Who and what will have to pay
Love and Money has never been considered a good match. We want to believe that our best, clean feeling any calculations are not subject. In today's world, where income is considered to be an unconditional value, where we continually engage in new forms of consumption, family life, we want to be perceived as a reliable, safe haven, shelter from the hard materialism. This is our intimate world in which there is no place of greed and nothing is sold and not bought ... And yet it is an illusion. "Today and in family relations money plays an increasingly important role - says family therapist Ina Khamitov. - Although happy couples monetary conflicts are extremely rare. Partners who manage to settle the disputed issues of living together in the mode of negotiation, there is no need to throw out the accumulated irritation arguing about which one of them, for example, earns more and why. "
Discord over money are enhanced at a time when two people are in crisis in a relationship. "In fact, - says psychoanalyst and family therapist Bernard Prieur (Bernard Prieur), - partners quarrel over other things: sexual dissatisfaction, lack of care, it is impossible to engage in a career ... But to formulate such experiences more difficult it is easier to replace the" obvious "financial problems. "
- Anna Fenko "People and Money" Class, 2005.
- March Barletta "How to buy a woman's" Top, 2007.
Money are able to show how deep the relationship between partners, sometimes helping them to consolidate or even become a measure of confidence that we feel for another person (trusting him, for example, housekeeping). But what lies behind the organization of our life? "Common pot", separate expenses or something between these two extremes - in the opinion of analysts, the form of conducting budget says about us very much in our couple.
- 66% Russian couples keep the "common pot".
- 6% pairs consist of partners having separate budgets.
- 28% partially combine both models.
The survey was conducted Public Opinion Foundation (www.fom.ru) in May 2007.
PHOTO Boris Zakharov
Total money: the desire to control everything
"All mine - yours, all yours - mine". "Common pot" obeys the logic of linking a pair. This type of relationship is based on the most traditional social patterns in the past corresponds to the classical organization of the family, in which one of the spouses (female) did not work. "Today, this condition is not necessary - says Inna Khamitov. - This organization budget can talk about a deep intimacy between partners: in addition to two separate "I" in the pair of them there are more - "we", and expressed it in including the community of wealth. "
But even with such a positive view of the relationship still requires that each of the partners is not soluble in common life, he finds in it its rightful place. The picture is not so rare: husband brings his wife a salary ... and then demands on family spending report. If one of the partners becomes difficult to independently evaluate their actions and financial decisions, the overall budget can give another opportunity to abuse their power. Bernard Prieur explains: "When we started living together, in us unwittingly begins to manifest the desire for control. It is not necessarily negative: interested in the fact that he bought our partner, we thus show interest. But this type of relationship can lead to espionage and to a desire to keep everything in sight. " When all, without exception, buying another to be assessed and criticized in the relationship starts to unwind mechanism that prevents more to perceive your partner for what it is. This type of relationship creates both: controlled, as well as controlling, eager to one - to get closer to the other member of the pair. "Victim" only wants to strengthen the relationship, even making some negative things. "So, a woman indulges in unnecessary spending, thus can express their desire that her husband has changed, for example by stopping a trifle" - explains Bernard Prieur. "Controller" wants to be as close as possible to the next, never to part with it. Both of these lines of behavior in the end lead to a result opposite to the expected. "This is the surest way to lose your partner," - warns Bernard Prieur.
Zhanna, 42 years old, "I give the money in hand can not be, I'm a glutton, and a spender"
"My husband - the family treasurer, I give him the salary, because it has historically. He believes the best of me and knows how to save. I, in fact, by nature a glutton, and a spender, I give the money in hand can not be spent all in one day. He is my quality knows and gives a certain amount every day - for lunch, cigarettes and gasoline. Something remains for unforeseen expenses. Large purchases are usually we discuss together. If I need to update your wardrobe, then we go to the store together. "
Julia, 27 years, "The total budget for me - a sign of great confidence"
"I used to have, and my husband had a budget: spending every paycheck as he saw fit. But more often it turns out that it was I was spending my money to buy food, pay utility bills and kindergarten son. Because of this, I took offense at him. I could, of course, ask him for the money, because he makes the procedure more than me. But I had a hard time, and he, apparently, had not occurred, I need the money. We even at a time separated for that reason. Now we're back together, and now we have a total budget: his money - my, and my - it. For me, the total budget - a sign of great confidence. "
PHOTO Boris Zakharov
Separate waste: the struggle for power
There are couples in which each has its own bank account, the partners share the "spheres of influence", carefully fixing all income and expenses and make money in the family budget in proportion to their earnings. Perhaps this desire for equality and should serve as a model for a truly contemporary relations? "This fiscal regime is most often chosen by young couples in which both partners work, - said Bernard Prieur. - I often see them in his office: they come to the reception, desperate to accurately paint on their slips of who, what and when to buy. Their life becomes eternal accounting, all fixed, as they constantly vie "at heart. For this calculation are personal care (family) history of each partner: the rivalry between brothers and sisters, difficulty in relationships with parents. Or behind a pile of numbers are hidden problems with the definition of their place in the life partners are trying to solve the existential problems with the help of mathematical calculations and under the guise of section duties actually involved in a power struggle. Should I abandon the joint jurisdiction of the budget and take your bank card as something very personal? No, this is another sure way to weaken the relationship. "Such a scheme may establish those who are looking for distance with a partner, these people frighten close relationship," - says Inna Khamitov. "In pairs, where each financier himself, clearly manifested mutual neglect," - adds analyst Jean-Jacques Moskowitz (Jean-Jacques Moscovitz). Our demeanor account - a reflection of the inner confidence that we feel for our partner and to its own decision about the beginning of life together with him. Nothing to read or do not want to calculate the budget together - all manifestations of desire to remain "at his" refuse to share with others in the broad sense of the word. Consider means to consciously accept the fact that you give something, and then take the other person. A rejection of the calculations associated with the risk load yourself some internal debt of the partner. Each of us in common life we must learn how to give and take.
Waste for men and women
53% of women (and only 5% of men) do not bother, if the pair is much longer earns wife. Although 34% of women admit that in this situation they feel uncomfortable. Payment of utility bills, as a rule, controlled by women (41%). Everyday purchases (products, and so on. P.) Does the one who at the moment it is more convenient (48% of couples). A decision on major spending jointly take 67% of couples, and if not, men do (24%).
According to the survey, conducted on www.psychologies.ru site in January 2009.
together and separately: a true partnership?
In theory, a synthesis of the two previous models may be the ideal solution. The total box office materializes the idea of union embodied the connection between partners, and its own bank card gives everyone a chance to breathe freely. This mixed scheme closer and to equal partnership in the family. However, it may be awkward if one partner earns less than the other: it is less likely to be able to allow yourself some nice things and will feel less independent. And this situation can awaken in him the memory of past hardships and grievances. "In fact, many of us live with the feeling that once have been a victim of injustice, - explains Bernard Prieur. - This feeling is natural for any human being, and goes back to childhood: we think (albeit sometimes from scratch) that we have of something suffered - for example, from a lack of care or food. " Finally, the therapist reminds, this alternative requires inner maturity: "We must be able to accept this reality: when we begin to live together with others, our private area of freedom decreases. Besides, never develop the relationship in a pair of "straight". That money helps us to conclude with each other symbolic contract - that with all we will deal together in joy and in sorrow. "