The family, the cradle of our personality
Hashe communication with the outside world begins very early. Long before the birth of his baby's senses are able to perceive information from the outside. "The vestibular apparatus, which responds to changes in the position of the head and body in space, begins to work in the embryo at 6 weeks, skin sensitivity appears in the 10, the organs of hearing - 14 weeks. That is the fourth month after conception the fetus feels that his mother feels, hears his father's voice and distinguishes their mood "- explains the perinatal psychologist Galina Filippova. Man is born, and at first touch, feeding, he smiles, like a sponge, continues to absorb the emotions and feelings of people loved him - whether it's their sincere joy at the sight of a baby or a disguised irritation.
"Simultaneously with the birth begins to form our" I ", - says the analyst Tatiana Alavidze - and this process is endless development. Mother, guessing the desire of the child, take him in his arms, talking to him - because communication begins. And we have people doing just chat with the other person; Our "I" begins to develop to the point where we come into contact with our parents. " A small child completely dependent on adults, it can not survive without a sense of security that gives him close people. That is why he feels instinctive vital need to belong to a family in which he was born: to feel secure, he is ready to share its fate - if necessary, even to the detriment of themselves.
To live among their
- The child needs to feel part of their family. This feeling gives him a sense of security, for which he is ready to share with your family everything - joy and sorrows.
- The identification with parents. Devoted love the child responds to any of the words and actions of parents, adapting to the image, which dictates his family.
- Grow up - is to learn to separate the good from the bad. To release the "I", it is necessary to understand and reject the bad and alien that there is a family history, keeping in itself a good close.
Each of us has their own ideas about what a "happy baby." "The best that can be done to a child adult - is to help him in the formation of a harmonious" I ", - says Tatiana Alavidze. - The concept of social and moral guidelines that he receives in the family will live in a society; emotional stimuli - tenderness and affection, to the delight of the taste, the game - will have an impact on the development of its sensitivity. A recognition of the fact that he is a person and he has his own views, will help to understand who he is, what he wants really, and was capable of. "
Create understanding and a harmonious relationship is not so simple. If the parents grew up in a friendly atmosphere, they are likely to take their children for who they are and they will be all my life to feel "safe rear." But if a child a person suffering from a lack of attention his father and mother, then in a relationship with his children, he is likely to play a hard style of relations, which once experienced firsthand.
seek to obtain LOVE CHILD READY FOR MUCH: CATCHING MOOD native, arranged under him ...
A child is born, and the family first of all seek to "recognize him as her": you look, he's the spitting image of his father (grandfather, great-grandfather)! But if there is something in the exterior of the baby reminded the members of a relative of the family, which they say is not accepted, then they are likely to keep silent "Some of us have a rather vague idea about his family history - says family therapist Alexander Chernikov. - And about such things as violence, dishonor, incest or betrayal, we can not even guess, because seniors usually try to hide "inconvenient" truth. " "When family members are happy with what they are - the family, the child is feeling - continues Tatiana Alavidze. - Of course, he wants to be loved the people among whom he lives, and is ready to do more: to capture the mood of family and adjust to it, to feel safe. Unconditional love that the children have for their parents, based on the children's logic: to belong to the family - it means to be similar to those from whom it is. " Out of love, we commit ourselves not to their worries and hardships. 43-year-old Maxim works for a large airline. Before that, he did not linger long on any job, constantly at odds with his superiors. psychotherapy helped Maxim to understand the scenario in which he acted over and over again. He grew up with his grandparents, and his grandfather, who served in the past, a major leading position, constantly making him their comments. As an adult, each chief of Maxim heard "the voice of my grandfather," and in return sent him his aggression.
Tips for parents
There are some important things that should be remembered, if we want to help your child build their own "I".
- Set boundaries. If the child is a child does not have a clear idea about "what is good and what is bad," that his life will be like a clogged an intersection without traffic signs and "stop." The child will be easier to navigate in a variety of situations, if it is the concept of the framework.
- Tell the truth about the family history. A child may experience anxiety, reprises and constructing additions what parents do not dare tell him. As a result, he can withdraw and go into a fantasy world.
- Do not use the baby to fill an emotional void. Child childhood trying to usurp the love of the opposite sex parent. It is necessary to explain to him that his mother also belongs to the Pope (and father, respectively - mother), and his brother, and his grandmother. If this rule is not to be understood by, the child will be difficult to find their place in the family.
