Parents are lovers
The main ideas
- The fear of being caught child becomes stronger hindrance to sexual relations.
- The intimate space of couples in need of protection: children should not interfere in the marital bedroom.
- Early established restrictions to teach a child and then a teenager living on the principle of mutual respect.
That kid has been waiting for ... and now, barely born, he imposes his own parents unpredictable rhythm of life. From this moment begins a new story, and at the same moment the balance is disturbed. Couple becomes family, and parents (some) - detopoklonnikami. Comes the kingdom of the baby, which sometimes takes extreme forms - for example, when a royal child settles in the marital bed, and thus already regulates sex parents. Role reversal occurs: the child captures all the living space, and the pair did not manage to keep their own, intimate.
Children: a ban
The child grows and already he can move. Sometimes he gets up to the parent bed ... "Once, late at night, making love, we suddenly discovered with horror that our five year old son standing beside the bed and looks at us. I do not know how long he had been watching us, but I was shocked by this situation ... "- says Xenia, still shocked by the fact that her son has seen intimate scenes. Sigmund Freud, describing the case of "The Wolf Man", a detailed understanding of such a traumatic effect "pervostseny" on the psyche of the child and a half years, which was later developed fear and sexual neurosis *. And parents today, taking care to protect the child from such injuries, often forbid themselves any manifestation of their own sexuality. "When the whole family is at home, I can not relax, always on the alert," - says Stanislav, father children 12, 10 and 6 years old. There is a paradox: if the parents become "children" of their children. "When the two of you can not safely make love due to the fact that behind the wall of sleep their expensive chips, which means that adults put themselves in a position junior in relation to their own offspring, that is, turned over the situation upside down, - says family therapist Anna Varga. - They behave as if they were their parents in the next room - so are neurotic relationship. "
How can distinguish between the family area? "The door to the parents' room - the door to an adult sex life, so for the child it should be closed - says psychotherapist Irina Zemtsova. - At the age when he begins to walk and talk, he should know that in a closed room of his parents he could not enter without knocking, however, and parents should not go into the nursery without warning. " If you are not accustomed to this, the child can establish itself in the role of head of the family and start all command. "Do not defend its borders, adults give full power to the child" - warns Irina Zemtsova. And having achieved power, no it will not voluntarily give up - this rule applies to children.
Everyone to have personal space will inevitably have to defend it. Parental couple must be firm. "You must be able to tell your child" no "to refuse to satisfy all his desires, - says Irina Zemtsova. - For men and women to protect their territory, which can be easily and freely their sexual desire. "
The parents have nothing to be ashamed of!
Adults who maintain sexual relations, can be proud of this side of his life, - says family therapist Anna Varga. - Continuing to have sex, they enjoy it, and that's fine. Any corporeal marriage, the more sex - is the most important thing for spousal understanding, and human comfort. It can be attributed to the adolescent: yes, our lives have such a relationship, we want you to find something beautiful that there is between us. But we must emphasize that this aspect of the life of the parents to be open to it. Then he was growing up, it will be easier to create your own intimate space. "
Teens: to respect
Children become teenagers, and the situation is complicated. To risk shock them or tease the curiosity added danger of being targeted for their sarcastic remarks, as did the 43-year-old Inna. "The ancestors, you have that, even sex is?" - ironically remarked at breakfast her 16-year-old son.
This painful situation is familiar to many: the young couple or the whole company is to you in the evening, without warning, captures the living room and the kitchen, laughing loudly and diverges into the night, or worse, fits right in your home. Of any of the erotic pleasures is impossible even to conceive. Sometimes it comes to what parents easier and more convenient to enjoy intimacy home. They are forced to flee, to make love in a relaxed atmosphere, thereby yielding its territory teenagers who are not embarrassed by their caresses. The case ends with adults almost do not ask permission to have sex in their teenage children. How to behave parents to their sex life is not annoying teenager and did not provoke his aggression? Mutual respect will be shown in the event that the adults will follow a few rules. "It is not necessary that the child came to the noise and your voices, to protect him from such experiences, because it is already feeling anxious at the idea that parents are making love - explains Anna Varga. - If your teenager begins to ask questions or comment on your intimate relationship, it is worth emphasizing that this is only the case of spouses, so his remarks - an intervention in the lives of others. " And what if the bans and explanations do not work? The easiest and most effective way - to punch the lock on the door of the master bedroom. Once faced with a locked door, the children will understand that mothers and fathers do have other, separate from their life that must be respected. This discovery in the future will allow them to develop their own sexuality.
What happens if you are caught off guard?
The child, who saw their parents accidentally during sex, need to talk to him, the therapist explains Daria Krymov.
"Do not scold each other and do not yell at the child - he accidentally fell into the adult world and experiencing conflicting emotions: surprise, concern, fear, guilt, resentment and misunderstanding. Rather, he misinterpreted what he saw, so to speak standing right there. Plant a small child on his knees, so it will be restored to bodily contact. He does not ask questions, start it: specify why he went to you, it will help to start the conversation. "We did not see you come in, because they were busy with an adult case. You scared? It's okay, nothing terrible has happened. I just love your dad, and he loves me. We like to be together. It happens all the parents and all adults, children just are not supposed to see it. Mom and Dad talking, kissing and making love - this is normal, and by the way, because of this there are children. We were lucky with my dad, and we've got you. " It is important to talk with your child, both, or else he would suspect that my father (mother) is angry at him. Talking about sex with a teenager who has already theoretically know that such relationship exists, it is not needed. Should apologize only when the incident happened is your fault. " * Freud 'Psychoanalysis of children's fears. " The ABC-Classics, 2008.
Henry Cloud, John Townsend, "Children. Border, border ... "Triada 2006.
"The modern child. understanding Encyclopedia "OGI, Pragmatics of Culture 2006.