in the middle of the day in the office - it worked with my buddy. If you saw them together, fit, gently said, "Come on, we have work to do." And looking at the response. She cried, blushing, crying. Well, sure, I thought, it is unclean. It's important - I never at her hands raised. But to threaten threatened, such as that children take away. " Pathological types of jealousy caused primarily by the desire to have a completely different person and his fear of losing. "This emotional dependence stems from the fact that there are jealous unconscious idea that he can not live without a loved one, - says Mikhail Romashkevich. - He does not feel the existing without her partner, like a baby does not feel the existing without a mother. Such a person has not mastered a set of skills for independent living, and he needs a mother figure who breathes life into it. "
What is the feeling like envy
Very often jealousy mixed with envy. In some languages, a single word (eg, jalousie in French) is used to refer to these feelings. Indeed, these experiences are very similar, because we feel anger, fear, self-deprecation. We compare ourselves to others and a perfect feel "not on the level." According to the American psychologist Peter Salovey (Peter Salovey), envy - a "social comparison jealousy" *. Envy requires two people. Jealousy always involves three of its orbit and is related to the possession of another person, whereas envy - a comparison with the other person (not in their favor).
* Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, vol. 47.
... or may obscure homosexual desires
There is a form of jealousy, when feelings are not directed to the partner and an opponent (opponent). For example, a woman may experience an unconscious attraction to her husband's mistress and suffer, because she loves him and not her. And insane jealousy only expresses her repressed homosexual desire. The story of 36-year-old Svetlana illustrates perfectly how behaves the feeling: "I lived with Boris three years, and the reason for our break has served his profession - he is a gynecologist. I could not bear the thought of what he sees female sex organs all day. One day I had to go to work for him, where I first saw his patients. From that moment on, making love, I imagined their breasts, their hips. It was unbearable. " "For the jealousy and hatred of the opponent often hidden love for him - said German analyst Peter Kutter (Peter Kutter). - But the contempt with which society treats such sympathy compels jealous convince himself to the contrary. " For example, in the fact that not he, but his partner loves opponent - so projecting homosexual fantasies and desires, he expels them from consciousness.
"A person experiencing these feelings - continues Peter Kutter, - considers any act of partner proof of her infidelity, despite the fact that he had no real reason to her to suspect anything."
37-year-old Ramil left his wife after five years of painful marriage. "My wife was jealous of me to her friends, to make a scene. She could at all to take my face and turn away to his side. I rang during meetings and required to report where I was, with whom, what busy, and, God forbid, in the tube hear a woman's voice. After birth, her condition became worse and I could not resist this hatred in her eyes and humiliating words addressed to me. It seems to me, her jealousy was caused by some kind of pathological self-doubt, and therefore the desire total control. "
Fear of loss of love and jealousy are very experienced people with low self-esteem. Treason (real or imaginary) is perceived as a proof of their worthlessness - because they believe in their hearts that it is not worthy of a good attitude. The slightest suspicion that the loved one has changed or ceased to love them, degrades their dignity. "In this case, the jealousy caused by narcissistic insult that can significantly reduce self-esteem - says Peter Kutter. - Hatred and revenge are only auxiliary means to help sustain the humiliation and regain lost self-esteem. opponent's victory opens a person's eyes to two circumstances: first, his love is not so priceless, and secondly, the object of love is lost. Jealousy, like a merciless mirror, shows the man that he is in fact. " Jealousy can not be cured, as can not be cured by love. Jealousy can not be denied, but we can not allow it to destroy itself. "On the contrary, the loss of love often pushes a person to change, to internal growth, - says Mikhail Romashkevich. - and help to understand that in life there are a lot of good other than an unpleasant, painful. The loss of our love and jealousy - it is an integral part of life. And the ability to experience them - one of the indicators of spiritual maturity. "
- Carroll Izard. "Psychology of emotions." Peter, 2003.
- Peter Kutter. "Love, hatred, envy, jealousy." B. SK, 1998.
Have a question?
- The Institute of Practical Psychology and Psychoanalysis, t. (495) 682 1114, www.psychol.ru
- Psychological Counseling Center "Trialogue", ph. (495) 505 2333, www.trialog.ru
- The Institute of group and family psychology and psychotherapy, t. (495) 624 2060, www.igisp.ru