- Do not submit to him their concern. It is not necessary to share with the children the details of all of our experiences. It helps them accessible and objective information about what is happening, and not our adult fears.
Baggage family messages
The image itself appears in the child gradually and based on their own experience of successes and failures, on the opinions of their peers. But it also depends on whether and how it is seen by the parents: their comments, notes and even random phrases form the representation of the child itself. And often he has to live with the self-image, which is formed his Mom and Dad. "Parental perception - not necessarily wrong, but it is usually incomplete, - says Marina transactional analyst Peter. - Many have heard from relatives: "If you were the same as your brother!"; "What do you mean, you do not have the same abilities in math ..." or "Because you never amount to anything!" These categorical phrases with regular repetition transformed into prophecy. The child - because of its weakness and the desire to please their parents - often unconsciously obeys the parental setting and focuses its energies on the implementation of the life of the project, which is not his own. "
"When the dream of" perfect child "does not give parents a rest, they plague the son or daughter of constant comparisons with other children (" Here Sergei has already read, and he's a year younger than you! "), - says Alexander Chernikov. - And to the real achievements of the child are dismissive, and he loses faith in himself. " Since parents are the indirect cause of the fact that the child is no longer alone to think and feel, and it increasingly difficult to achieve success.
Childhood - is the time of submission of their parents; adolescence - a period of self-affirmation. Torn between parental demands and a desire to defend their "I", the teenager is looking for new possibilities of expression - trying on new roles in the company of friends or imitating favorite singers, athletes, TV stars. "In order to meet his real" I "- explains Marina Petrovskaya, - you need to deal with the conceptions of the world, that we have planted in the family. I think they are fair? Do they help me? I perceive them as their own, or they are suppressed in me something else, really mine? "In other parent load requirements will affect us for life, making it difficult feelings, actions, desires ...
We are glad about its similarity with my parents when stopped building life depending on their opinions and desires.
The path to an adult "I"
44-year-old Elena has always believed that the mother loves her less than his older brother. "And then I decided to become visible - a career, earn a lot of money. But my personal life did not work. Perhaps the fact that I was building my life, thinking that my mother does not love me, but in fact she loves me - as he can. I am currently working with a therapist, learning to ignore the fact, how I perceive others, including his own mother. "
"Each of us goes through the stages of the idealization of the parents and disappointment in them, - says Tatiana Alavidze. - In the end, we are left with the feeling that parents, alas, is not perfect, but in essence, they are good guys. Then we can rejoice in the fact that like the parents - both externally and partly internally, especially when it ceases to build their lives according to their wishes and opinions. Recognizing in themselves and the similarity with his parents, and difference from them, we find ourselves again. "
It is important to learn to separate the outside (even a parent) look at what we have, from the self-knowledge "from the inside" - and so leave us with unnecessary hereditary traits, keep positive. Finding and taking his adult "I", we realize that there is still love my family, but we are ready to go their own way. We will be gradually released from the requirements, expectations and repeated from generation to generation life scenarios. It is important to believe that we strive to "live their lives, not the lives of parents, grandmothers, grandfathers, or late brother, whom we, without knowing it," replace ", writes in his book" Ancestors Syndrome "French therapist Anne Ancelin Schutzenberger. The complex links between generations can see, feel or partially anticipate. But more often we are not talking about them, and they remain unconscious, unspoken and secret part of our lives. Nevertheless, we are able to identify these links and formulate their own desire to make our life conform to what we want from it, our true desire, not to what they want, and the other for us for us.
How to help your son or daughter to find something that would interest him? Often parents do not give the child to express themselves, handing it to a music school, where he wants to build model ships. The reason for this may be the unfulfilled childhood dream of one of the parents, the prestige of the occupation or the success of an older child, who, according to parents, the youngest must be repeated. "We need to give the child an opportunity not to embody the dream of the parents, not to compete with the senior in his field, and find something of their own, where he will be himself, not someone else's repetition - says psychologist Elena Silin. - If the proposed section of your studio or he does not like, keep it in the other, to ask about what he wanted to do. Children must be given the opportunity to try as many different options as possible to find yourself and determine what they are really interested in. "