I like to gossip
Spreading rumors, gossip believes that his opinion is justified, and he is driven by good intentions - in the first place inform the other party of what to expect from this or that person. However, in reality, his motives are more ambiguous.
"The rumor is passed" their ", which means a" foreign. " Strangers to gossip - those who have higher social status, richer. Spreading gossip about them, he attached to their authority ", - says Alexei Sitnikov, Doctor of Psychology, Professor of the HSE. Cpletnya - a way to show the uniqueness of their relationship with the person: sharing information with him, we emphasize that render it a special trust.
Foolish talk about others, gossip Private praises himself. "And he does compliment her confidant:" I say this to you because you're not like them, "- continues to Alexei Sitnikov.
However, even if the gossiper is possible to win the trust of the interlocutor, it is fragile: dividing the world into "good" and "bad", the fan pozloslovit makes his counterparts worry, do not go there in the camp of "bad" himself.
The lack of self-esteem
Why not tie social bonds, telling their interests and achievements, and not the faults of others? "Cackler eager to stand out, but deep down he's afraid that as a person of no interest", - says Alexei Sitnikov. He's talking about neighbors and colleagues, because it is sure that he can talk about his life, boring.
To express anger
"People speak ill of others, often not satisfied with their lives, or some of its side, - said Alexei Sitnikov. - This dissatisfaction creates anger in them, recognize that is to admit their weaknesses. Therefore the wrath of this carries over to other people - especially those who have managed to succeed where most gossiper failed to assert itself. "
to justify their weakness
Often a man says to the other: "She greedy", "he is self-centered," pointing to character traits of other people with whom it is difficult to reconcile in himself. This is a manifestation of a psychological defense mechanisms - projection: we ascribe to others a part of himself that unconsciously can not accept in yourself.
"I was myself the subject of gossip"
Natalia, 43, a translator "In the mid-80s my husband for several years was sent on a business trip to Iran. There acting tough security policies, and cultural barriers are not allowed to have acquaintance with the locals. Therefore, the social circle for me was limited to the wives of my husband's colleagues. It was a closed world whose inhabitants little that communicate with each other. That is why the foundation of all our conversations were gossiping about each other. I accept these rules and even got to enjoy it as long as she does not become the object of gossip. It's terrible I hurt, and then I realized how harmful and empty was our chatter. Realizing this, I was actively engaged in self-education and returned home, received a second degree - so I was not only able to occupy yourself interesting affair, but felt that I can be proud of. "
What to do?
- Recognize your emotions based on gossip is often strong emotion or unrealized deep need. Try to figure out what is in you the desire to gossip? What do you feel at this moment? Maybe this way you will realize that the problem - not the object of your gossip, and in yourself.
- Do not say no podumavVsegda useful to ask yourself whether or not to disclose this information really necessary? Yes, it will allow for a moment to draw attention of the interlocutor, but what next? Your words will sooner or later reach the person you are talking about, and it's not the best impact on your reputation.
- Find a zanyatieChasto other people gossip, simply because they are bored, and the lives of others - an easy topic of conversation. Try to find others with other common interests that will lay the other, a positive foundation for communication.
Rotating in an environment where gossip accepted, you risk to become addicted to them yourself. To avoid this, use the technique of "active listening": try to understand what emotions drive the interlocutor, and rephrase his statement, clarifying the meaning of words. For example: "You speak so emotionally because angry with him," or, "This man has achieved much" ... "Gossip does not exist by itself - it needs a companion, - says Alexei Sitnikov. - So the best way to avoid gossip - ignore them. If you yourself have become the object of gossip, do not make excuses: remain "above the fray", you disarm the gossip. "